The rules absolutely do not apply if you’re grieving at Christmas – it’s about keeping yourself and your loved ones as emotionally supported as possible.
I don’t want to call it a silver lining but it’s more of a carte blanche to do things your way this year – you can shape the day in any way you want to. It’s often recommended, in fact, to have a break from regular traditions and create new ones – either for just this year, or going forward.
A change of scenery can be the best for helping create some space from past memories – slightly trickier under Covid-19, but even if you can head to a beach for a couple of days, it can be good to give everyone a break from home and the memories that come with it. If there have ever been meals or traditions or, I’ll say it, people, that you’d rather do the big day without, this is your year to make that happen.
Christmas is very hard to grieve through because we are – quite literally – told it’s the most wonderful time of year and that can be very isolating. You need a support system to help you, a safe place and person to go to when things get a little bit too much.
You also need to give yourself that space as well – bottling up your emotions so you don’t ruin Christmas brunch or whatever is unfair to yourself. Surround yourself with people you can laugh and cry with. Try and work in some daily walks as well – fresh air is good for the soul and walking can help calm down some of the anxious, panicky feelings that can come hand in hand with grief.
Just be really, really kind to yourself – grief can make children of us all, seeking comfort and warmth wherever we can. Look after your inner child and give them a break from having to be on their best behaviour this year.
Recognising Grief at Christmas
If there’s no two ways about it, that Christmas is going ahead as per normal, but you’d like to acknowledge your loss, here are some ideas of how you can incorporate them into your day:
+ Serve their favourite dish. Did your Aunt Mary always bring along beans with slivered almonds? See if you can find her recipe, or one darned close to it and have it on the table again this year in her honour.
+ Light a candle in memory of your missing loved one. You can say a few words, or just quietly light it and look over during the day to be reminded of the presence.
+ Add an extra plate. Some folks like to set up an extra space at the dinner table – but over to you on this one, your grief may be too fresh, or it may feel like an appropriate gesture.
+ Did they have a favourite Christmas song? Make sure it’s the first one on your playlist.
+ Have a signal with your family/friends. If you’re finding the holidays tough and need a bit of time to yourself, establish a code word or signal with your loved ones which signals to them that you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed and need a quiet moment to yourself. Maybe you have another code word if you’re feeling overwhelmed and would like their company, so they know to come follow you!
+ Make a decoration for the tree in their honour.
+ Burn any regrets. Christmas is a great time to let some things go. While it’s (fingers crossed) too warm and balmy to think about lighting a fire like many families do in the northern hemisphere, maybe you have a little brazier outside, or a metal bowl you could write down any regrets you have about things left unsaid or unfinished with the person you’re grieving. Then (before you have too many glasses of prosecco or sherry!!) burn the little piece of paper.
