Every year I watch the same clutch of Christmas movies and every year I am confronted with my own mortality as I leap frog past the ages of the movie characters. When I first started watching Home Alone, I was the age of Kevin. Now, at 35, I am the age of the mum (!!!!!), even though I am, still, far more likely to get locked alone in a house accidentally than I am to be able to raise a family of five children. It’s scary and it’s depressing! It’s Christmas! Join me for this chilling walk down memory lane, won’t you?
Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet are sad single women in their 30s, a genre of lady I belonged to for almost all of my early thirties, who switch houses the week before Christmas to find mediocre, emergency love with the nearest men they can find.
Am I older than them now?
Yes! Cameron is 34 in this movie and Kate is 31! RING A DING DING. Jack Blacks for everyone!
Bruce Willis is a classic bad father/husband in this movie, where a major plot point of controversy is that his wife is using her maiden name again. A power move in the late 80s! Alan Rickman (my one true love) stars as the bad guy.
Am I older than them now? Yes! Bruce Willis is 33 in this movie! Would you put me in charge of rescuing a bunch of hostages in an LA skyscraper? No, you would not!
The Family Stone
Sarah Jessica Parker plays a career woman (BOO!! HISS!!!!) who goes home to her partner’s AWFUL family for Christmas, is super nervous about it, and receives zero emotional support from him during this entire, god-awful process. This movie makes me dislike Diane Keaton, which I thought was fundamentally impossible.
Am I older than them now? NO! Sarah Jessica Parker is 40 in this movie. 40 and unmarried? No wonder she was cast as a villain. Thanks, Hollywood.
One of the classics, even though it has some problems, namely the fact that Keira Knightly is 17 in this movie and that’s just never mentioned. I was older than Keira when this movie came out, so her youth is not a problem for me. But let’s see how the other women fare, in terms of my self-esteem, shall we?
Am I older than them now? Mixed bag. Natalie/Plumpy is just a dewy 27 years old in this movie. Interesting fact: her love interest, Hugh Grant, was 43, which is considerably LESS of an age difference than Boris Johnson, 56, and his current partner, Carrie, 32!
Laura Linney is 39 in this movie – no wonder she’s only given once chance at love! Thanks, Hollywood! – and Emma Thompson is 44 (but dressed in the movie as if she is 205 years old).
The Santa Clause
Tim Allen kills Santa and then has to become him – a chilling concept that reads a bit like Face/Off, when you put it bluntly. Doesn’t stop me from crying every time I watch it though!
Am I older than them now? NO! Tim Allen is 41 in this movie! Phew!
Arguably the best Christmas movie (argued by me, specifically), this delightful tale follows Will Ferrell as a human raised by elves who goes to find his real dad in New York City. Like almost all children’s tales, this one starts in an orphanage because parents just get in the way, I guess.
Am I older than them now? *breathes into paper bag* I am the exact age of Elf in this movie. However, this is the one movie where I feel more mature than the lead character (the Elf) so maybe that’s okay.
Home Alone 2: This Time It’s Personal*
As an adult, this movie is actually CRAZY violent but again, I still cry every time I watch it. Kevin McCallister – horrible child with a heart of gold – takes the wrong plane (pre 9/11) and ends up in New York by accident, where he befriends a bird woman while being chased by the same criminals who tried to kill him in the last movie.
Am I older than them now? Okay, Pigeon Lady is 46 in this movie (but, again, dressed to look 205 years old). Joe Pesci is 49 and Marv, the other criminal is… oh my god… 35. Wow, this one hurt!
*not actual title