In light of the misogyny stirred up by the U.S. election, including the truly horrendous ‘Your body, my choice’ slur being used against young girls on social media, Sarah Lang talks to some New Zealand mothers about their advice on raising sons to be feminist allies
Recently I took my 10-year-old son to a ‘minibeasts close encounter’ in the Wellington Zoo’s invertebrate house. The highlight was when the zookeeper put a tarantula on a table and described how some female tarantulas eat the male after mating, for extra nutrients. My wide-eyed son asked “does that make her a feminist?”.
No, I laughed, but I mentally noted I had work to do. I’d talked to him about feminism before, but clearly not clearly enough.
Back home, I explained that feminism isn’t about tarantulas eating their mates. That it’s not radical (a relation once told me it was). That it’s about seeking equality for men and women. My son said something like “of course men and women should be equal, why wouldn’t they be?”.
Deciding to save explaining the patriarchy for another day, I explained that, in many countries, women aren’t treated as men’s equals. I also explained that boys can themselves be feminists if they believe in equality for men and women. He said, “Ok but probably some people are better at feminism than I am?”. I said we all should try to be good at feminism. He seemed to understand that.
A few weeks later, when Trump won, my son asked me how a bad man could beat a good woman. I wiped away my tears and explained that there were many factors – one being that many young men were drawn to Trump through his engagement with ‘bro-culture’ podcasts that bolster toxic masculinity. “What’s that?” he said. I said something garbled like “when boys and men think they have to act a certain way to be a real man”.
I thought I should leave it there for now. I told him we could talk more about these things another day, and I’m here if he ever has any questions.
In general, as a parent, I’ve tried to challenge gender stereotypes. I’ve encouraged my son to express himself and his emotions, and haven’t bought into notions about how boys and girls should act or be interested in.
In our home, we role model equality. For starters, we don’t distribute tasks based on gender. My son knows that I usually cook dinner because I work school hours, but that his dad does the supermarket shopping.
I’m raising my son to be respectful of girls, women, and non-binary people. But after Trump’s win triggered an avalanche of misogyny, I wondered whether I could do more specific things to help him be a feminist ally?
What Do Other Mothers Think?
Melanie* says “we need to make sure their first relationship with a woman is a positive one. Do they feel loved, seen, accepted and honored for being themselves?” In today’s world, she says, too many men hate women. “I don’t think we can only blame other men for that. So, how to deliver my endless feminist rants without making my son feel ‘less’ for being male is the question.”
Kirsty* has an 18-year-old son. “I’ve used the U.S. election result to talk to him about why women have concerns about what may happen next, even though we’re not in the U.S. I’ve been gently pointing out some of the hideous messages – e.g. ‘your body, my choice’ – and why these are so harmful.”
After Trump’s victory, political pundit and live-streamer Nick Fuentes – who promotes white-supremacist, misogynistic, and antisemitic views – posted to his X/Twitter) account: ‘Your body. My choice. Forever” (which has had 95 MILLION VIEWS). In a video, he said “Hey bitch, we control your bodies. Guess what? Guys win again, men win again”. (Fuentes once dined with Trump.)
Men have been bombarding women on social media by repeating Fuentes’ messages and worse, emboldened by Trump’s victory and the Trump-stacked Supreme Court’s overturning of Roe v Wade, which ended the federal right to abortion access. Currently 13 states have banned abortion in almost all circumstances, four states have a six-week gestational limit, and four states have other gestational limits
Also, some women have been denied medical care for complications including miscarriages gone wrong, and after ‘incomplete abortions’ when retained tissue needs removing. Women have died.
Kirsty is horrified. “At my house, we’ve talked a lot about abortion as healthcare, using my own 19-week miscarriage as an example, and then the women who have been denied [care] and died. I’m trying to bring a wider perspective to it, even though I want to scream. I hate that these conversations have to happen, but we must do it. We have to be a counterbalance to the easily available and highly promoted dangerous rhetoric that drives young men towards misogynistic behaviour, à la Andrew Tate etc.”
Dubbed the ‘king of toxic masculinity’, Andrew Tate is a British-American former kickboxer and far-right ‘internet personality’ who calls himself “absolutely a misogynist”. Following Trump’s victory, Tate posted on X (formerly Twitter), saying “THE PATRIARCHY IS BACK” and “the men are back in charge”.
And when a woman reposted a quote that women are “asking for a President who isn’t a rapist,” Tate commented “REQUEST DENIED”.
Tate also posted that he’s moving back to America, but that’s wishful thinking. He’s under house arrest in Romania as authorities investigate allegations including rape, human trafficking, and forming a criminal gang to sexually assault women, over a decade.
What is particularly disturbing is that Tate has 10.3 million followers – and Fuentes has 439,000 followers – on X (formerly Twitter), which is owned by Trump patron Elon Musk (who calls himself a ‘free speech absolutist’). Thankfully, many other social-media platforms have banned Fuentes and Tate. But people can still find plenty of their content online, as well as interviews of them by podcasters and YouTube content creators. Both men have accounts on Rumble, a video platform popular among far-right users. Tate’s is called ‘Tate Speech’. A spew emoji doesn’t adequately capture my feelings about this.
All in all, it’s not surprising that more women – including in the U.S. right now – are interested in the 4B movement and the decentering men movement. Basically, it’s when women decide that all or some men will play a far smaller role, or no role, in their lives.
The Need For Ongoing & Specific Advice
Charlotte* is a single parent of a 17-year-old son. “I think we think that us walking the walk means our sons will walk the walk too. But to raise boys who aren’t sexist, you have to be explicit about pointing out things that are happening, even if doing that is uncomfortable.” Otherwise, Charlotte says, boys may not really notice something because they haven’t been or aren’t experiencing it personally.
Charlotte mentions a recent episode of The Graham Norton Show in which three male guests joked about how they’d defend themselves if attacked. “That’s what girls have to think about all the time,” fellow guest Saoirse Ronan added. “Things like this,” Charlotte says, “highlight how there’s a lack of consideration of a woman’s lived experience, even among what I understand to be feminist men.”
We can also talk to our sons about intersectional feminism, which centres the voices of those experiencing overlapping forms of oppression: women and non-binary people – and also people of different ethnicities, abilities/disabilities, sexual orientations, and backgrounds. We can explain how some people experience privilege and others experience oppression.
I’ve read that it’s important to show, not just tell. I’d already talked to my son quite a bit about how Aotearoa’s tangata whenua have been oppressed, and I’ve explained why a hīkoi is happening. We might go along when it arrives in Wellington.
How To Talk About Social Justice
Nicky* has sons aged nine and 12, and a daughter aged 15. “We speak a lot about social justice in our home, about the power of language, colonisation, and the NZ and U.S. elections.”
Nicky thinks it’s important to discuss such things frequently and in depth with our sons, so they can confidently discuss their thoughts and opinions with their peers. “I think it gets hard when peers who have ‘swag’ at school and social power have shit views. We need to ensure our boys are steadfast in the face of it.”
It’s also about how we talk to our children, Nicky says. “For boys and girls alike, it’s about learning how to discuss things rather than being adversarial. My daughter is quick to interrupt and point out what’s wrong with a comment in an accusatory tone. But cutting people off, and not listening to nuance, can make people feel pissed off and dig their heels in more. No one changes hearts and minds by being a bossy know-it-all.”
Nicky has been teaching her children to take a ‘naive enquirer’ position. “So that when they have discussions, they give the other person space to be heard, and to share information, in order to invite meaningful reflection. That person may potentially come to a different conclusion on their own. You could start with phrases like ‘have you considered…’, ‘what would that look like?’, or ‘I’d like to hear more about what you think of…’.”
Understanding How Boys Think
Katie* has three teenage sons and a 10-year-old daughter.
Her second son brought up (the aforementioned) Andrew Tate, saying that everyone’s aware of him and that he saw him on TikTok (before it banned Tate). Katie asked her son why Tate interests him. “He said Tate had a message that made sense and spoke to him: that Tate wants young men who have feelings of inferiority to have confidence – and he wants young men who have depression and anxiety to feel comfortable enough to go into the world and do things.”
“My eldest son heard us from the bathroom, came out and dumped on his brother. I agreed with my eldest but asked him to go away so I could speak to my second son because I could see him retreating into himself. We needed to have a conversation, not push him into a corner. If you let them get it out, then you know where these things are coming from.”
“So I said ‘it could be true that Tate is helping young men to feel more confident in some ways. Could it also be true that he’s hurting them and other people such as women and girls in the way he’s doing it?”
“In general, it’s a challenge to not wall up when you hear anti-feminist things. But it’s important not to react defensively. You can learn tools to figure out how to engage: first, stop, breathe and ask a question.”
Katie mentions American activist Loretta J. Ross’ approach of ‘a call-in culture’ rather than a ‘call-out culture’. This began as an approach to discussing racism but can also be used to discuss other issues. In her TED Talk, Ross speaks about her toolkit for turning difficult conversations into productive ones.
“When people have different points-of-view,” Katie says, “ask questions rather than make statements. With your kids, get curious and provide an open space to have wider conversations. That might be over dinner, or driving to football.” Sometimes, she says, it’s debriefing about conversations they’ve had with their peers.
“It’s hard because these conversations are women’s emotional labour, but they’re also the conversations that can change individuals and the world. Boys didn’t create this system of patriarchy. They’re not bad because they’re boys.” She says some boys feel unable to show emotions.
“My boys are compassionate, intelligent young people. We’ve had high-level conversations about what feminism is and isn’t, so they understand that feminism isn’t about hating men – it’s about fighting against the patriarchy.”
“I’d like boys to understand the patriarchy and the harm it does, particularly and specifically to women, girls, trans and non-binary folk. Also, I’d like boys to understand that although men and boys have privilege through the patriarchy, it still harms and limits their own identities and masculinity. I don’t want my sons to be socialised by the patriarchy into being oppressors of anyone – both for the sake of all oppressed people, but also because being an oppressor is to dehumanise yourself, to be less than human.”
“It’s important for boys to understand that the patriarchy simultaneously creates privileges that men need to recognise are unearned – and to understand that that privilege needs to be shared with girls and women. I want my boys to grow up to be great allies to women, to be part of the change in men – and help bring about intergenerational change.”
