Welcome to our series, The Cancer Diaries, brought to you by the Cancer Society. With 1 in 3 Kiwis diagnosed with cancer in their lifetimes, the ripple effect of a cancer diagnosis spreads far and wide across Aotearoa. Over the next few months, we are going to bring you a range of stories from people who are affected by cancer: those who have dedicated their life’s work to fighting cancer, those currently living with cancer, those who have lost their most precious loved ones to cancer and those who have recovered and are now experiencing the second act that comes with surviving one of the hardest experiences a person can have. Here, we talk about what it’s like supporting your partner through cancer – and when it comes to men, how to help their mental health as well as the physical.
When your partner is diagnosed with cancer, the world tilts. There is the medical language, the appointments, the logistics – all of which are almost too much to wrap your head around. But then, then, there is the emotional fallout nobody really talks about. And if your partner is a man? There is a decent chance he is not saying much at all.
Take Capsule reader Amy, 42 (we’ve changed her name to protect her husband’s privacy). When her husband was diagnosed with stage three bowel cancer, she felt like she was holding a storm in her chest. The appointments, the scans, the chemotherapy schedules – she could manage the logistics, but the silence from her husband was crushing. “He was really difficult to talk to,” she admits. “I felt frustrated and sad, like I was navigating this huge, scary world alone – but then I felty guilty about that. I just wanted to… fix it. But I couldn’t.”
According to Cancer Society psychologist Dr Daniel Devcich, this silence is not a sign that he is fine. Often, it is the opposite.
“Just because they are not talking about it does not mean they are not feeling it,” Daniel explains. Men often default to what he calls the ‘filing cabinet’ approach: deal with the practical stuff first, like treatment schedules, bills and work, and shelve the emotional processing for later.
This can be an adaptive way to deal with the challenges of treatment, for example, but that doesn’t mean the emotions disappear completely.”
Amy found that first-hand. She tried to ask how he was feeling, but he would shut down or shrug it off. “It made me feel guilty for being upset,” she says, “because he’s the one with cancer. But I couldn’t just turn off my emotions either.”
Why This Matters: Because The Numbers Are Big
In 2022, there were 28,275 new cancer registrations across Aotearoa New Zealand, according to the Cancer Society – that’s roughly 77 people diagnosed every day.
For men, the most common cancers diagnosed that year were prostate cancer with 4,334 cases, colorectal cancer with 1,849 cases, and melanoma with 1,668 cases.
And on the mental health front, in the 2023 and 2024 New Zealand Health Survey, 10.2 percent of men aged 15 and older reported high or very high psychological distress in the previous four weeks.
Without resorting to sweeping generalisations, sometimes men deal with – or not deal with – high emotional trauma and mental anguish rather differently from women. So how do you know how to help your partner when they’re processing things in a way that doesn’t make a lot of sense to you?
The Masculinity Trap: Why Men Go Quiet
There’s a reason so many male partners go inward during cancer treatment. Culturally, men are handed a script to be strong, be stoic, provide, and stay in control, nods Daniel. Cancer is the ultimate curveball because it steals control, disrupts work and identity, and makes even the strongest person feel vulnerable.
Dr Daniel Devcich
“So much of what men tie their identity to gets shaken,” Daniel says. “Being unwell can feel, to them, like they are failing at being the strong one.”
“So much of what men tie their identity to gets shaken,” Daniel says. “Being unwell can feel, to them, like they are failing at being the strong one.”
And when men feel they are failing, many retreat.
The Signs He Is Struggling Even If He Swears He Is Fine
Women often show emotional distress through sadness, anxiety, or by talking things through. Men tend to show distress in different, sometimes quieter ways.
Daniel says to look for anything out of character. That might include:
- Withdrawing from conversations or family life
- Snapping or seeming more irritable
- Drinking more, or leaning on other escape mechanisms
- Changes in sleep, such as too much, too little, or restless sleep
- Hyper fixation on tasks or distractions
- Seeming blank, checked out or distant
None of these automatically mean it is a crisis. Cancer is stressful for everyone. But if the pattern persists, it might be worth gently checking in.
For Amy, these signs were all too clear. “He stopped talking about anything but treatment,” she says. “He was snappy sometimes, and nights were the worst. I didn’t know how to reach him.” But she kept trying, gently, patiently, and finally found an opening.
When Is It Normal Stress And When Is It Something More
No one expects anyone battling cancer to be ‘fine’. But how do you distinguish what’s a healthy reaction, and what might be adding to your partner’s illnesses?
Look, this is the question almost every partner asks – and Daniel’s answer is comforting but honest: it is genuinely hard to know.
“There’s no guidebook for this, because everyone is so different,” he says. “But the biggest thing you can do is simply be there, and keep your eyes out for changes out of the ordinary.”
Cancer is a huge, destabilising event. Stress is expected. But if things feel consistently unusual for him, or if behaviours are trending downward, it might be time to offer support.
And support doesn’t need to be a big, serious intervention.
How To Start The Conversation Without Making Him Shut Down
If you want him to talk, Daniel advises thinking shoulder to shoulder, not face to face. Literally.
Men often communicate better while doing something, like walking the dog, driving, cooking dinner or folding the washing (think about all the car arguments you’ve had, and you’ll get it!) Eye contact can feel too confrontational, so activity can feel safer.
Here are gentle openings that often work:
- “I’m finding all this pretty stressful, you must be too—if you ever want to talk about things, I’m here.”
- “Is there anything I can support you with right now – big or little?”
- “What has been the hardest part for you this week?”
Amy tried these techniques. She started suggesting small, practical ways to get support. “I told him about the Cancer Society’s sessions,” she says. “It took a few attempts, but he finally agreed to talk to someone.”
And If He Shuts Down
“One of the most powerful things you can do is just be there,” Daniel says, “and then choosing the right moment to talk—seizing the opportunity when it arises.”
No ultimatums, no emotional cross examination, no ‘we need to talk’.
Just steady presence, like sitting with him on the couch, passing him a cup of tea and letting him know he is not alone, even if he can’t explain what he feels.
What About You
Partners often feel guilty admitting how draining it is to support someone through cancer. Daniel says it is completely normal to feel overwhelmed, frustrated or helpless.
“You are going through it as well, just in a different way,” he says. “We offer therapy for partners, too, and a lot of them express that they feel guilty about feeling frustrated because they’re not the ones with cancer. But caring for someone going through such a trying time is also a very, very hard thing, and you should know you’re not alone, and it’s ok to feel the way you’re feeling.”
Remember – helping someone through cancer should not mean erasing your own wellbeing.
Amy’s journey reflects this. She began attending support sessions herself, and she says, “It gave me space to vent, cry, and process. I stopped feeling like I had to hold it all in.”
What Support Does The Cancer Society Of New Zealand And Others Offer
There is more support than many people realise at the Cancer Society – we urge you to check out the following options if you’re needing them:
- One on one psychology sessions which give men a space to talk freely or, if talking is hard, explore stress in practical ways like routines, coping tools and strategies.
- Support groups which can reduce isolation and help men realise they are not the only ones feeling like this.
- Family or partner support which offers sessions for you, for both of you or for the whole whānau. Cancer affects everyone in the home, not just the person with the diagnosis.
How To Help Him Connect With Support
Daniel suggests trying to reframe the idea of heading along to chat to someone as a practical, pragmatic step towards full recovery, rather than anything else. “Kiwi men are very pragmatic, so this is a great start,” he says. “Some men respond better to a practical solution than an emotional nudge.”
Amy found this approach worked for her, personally. Once her husband agreed to speak to the Cancer Society, things changed. “He’s opening up more, he’s talking about how he feels, and I can tell the burden is lifting,” she says. Today, he is doing better, expected to fully recover, and his mental health is solid. “It’s like we’ve finally found our footing again.”
If you or someone you love is navigating the emotional weight of cancer, you don’t have to do it alone. The Cancer Society offers psychological support for individuals, partners, and whānau, because mental wellbeing matters just as much as physical health. Cancer Society NZ — Psychology and counselling
These services are only possible thanks to the generosity of donors who believe in providing care beyond treatment. If you’d like to help us continue offering this vital support, please consider becoming a regular giver today. Click here to make a lasting difference. Cancer Society NZ — Donate now