By now you have likely heard the words ‘Let Them’ being touted as the new way to live a more stress-free life. Writer Sarah Lang tried it for one month. Who knew that four little words could change so much?
I’m not much of a self-help-book person, but I kept hearing about The Let Them Theory by American author Mel Robbins, and a friend recommended it. So I decided to find out more. Is it as passive as it sounds, or is it empowering?
Or is it overhyped? The subtitle is “a life-changing tool that millions of people can’t stop talking about”, and TBH I’m always somewhat sceptical about such claims. At the same time, I felt totally open to trying the approach. I decided to test the theory over a month to see if, and how much, it helped me.
First, some background about Mel. At 41, she found herself $800,000 in debt, unemployed, watching her husband’s business crumble. She felt lost. Sometimes unable even to get up, but “I began counting backward 5-4-3-2-1 anytime there was something I needed to do but I didn’t feel motivated to do it”. What followed was a viral TEDx Talk about the ‘5 Second Rule’, keynote-speaker invitations, therapists recommending it, and her book The 5 Second Rule.
Next came another bestseller, The High 5 Habit; the shortest synopsis is high-five yourself in the mirror to help overcome negative self-talk. Mel also started The Mel Robbins Podcast, one of the world’s most popular podcasts.
Most recently, Mel has co-written (with daughter Sawyer Robbins) The Let Them Theory. It’s sold five million copies and counting.
What is it exactly?
There’s a lot to the theory, but if you had to summarise it? This is how Mel puts it. “Stop wasting your time, energy and happiness trying to control things you can’t control – like other people’s opinions, moods or actions – and instead focus on the one thing you can control: you.”
“Instead of driving yourself crazy trying to manage or please other people, you will learn to Let Them. So what does this look like? Imagine you’re at work and your colleague is in a bad mood. Instead of letting them negatively affect you, just say Let Them be grumpy. Or maybe your dad makes another comment about your life choices… instead of letting it ruin your day, just say Let Him.”
The approach worked for Mel within a week. When Mel was trying to micromanage her son’s post-prom dinner – would the taco bar have enough space, would their shoes get soaked – her daughter Kendall said ‘let them’, and something clicked for Mel. “Two simple words: Let Them, changed everything. The things that used to bother me just… didn’t. The people who used to annoy me… just didn’t. The tight grip that I had on life started to loosen up.”
A book was the obvious next step. Mel spoke to experts in psychology, neuroscience, behavioural science, relationships, stress, and happiness. Chapters span your relationships with others, and with yourself; career, emotions, opinions, stress, love life, family, grown-ups throwing tantrums, struggles, chronic comparison, friendship, how to love difficult people, parenting, and the workplace.
Active or passive?
I initially thought ‘Let Them’ sounded passive, but it’s the opposite. It empowers you, by helping you free yourself of the weight of trying to manage others’ perceptions of you.
What if you stopped wasting that energy? Let Them think what they want! Let Them do what they want! Let Them judge you if they want! As Mel writes, “you’ll quickly see how you’ve tied your happiness to other people’s behavior, opinions and feelings”.
As she adds, people can be afraid of what others will think if they see the ‘real you’. But, hey, even friends, family members, or close colleagues will have a negative thought about you at some point! Trying to control people’s opinions of you a) doesn’t always work and b) can be a breeding-ground for self-doubt, over-thinking, saying yes unwillingly, negative self-talk, overwork, and perfectionism. So just be yourself.
The Let Them approach likely won’t come naturally at first. After all, we’re an interdependent social species hardwired to want to be liked. And, as Mel writes, we fear lack of control and exclusion.
Growing up, I got too much practice in tuning into, analysing and adapting to my father’s unpredictable moods. Unsurprisingly I carried this habit into adulthood. But by testing the Let Them theory, could I forge new neural pathways through practice?
How my month went
I chose the right month to test it. Because my husband, while walking through town, spotted my (I thought) close friend of 30 years, who lives overseas. She was 10 minutes’ walk from my house, and she never got in touch. Gut punch. My first impulse was to send her an upset, angry WhatsApp message. But you know what? I thought ‘let her’. Let her not like me anymore (or think I’m too boring now, as she once said). Friendships change, some end. In fact, one of this book’s chapters is “Why some friendships naturally fade”. And you know what? I’m enough as I am, and you can take me or leave me.
Here’s another example. I’ve gained a lot of weight recently, and realised I was putting off going to book group because I was embarrassed. But you know what? I thought Let Them. Let Them notice it or even judge it. So… I went back. My self-consciousness left me after five minutes. I also rejoined the gym – starting with short sessions of easy aerobic exercise – even though I knew people there had seen me at a much smaller size. But so what? Let Them notice. Why would they even care? It’s not like I’d judge anyone in the same position.
Let Me
The Let Them Theory goes hand in hand with the Let Me Theory. Basically, it’s ‘let me’ feel the way I do about something – but also ‘let me’ decide how to respond. This totally is not about trying to suppress your emotions – you simply feel how you feel.
But, as I learned, I can notice an emotion (for instance, anger), let it come and go without fighting it, take a beat, take some deep breaths, and maybe (as Mel recommends) even say ‘let them’ or ‘let me’ under my breath. Then I can decide what my response to that emotion will be.What’s the best course of action? (For me, not sending that inflammatory WhatsApp message.) As Mel writes, “by choosing how we respond – by not feeding anger, hatred or negativity – we exercise the ultimate power over ourselves”.
Because this approach isn’t about being unduly passive. It’s not about avoiding necessary or difficult conversations. For instance, a neighbour across the road does very noisy wood carving on the footpath until 11pm-ish. Normally I’d just grumpily wear earplugs to bed. But what else could I do with my emotion of annoyance? I decided to ‘let me’ ask him in a friendly way if he could please stop carving earlier. He was nice about it – and started carving inside his garage (door closed) from 9pm on.
Also I was recently trapped in an aeroplane seat between two manspreaders. I’d normally grumble internally and complain about it later to my family. But I decided to use the Let Me approach instead. I felt irritated, so what would I do with that emotion? I asked them politely if they could please move their knees out of my space. They looked pretty shocked but they did it.
Here’s another example from this past month. Someone in my life has very different political views to mine. I usually try not to talk politics because I know our views will irritate each other. But when he started praising the current government, I felt annoyed, so how would I handle that emotion? To ‘let me’ outline my views about the government, particularly about it gutting pay equity, without feeling I have to construct the perfect argument (as Mel points out, you can’t change people). Let Him be annoyed or defensive! He was, but so what? As Mel writes, you can’t manage your own emotions and the other person’s, because, frankly, that’s exhausting.
And over the month, I’ve found I’ve been handling small stressors or irritants better: for instance, flight delays, an interviewee forgetting about the interview, a family member being consistently late, long queues – you get the idea. If I’ve lost my sunglasses again, or forgotten a phone charger again, I ‘let me’ feel annoyed with myself without veering into negative self-talk.
Let Me can be proactive, too. Bemoaning how all my school, uni and former-colleague friends live in different cities or countries, I thought what could I do with that frustration? Let Me text my ‘mid-level’ friends for a coffee catch-up! I’ve had one and organised another.
Some people have got Let Them tattoos. I don’t need that as a reminder, but I will remind myself to apply this concept to my day-to-day life, because, for me, it’s proving powerful.
