Team, it’s that time of year again: time to start thinking about… togs. Monika Barton just went shopping for togs – yes, in early spring (hurrah, for a tropical getaway!) – and she is now armed with all the information of where to go and how to tackle it, whilst keeping your sanity, dignity and self-esteem in check.
It’s a truth universally acknowledged by womankind: Trying to buy swimwear is an extreme sport. Doing so before spring even really hits? Emotional warfare.
Not only are the designers of changing rooms covertly committing hate crimes, we’re fighting an uphill battle against brands with limited size ranges, heavily airbrushed models and delusions about female anatomy.
We all dread this time of year, when we’re forced to peel off our leggings, shed our oversized knits and expose our delicate winter bodies to the harsh fluorescent lighting of a mall overrun with carefree Gen Zs selecting their next belly ring from Lovisa.
With a tropical holiday coming up (must be nice), I was forced to go into battle early this year. Armed with more than 20 years of bikini-buying trauma, this time, I was determined to make the process as painless as possible.
Here are my top tips for avoiding a total meltdown in the pursuit of a high-waisted bottom.
Preparation
- Time your trip: Do not, under any circumstances, wing this. Set aside a short but manageable window of time on a day you won’t be rushed, are NOT hungover and have done your due diligence on where to go.
- Perform your chosen rituals: Marinate in fake tan or apply a glowy moisturiser/body oil. Do whatever level of hair and make-up makes you feel your best. Say some affirmations. Undertake your usual hair removal routine. Do this, even if you’re doing an at-home try-on (more on that soon)
- Dress the part: Wear nude, seamless knickers that fit you well, but importantly, aren’t shapewear. We need to respect those hygiene rules while also getting the best representation of your natural bod. Wear slides and a loose dress – buttoning yourself out of and back into jeans 17 times will push you over the edge.
On the Day
- Plot your course: Aimless wandering through a Westfield may overwhelm you to the point that you’re forced to flee. You might end up eating your food court meal in your parked car, through tears, and your friends could refer to it as the ‘Sad Burrito Incident’ for years to come.
- Store selection: Only hit up places you know have the kind of style and range you like. Check stock levels online ahead of time, if possible. If you can afford to invest a little, specialised swimwear stores, while pricier, offer more options, experts to help you get fitted correctly and fewer of those aforementioned Gen Zs.
- Refuel regularly: A little treat, a second coffee, a yummy lunch – all of these things will boost morale and keep you focused.
- Go it alone (if you can): A trusted second opinion is a wonderful thing, but my personal preference is to embark on a solo mission. You can lock in, scream silent profanities at the sky and not have to worry if the other person somehow looks incredible in togs bought from Glassons, online, first try.
Consider Staying Home
No, not in a grim way.
You might want to stick to strictly online shopping, which gives you access to more brands, lets you try things on in your safe space with natural lighting, and offers the option to sage the area afterwards (mall security tends to frown upon this).
The key here is to choose reputable online outlets – resist the call of Shein, I beg – that offer easy, free or cheap returns, so you can order the same thing in three different sizes and see what works.
Here are a few such sites (not sponsored, I’ve just spent a lot of time on this):
- Moontide Swimwear – A great local option that has been making iconic Kiwi togs since the 80s. Cute prints and colours, a range for larger busts and sustainable fabric. You have to pay for return shipping, but it’s not far!
- The Iconic – Massive range of tried-and-tested swimwear brands like Seafolly, Tigerlily Rhythm, Rip Curl and Thrills. Free returns with NZ Post drop-off, or courier pickup.
- Infamous Swim – Super inclusive sizing, from XS – 5XL, with really helpful fit guides. Cute high-waisted bottoms! So many styles of tops. Partners with lots of charities. Self-postage returns at buyer’s expense.
- ASOS – Huge variety of mix-and-match separates, including ASOS’s own Hourglass, Tall, Fuller Bust and Petite ranges. Easy local NZ Post drop-off (with a small flat fee deducted from refund)
Final Verdict + Size Rules
Don’t forget to entirely ignore the size tag and shop for what fits and feels good. Swimwear fabric shrinks slightly in water, but dry elastic cuts brutally into pale, post-winter skin, and there is no reason for any of us to ever feel like a tightly bound Christmas ham.
Sizing up is often a good shout, as is going for patterns in ‘your’ colours and flattering textures. It probably goes without saying, but don’t shop to trends – shop for the beautiful body you have right now.
NEVER FORGET, COMRADES: The fitting rooms are gaslighting you, and your labia shouldn’t have to fight each other to stay contained.
Plan the beach day, frolic in the water and try to leave the dread in the Westfield car park. You’ve got a tropical drink to drink and thirst traps to snap.
