Friday, March 29, 2024

What a Shame: STOP Telling Mothers What They’re Doing ‘Wrong’ in Public

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In the weekend, Gemma McCaw posted on Instagram that a woman had criticised her for taking her kids for a walk in the rain. Unfortunately, this kind of mother shaming is far too common – and Sarah Lang says: STFU.

When my son was nearly two, and sitting up gleefully in the baby/toddler compartment of a supermarket trolley, a woman in the aisle tapped me on the arm and told me that he shouldn’t still be using a dummy because it would wreck his teeth. Shocked, I managed to say something along the lines of ‘please butt out’ (okay, maybe I used an actual swear word).

When my son was three, and happily playing in the library, a woman saw me checking work emails on my phone. She said to me ‘what’s the point of even having a child if you’re going to be on your phone all the time?’ This time I definitely used a swear word. I was juggling part-time paid work with motherhood, and a deadline was approaching, so I simply had to reply to a few emails.

But see what’s happening here: I still sort of feel like I need to defend myself even as I’m writing this.

Most appallingly, a woman on a park bench once said to me “Why aren’t you breastfeeding? Formula is bad for babies.” Usually, I’d have a butt-out response ready, but on this particular day I was sleep-deprived after trying (unsuccessfully) to pump breast milk, and I started crying.

Please just don’t

Have any mothers never had their parenting decisions questioned or criticised in public? Because I have heard a myriad of tales. One mother was told that her baby would catch cold because she wasn’t wearing a hat. One mother was told that her child shouldn’t be eating a biscuit because sugar would wreck her teeth. One mother was told that if she didn’t watch her toddler more closely, he’d run away and she might never see him again; the mother said ‘I’m doing my best’ and burst into tears. Another mother had an older woman grab her baby’s head and say “YOU HAVE TO HOLD HIS HEAD!” even though his head was supported in the nook of his mum’s elbow.

Image: Gemma McCaw/ Instagram

And former Black Stick Gemma McCaw was criticised for taking her three kids to the park while raining, despite the fact that all her daughters were warm, happy and OUT OF THE HOUSE. No one is immune from criticism, it seems.

But also, no one is (I hope) going to give you unsolicited advice on, say, your finances or sex life, so why do people feel it’s okay to tell you what you’re doing wrong as a mother?

People don’t always realise the weight of their words. Maybe they’re just genuinely trying to help. But it’s not helpful. In fact, it can spoil your day, or your week, or maybe it stays with you longer. So people should think before they speak.

Because, often as mums we can be hard on ourselves, especially if it’s our first child and/or we’re feeling a bit lost. We can worry we’re not doing things right. We can beat ourselves up. What we don’t need is people making us feel us more unsure and potentially upset. Because sometimes people’s comments can make us feel like ‘I’m doing things wrong’ or ‘I’m not a good mother’ or even ‘what I’m doing is harming my child’.

Huffington Post parenting reporter Marie Holmes has written an article called ‘What To Do When Someone Criticizes Your Parenting In Public’. Because it happens a lot. In fact, psychologist Nanika Coor told Marie that “almost every parent I’ve worked with has a story of getting verbal or nonverbal ‘feedback’ on their parenting while in public”.

Marie has personal experience of this. Once, a woman (who presumably didn’t know that trees aren’t sentient) chastised Marie after her child hit a tree with a stick. “I was immediately triggered and experienced a wave of shame,” Marie writes. “I had been worried about accumulated hours of screen time, but here was proof that I was a terrible parent in so many other ways, too.”

“At the same time, I was flummoxed. I found something else for my son to beat his stick on, but that felt insufficient. Should I make him apologize? To the tree? What about my own negligence – where would my absolution come from? I know that I shouldn’t need reassurance from strangers that I am doing a good job parenting, but it’s hard not to let the criticism sting — especially when it’s the only feedback I may receive on a given day.”

What to say back?

It’s good to have a few possible responses up your sleeve, depending on the egregiousness of the comment and how your day is going:

  • ‘What business is it of yours?’
  • ‘I know my child and their needs.’
  • ‘That’s an interesting point of view. I see it differently.’
  • ‘I make my own parenting decisions.’
  • ‘Thanks, but I’ve got this.’
  • ‘Thankyou for your feedback.’
  • ‘Noted.’
  • ‘I disagree.’
  • ‘I don’t remember asking for advice.’
  • Ignore the person entirely.
  • Walk off.
  • If you have the energy or patience to do this, perhaps make them think about the effect of their words. For instance, you could say ‘I realise you’re probably trying to help, but actually you’re not. Do you realise this is just making me feel bad? What mothers need is support, not judgment.’
  • Or just say: ‘Politely, shut the f*** up’.

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