Friends after a divorce!? What we most often hear about after a divorce, is the struggle to be civil; couples who were once so close struggling to even look at each other and suddenly, very oddly, feeling like strangers. But, it turns out that this stage can often be shortl-ived, because it’s actually quite common for couples – over varyingly lengths of time! – to become friends. And good ones at that!
In our past instalments over the last year we’ve covered everything from when you’re most likely to divorce to whether they’re contagious to whether being on the contraceptive pill can effect your chances! and have now spoken to dozens of women – including one whose husband announced he was leaving her to have an open relationship with a 19-year-old, another who was quite literally ghosted by her own husband and one who discovered the real reason her husband divorced her was because he had a baby with her SISTER.
If you have a topic you’d like to discuss, share your thoughts, experience or advice about, drop a line to alice@capsulenz.com.
According to some Hollywood insiders, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have been better friends since their shock divorce last year.
The A-list pair, nicknamed ‘Bennifer‘, have been spotted together a number of times at events for Lopez’s first musical Kiss of the Spider Woman, which Affleck produced.
Psychologist Dr. Louise Goddard-Crawley says it’s not uncommon for couples, be it celebrity or the average pair, to be better friends post-split.
“When the pressure of making a marriage work is lifted, people’s nervous systems can settle,” she tells nine.com.au.
“The constant cycle of expectation, disappointment and repair is replaced by something calmer, and that often allows kindness and humour to return. What’s left is a softer connection that isn’t being tested every day.”
Goddard-Crawley believes this happens because “marriage exposes so much of who we are” and “can bring old patterns to the surface”.
“[It can] highlight unmet needs that we might not even have been aware of before,” the chartered member of the British Psychological Society tells nine.com.au.
“Once the structure of the marriage falls away, those triggers quieten, and both people can see each other more clearly.
“Emotional distance can actually create a sense of safety, and safety allows warmth to re-emerge.”
However, Goddard-Crawley warns it’s not an immediate change, saying it take time to reach that point and a good place.
“Very few couples become friends immediately after separating,” she says.
“When it does happen, it’s usually because both people have processed the ending and can look back with some perspective. Mutual respect and emotional maturity make all the difference.”
For some couples, that distance does make the heart grow fonder – again. But it can be a minefield to navigate.
“When people start to wonder whether they should get back together, that too is natural,” she says.
“We tend to idealise the past when we’re lonely or uncertain. The real question is whether both have changed enough to make a different kind of relationship possible, or whether the affection they feel now is simply a reflection of distance from the conflict.”
Goddard-Crawley says getting along better with an ex post-divorce doesn’t necessarily mean there is still a romantic undertone to the relationship.
“Often it just means that, without the weight of shared logistics, money, or parenting dynamics pressing on them, they can enjoy each other’s company again,” she says.
“Sometimes love simply changes shape rather than disappearing altogether.”
Goddard-Crawley’s advice to those who worry about lines blurring is to create clear boundaries.
“If people want to remain friends through or after a separation, I think the best thing they can do is communicate honestly and keep their boundaries clear,” the psychologist says.
“Knowing what kind of closeness feels comfortable, and what could blur lines, helps both people feel safe. It’s not about slipping back into old routines but consciously creating a new kind of relationship.”
Goddard-Crawley says there are many different kinds of love and couples don’t need to be in a rush to label their new normal.
“What matters most is not the label, but whether both people feel connected in a way that supports their growth and wellbeing,” she says.
“Romantic or erotic love relies on chemistry and intensity, while platonic love is anchored in trust, care and shared history.
“Some relationships evolve from one into the other, and that transition can feel surprisingly natural.”
