While it’s an absolute honour, the actual cost of being a bridesmaid can come as a bit of a nasty shock to many. The costs can quickly ramp up with a hens-do, dresses, shoes, hair-and-make-up, the wedding gift, travel, the list goes on… So, who should be responsible for these expenses? We hear from two of our readers about their experiences and we speak to The Curve co-founder Sophie Hallwright for some insight and advice.
Jennifer* spent around $5,000 as a bridesmaid — something she didn’t anticipate when her friend first asked her to be one.
There were weekend getaway hens-do, matching nails and shoes, a $300 hair and make-up bill, and expensive accommodation at a destination wedding. It just kept going, she says, and the bride expected them to pay for it. All of it.
“She would choose something, like accommodation or make-up, and ask us what we think about it.
“When we’d say it’s nice, that’s when we’ll find out about the cost because she’ll ask us to pay for our share. We’d already agreed it was nice, so it’s too awkward to take it back or say it’s too much.”
The Unspoken Cost Of Being A Bridesmaid
In a recent Capsule poll, we asked you how much you’d be willing to spend as a bridesmaid, and what costs you think should be covered by the bride.
Sixty-five percent said the bride should pay for the bridesmaid dress – especially if it can’t be worn again. A whopping 88% said hair and make up should be paid for by the bride.
As for how much you’re comfortable to spend as a bridesmaid, the majority of you (44%) said under $200, followed closely (42%) by those of you who said you’d be okay with somewhere within the $200 to $500 range.
When Jennifer was first asked to be a bridesmaid, OF COURSE she was excited because it’s such a huge privilege. But she says no one talks about the financial burden that could come with it.
She’d been a bridesmaid several times before and in the past, she’d never had to pay for the privilege. But this friend wanted a glamorous wedding, which she says would’ve been fine if the bride had communicated her financial expectations from the outset.
Jennifer says she doesn’t think her friend had any ill intentions, but the societal pressure for a wedding to be of a certain standard took a toll on the bride.
Looking back, she says she wishes she’d said something from the start.
“Talking about money with your friends just felt awkward, and you also don’t want the bride to be unhappy,” she says.
If she could do a do-over, she says she would’ve asked the bride from the start how much time and money she expected from them.
Brides, What Are You Putting Aside For Your Bridesmaids?
Sophie Hallwright is the co-founder of women’s investing platform The Curve. She says if we’re close enough with our friends to talk about intimate details of our sex lives, we should be able to talk about what the financial obligations are.
“I don’t know why it’s this weird thing, that money and love aren’t very integrated,” she says. “It’s like talking about money with your partner — it’s gross to associate weddings and money. But those are the times we need to be speaking about money the most.
“If we can all just jump on board the trend of making it normal to talk about budgets and how much things are gonna cost, it would take a lot of anxiety away for a lot of bridesmaids.”
When it comes to the costs that go toward the wedding day, Sophie’s personal opinion is the bride should cover it. “If you’re having a wedding, and you’re asking your friends to be there for you, I don’t think that cost should be worn by the bridesmaids.
“I just fundamentally think it’s wrong to expect someone to buy a new dress or shoes that match your colour palette. Make up and hair, and all that stuff, to be put on the person that’s doing something for you.”
Money is not an afterthought for a bride, she says, because it revolves around everything to do with wedding planning — the tent, the venue, the dress, the food.
“[The bride] speaks openly with caterers, and all of that, about money, what are you putting aside for your bridesmaids? Communicate that with them.
“Are you just trying to skip a cost, expecting them to pay for it? Or maybe you’re paying for it and you just feel awkward bringing it up. But why? They’re doing a job for you, too.”
She says the bride being clear about financial expectations means the bridesmaid can decide if it’s in their budget.
But How Do I Talk To A Bride About Bridesmaids Costs?
Sophie says setting those financial boundaries with the bride doesn’t have to be such a serious thing.
- She says you could make a joke out of it, and say: Okaaaay, I’m going to ask you the awkward question. What sort of money are we talking with this? Because of course I want to be there for you, but I also don’t want to be the bridesmaid that can’t afford hair and makeup. So let me know what you’re thinking about costs.
- Or you could try: “Oh my god, what a compliment. I couldn’t think of anything more beautiful than being a bridesmaid for you. I just want to be aware of what it’s going to cost financially because I want to make sure I’m not letting the team down. Or not be able to keep up with what you want.”
Finding The Perfect Bridesmaids Dresses
On the flip side, we hear from a bride, Steph*, who spent more time and money on finding the perfect dress for her bridesmaids than she did on her own wedding dress. (Which was only $200 on TradeMe, by the way! And she still raves about that dress.)
She spent at least $1,200 hunting down the perfect bridesmaids dresses, which was a decent whack of her overall budget ($8,000, excluding the photographer!).
One of her bridesmaids was pregnant, so she especially wanted her to feel beautiful and comfortable on the big day.
Steph ordered dresses online that she thought looked amaaaazing, but none of the dresses fit right on any of her bridesmaids.
So she turned to a designer, thinking custom dresses would be the perfect solution, but what came next was a huge disappointment.
She says the dresses would make a loud swooshing sound when they walked in it. It made her pregnant friend look frumpy, while it weirldy made the other bridesmaid’s shoulders look really wide.
“It would have been hours and hours of work to fix that… I was so mad at [the designer] for wasting my time, wasting my money, and not doing what I asked,” she says.
‘I Didn’t Want to Financially Burden my Best Friends’
Steph says her lovely friends said it was fine and they’d wear it, but she just couldn’t do that to them.
But she hadn’t found the time to find better dresses, because while she was planning her wedding, she was also caring for her mum who had been diagnosed with a lung disease.
“My beautiful friend,” says Steph, “she must have been six months pregnant, she went to the mall and to every shop that had anything remotely bridesmaids-ish and [found a dress in] Pagani…
“The dress wasn’t even maternity, but the dress fit her and the way it sat on all of them was perfect.”
While Steph’s bridesmaids contributed $150 each for the dress and make-up, she says she wanted to cover most of the expenses.
She and her now-husband didn’t want to financially burden her best friends.
“I’m one of those girls that was like, ‘I can’t wait to get married, to have a wedding and it’s going to be beautiful’. But I think with mum dying at that time, it really sort of refined what the day was for us.
“When it actually came to it and mum was sick, all I care about is that we have all these people that we love celebrating [our love] and eat good food, drink food, and have a good time.”
*Jennifer and Steph are not their real names and they’ve asked to be anonymous for privacy reasons.
