Who knew that there is literal neuroscience behind the ‘zero f**ks given’ attitude many women feel in midlife?
Have you heard of ‘The Great Unf**kening’? Or ‘aging out of f**ks given’? It’s not sexual. It’s the ‘zero f**ks given’ meme of liberated women in midlife. But it’s not only a meme. It’s a real thing.
Ellen Scherr, a clinical therapist who helps women navigate midlife transitions, has written a blog called ‘Aging Out of F**ks: The Neuroscience of Why You Suddenly Can’t Pretend Anymore’.
She describes this scenario. “You’re in a meeting. Someone says something objectively wrong. And instead of doing your usual dance – the soft correction, the diplomatic phrasing, the careful preservation of everyone’s feelings – you just… say it. ‘That’s not accurate.’ No cushioning. No apology. No emotional labour to make your truth more palatable. And everyone looks at you like you’ve grown a second head.”
“Welcome to what I call the Great Unf**kening – that point in midlife when your capacity to pretend, perform, and please others starts shorting out like an electrical system that’s finally had enough. You might think you’re becoming difficult. Impatient. One of those ‘bitter older women’ you were warned about. But here’s what’s actually happening: your brain is restructuring itself.”
There is literal neuroscience behind this. “For decades, your prefrontal cortex – the part of your brain responsible for executive function, social behaviour, and impulse control – has been working overtime. It’s been monitoring social cues, calculating risks, suppressing authentic responses, and managing everyone else’s emotional experience. This is exhausting work. And it turns out, it’s unsustainable.”
Our brain is engaged in, well, pruning. “Research in neuroscience shows that as we age, the brain undergoes a process called synaptic pruning. Neural pathways that aren’t essential get trimmed away. Your brain is essentially Marie Kondo-ing itself, keeping what serves you and discarding what doesn’t. And all those neural pathways dedicated to hypervigilant people-pleasing? They’re often first on the chopping block.”
Bikinis and burlesque
For Kris, giving fewer f**ks has been about reclaiming her body and sources of pleasure. “For many years I was a bit ‘oh, I can’t do that’ about what I wore, who I had sex with, how I danced, whether I enjoyed a party. These days – f**k it. I’m into burlesque, happy to wear the bikini without giving a rat’s arse about trimming the bushes, I wear short shorts. No bra? Zero f**ks. I’m comfortable, I take up a me-sized space in society, rather than shrink from it. I’m done giving a sh*t.” And she’s all the happier for it.
Then there’s Rachel, who started a new tradition in her 50s. Her husband usually didn’t do anything for Mother’s Day, unless their child makes it happen.
“Three years ago on Mother’s Day I had a f**k it moment and booked myself into a hotel for the night, plus [had] a delicious lunch and dinner.”
She still does this on Mother’s Day. “I go solo and I do not care! I drink champagne, am cosseted by the lunchtime staff as it’s my fave local and they are wonderful. I take a book and have a thoroughly indulgent 24 hours, going to work from the hotel the next morning. Do I feel guilty? Nope. Do I care if people stare? Also nope! And do I enjoy it? Absolutely. I also realise my privilege in being able to do that, as it’s a spendy 24 hours, but it gives me HUGE amounts of joy.”
Charli, 48, says she’s always been blunt. “My natural instinct as a person is to always be straightforward and honest and direct. But I’ve been very aware through social conditioning that it is not a good temperament to have around males in particular.” She also says that perimenopause, which began three years ago, has made her blunter. “I’m just way more offensive to men now probably. Luckily I couldn’t care less what they think of me.”
However, not all women have an empowering experience. Justine Ward, 54, was diagnosed late with ADHD in October, six years after “perimenopause exploded spectacularly”.
“Much of the people-pleasing stuff has fallen away, but I find that without that familiar framework, and without being viewed as sexually viable, I’m more insecure and have lost a lot of confidence. I’m experiencing increased emotional dysregulation which leaves me feeling disempowered and out of control, as opposed to the liberated ‘zero f**ks given’ meme of the peri-menopausal woman.” She would love to be part of that meme.
No more people-pleasing?
Ellen Scherr outlines how the chemicals in our brain change in midlife. “Dr Louann Brizendine, neuropsychiatrist and author of The Female Brain, explains that women’s brains are particularly wired for social harmony and caregiving in the first half of life – driven partly by estrogen and oxytocin. But as estrogen levels shift in perimenopause and beyond, this intense drive to please and nurture others begins to diminish. What replaces it isn’t bitterness. It’s clarity. The accumulated cost of a lifetime of performance.”
“Think about what you’ve been doing since you were old enough to understand social dynamics: Reading the room. Adjusting your tone. Softening your language. Making yourself smaller to make others comfortable. Laughing at jokes that weren’t funny. Agreeing with opinions you didn’t share. Explaining things carefully so no one feels threatened by your knowledge. You’ve been running complex social calculations every single day for decades.”
“By the time you reach midlife, you’ve had 40+ years of this conditioning. That’s four decades of:
- “Don’t be bossy” (translation: don’t lead)
- “Don’t be pushy” (translation: don’t assert boundaries)
- “Don’t be difficult” (translation: don’t have needs)
- “Don’t be emotional” (translation: don’t be human)
“You’ve been performing an elaborate social choreography so long it became automatic. You stopped noticing you were doing it. Until suddenly, you can’t anymore.”
“As estrogen declines, so does its moderating effect on emotional responses and social bonding behaviors. You’re not becoming ‘hormonal’ in the dismissive sense. You’re becoming less chemically compelled to prioritize others’ comfort over your own truth. You’re literally less neurologically invested in what others think.”
*Email hello@capsulenz.com if you’ve experienced the ‘great unf**kening’ or if you’d like to read a story about how to deal with the social backlash that can make this transition uncomfortable
