Is having kids at a wedding ever a good idea? Can it create fun, special moments, or instead create a whole lot of headaches and stress? We chat to people with very different views on the topic, get some expert advice, and speak to a Kiwi woman who fears she may have lost her best friend over the issue…
When Cath discovered she was pregnant after two years of trying, she was elated. But, she knew there was someone who, perhaps quite surprisingly, wouldn’t exactly share her excitement: Her best friend, Ruby.
Ruby was getting married in eight months. She’d been meticulously planning her wedding for the last year or so, almost since the moment her partner proposed, and Cath was one of her bridesmaids.
“Ruby has had most of her wedding plans locked in for a year already,” says Cath. “The venue, her dress, a photographer, our dresses – the works. It’s a massive deal to her – and I get that, she has been dreaming of her wedding day since she was little.”
But, with that in mind, Cath felt nervous telling her about her pregnancy. To be fair, she felt nervous telling anyone in the first trimester, after they had spent so long hoping for a positive test. They opted to only tell close family, and then, at three months they told their friends.
“When I told Ruby, I apologised and said straight away that I knew this wasn’t idea for her wedding – I’d likely have a two-week old baby!” she says. “Ruby said she was so happy for me, but her face didn’t look it. She was really just showing her teeth rather than proper smiling.”
Cath says she knew Ruby would really only be thinking about how it would affect the wedding, and, knowing how important the day was to her, she understood that she might not immediately be too overjoyed.
Cath gave it a bit of time for the dust to settle and then arranged to meet up with Ruby the next week. They had a conversation which seemed to be going well – Cath told Ruby she would understand if she no longer thought it would work to have her as a bridesmaid and instead have her as a regular guest at the wedding.
“Ruby was obviously really disappointed and maybe a bit annoyed about it, but said at least she had time to change the dress for a replacement bridesmaid,” she says. “She said she was still so excited that I was willing to come to the wedding – it’s about a four hour drive away from where we live.”
They then kept talking about other facets of the wedding and went their separate ways. Then, a week later Ruby and Cath were texting when Ruby asking, “who are you leaving the baby with for the wedding? My sis is going to need a sitter too”.
“I knew her sister was already six months pregnant, so was going to have a little baby too,” says Cath. “But, I had assumed I would be able to bring the baby for at least part of it.”
Ruby’s wedding was strictly adults-only. She had assumed that in Cath saying that she still wanted to be there that she would not be bringing her newborn. Cath had assumed that the adults-only rule wouldn’t apply to her with a baby who was only one or two weeks old.
“I told her I hoped I’d be able to bring the baby for at least a part of it,” says Cath. “She said she couldn’t make an exception for me, because already her siblings weren’t allowed to bring their kids. One of her sisters was about to give birth.”
Cath called her mother then text back Ruby to say that her mother would come with them and so she could look after the baby and they’d get a place closer to the venue so she could pop out to feed the baby when needed, maybe even feed them in the car outside if necessary, but she would find a way to make it work.
“Ruby just text back saying that it wasn’t ideal and the wedding wasn’t something I could pop in and out of,” says Cath. “She said I was either in, or out of the wedding and she would appreciate an answer soon – even though she hadn’t sent out invites yet.”
Cath says she felt terrible doing it, but she had no choice but to say she wouldn’t be attending. With a newborn baby there’s no way she could agree to spending more than an hour or two away from her child. Ruby hasn’t spoken to her since.
“It’s so sad,” says Cath. “I really want to be around her at the moment to share in my joy of the pregnancy and for this time before her wedding. I’ve called and messaged but had nothing back. It’s so sad that it’s come to this.”
Capsule reader Jennifer is planning a wedding and says she’s also having some kid-related dramas.
“All my sisters reckon their kids should be invited,” says Jennifer. “I’m just like, ‘what?’. I don’t want a whole group of kids running around, being loud, interrupting the ceremony, interrupting the vibes. Our reception is going to be a big party and it’s just not appropriate for kids to be running around at it. It’s not the vibe I’m going for. I want to have fun!”
Jennifer is the youngest girl of a big family and is the last one to get married – she’s also the only one without kids. But, when the rest of her siblings got married, none of them had kids, so this is the first time it’s come up. Her family cannot understand why she doesn’t want kids at the wedding.
“They all think I’m being so rude,” she says. “But, I think it’s rude of them to expect me to change my vision of the day for them. They all got to have the weddings they wanted. Why shouldn’t I?”
Deciding whether or not your wedding is a kid-friendly one or not seems to be a cut and dried topic for many – they know from the beginning of planning as to which way they intend on going (or a mix of having kids at the ceremony only). So, where do we all fall? Do kids belong at wedding, or not at all?!
When we quizzed Capsule readers on the topic 45% of readers said that no, kids do not belong at a wedding. Another 39% said ‘it depends’ – which ranged in reasons from whether the bride and groom have children, to what type of wedding it is (formal vs casual), to which kids we’re talking about (immediate family, yes, anyone else, not so much), to whether it was a sit down dinner (maybe not so good for kids), the setting (is it formal? At a winery? The edge of a dramatic cliff!?!), or how old the kids are (teenagers, yes. A gaggle of toddlers? Notsomuch). Interestingly a lot of people commented that their breastfeeding friends and family would be welcome to bring their babies (“We had two friends bring newborns, and they both respectfully stepped out of the ceremony before their babies started crying – and they both left early, but it was so nice to have them there,” said one reader.)
Just 16% of readers said a straight yes to the idea of having kids at a wedding.
Myself, I’m definitely in that minority group, because I had a kid-friendly wedding. Now, that’s likely to the fact that we have two kids already who we definitely wanted to have a part of the big day, and the fact that we were in our forties when we married. When I think back to my 20s or early 30s, there’s no way I would have imagined or wanted kids at the wedding.
Which is funny, because when we started planning the wedding we thought back to other weddings we’d been to (something that is always a part of working out what YOU want), and one of the first memories that popped into my head was the wedding of one of my closest and oldest friend, who was the first in our friend group to get married at 24. I loved her wedding and one of my absolute favourite memories of her big day was dancing at the reception for hours with the little flower girls and pageboys who had become my pals over the day. It was so special.
And now, one of my favourite memories of my wedding day was when my new husband came searching from me to tell me that I had to come to the dance floor to see something. Our two-year-old was in the middle of the dance floor, surrounded by older kids and adults and was cutting up some serious shapes on the dance floor – which he somehow continued to do until 10.30pm when he suddenly said he was done and it was bedtime. It was a glorious evening and I’m so glad he was there.
Kate says she loved having her daughters at her wedding and it was very special at the start, particularly to have them in photos, but then, when the reception started it was time to say bye-bye, pop the champagne and let her hair down.
Chrissy says they had a slightly controversial way of picking whose kids could come (that most people never found out about): they only picked kids they knew were well behaved. “We have a few friends who, bless them, but they have shithead kids, so they couldn’t come,” she says. “There were some other kids we didn’t invite who are nice enough, but we didn’t trust their parents enough to be keeping a close eye on them. I didn’t want any of them leaning up on the cake and knocking it over, or just being a pest and no one taking accountability”.
Jean says she and her husband were a hard ‘never, no way’ on having kids at their wedding. No one’s kids were invited to any part of the wedding and they’re so pleased they did it that ways. “Kids just shouldn’t be at a wedding,” she says. “It’s a formal occasion. But it’s also a party where there will be drinking. That’s not appropriate for having children at.”
Claire says she was open to the idea of allowing children – particularly those of close friends and family because it was a destination wedding – but changed her mind when they saw the prices. “It was $160pp for adults, but then it was $100pp for kids,” she says. “I thought it would be heaps cheaper. There’s no way we could afford that much!”
Photographer Philippa James says there’s a few things you should consider if you’re planning a wedding and thinking about including children.
“If you are having little people in your bridal party (as bridesmaids and/or ushers,) it’s a good idea to give them some kind of prep before the ceremony,” she says. “Walking down an aisle can send the jitters up anyone, so a little practice when you next see them, just in the garden or something, can just help them visualise what to expect. And if one lacks a bit of confidence, pairing them with older ones is always a good idea.”
She says it’s also a good idea to have a bit of a back-up plan, in case things don’t go quite as you envisage.
“If any of the little ones kick off and decide they don’t want to play ball, just roll with it,” she says. “If a three-year-old decides it ain’t happening – it really ain’t happening! My youngest was a toddler when we got married and she had a complete meltdown just as we were about to skip down the aisle! Luckily her nursery teacher was on standby, who scooped her up and kept her calm and occupied.”
Our wedding celebrant, Jonny Rudduck, had the great advice of creating a kids’ zone at the ceremony – a little picnic blanket with some (quiet!) toys, books etc for playing with in case the kids got bored during the ceremony. Thankfully, we didn’t end up needing it, but it’s good to have a plan.
As the day progresses, depending on the age of your kids, Philippa says it can be a good idea to have some entertainment or games available for the children.
“Kids don’t necessary need entertaining at weddings – it really does depend on how many are coming and how old they are,” she says. “But if you do want to lay on some entertainment for your youngest guests I’ve seen bouncy castles, magic shows, a kids’ room set up with toys and films, a science entertainer, and even a snake show!! (Yes, you did read that correctly!).”
What are your thoughts? Do kids belong at a wedding?! Email us your thoughts at hello@capsulenz.com or head to our Instagram or Facebook page to leave your thoughts and comments.
