There were three wedding red flags that popped up on Sally’s big day to her husband, Ben, that she now wishes she’d paid more attention to. The couple are now getting divorced, but the signs they were heading in that direction were there from the start, says Sally
Welcome to the Divorce Diaries. In our past instalments we’ve covered everything from when you’re most likely to divorce to whether they’re contagious to whether being on the contraceptive pill can effect your chances (?!) and have now spoken to dozens of women – including one whose husband announced he was leaving her to have an open relationship with a 19-year-old, another who was quite literally ghosted by her own husband and one who discovered the real reason her husband divorced her was because he had a baby with her SISTER.
If you have a topic you’d like to discuss, share your thoughts, experience or advice about, drop a line to alice@capsulenz.com.
It was a slow unravelling in the end. A lot of arguments, a lot of resentment and some suspicion.
After five years of marriage (and more than a decade together) Sally and Ben called it quits last year.
“There was so much resentment, on both sides,” says Sally. “I felt like he was so absent – emotionally and physically. He wasn’t the father or husband I’d hoped he be – he was very selfish. He always put himself first. And, I suspected he was having an affair, but I guess I’ll never really know.”
But, this story isn’t about the sad ending of their marriage. There’s a lot to unpack there, but this story is about the start of their marriage, because Sally has been doing a lot of reflecting lately.
“I think that’s probably pretty typical,” she says. “You look back at what happened and look for the signs that this is where you were headed and what you overlooked and why.”
Because, Sally says, if she’s honest, she knew there were a few things that weren’t quite right in their relationship, even before they got married. There were little things – and probably a few big things – she overlooked, because there were so many things she did love about Ben. She wanted it to work.
“I loved him so much,” she says. “We didn’t fall in love straight away. It wasn’t a love at first sight thing. It was a slow burn and after about four months, we were really in love.”
They had a few things they had quite different opinions on. “I remember the first really big argument we had while we were dating was over politics,” she says. “We’d been together for six months and things started ramping up for an election. Let’s just say, we had very different political leanings, which we hadn’t really realised until then and we were both quite shocked and annoyed by the other. Over time, it became less and less important, but in hindsight, that first row was very telling.”
There were a few rather decent arguments between them over the years, but again, there was so much they loved about each other, they figured that was the most important thing. They both wanted to eventually get married, and have children – which is exactly what they did.
After a few years together they got engaged, bought a house and then saved for a wedding, several years later. On the day of their first wedding anniversary Sally took a pregnancy test – it was positive.
And yes – from there, she says, the differences between them became more apparent as parenting took its toll on their relationship.
But, winding back the clock again, Sally says she’s been thinking back to their wedding day a lot – and now, she says there were signs back then that this marriage was heading for disaster.Sally says there were three main things that now stand out to her, that acted as a sign of what was to come.
The first – and biggest, she says – was something her father said.
“We got married in a church, and after we arrived and the bridesmaids went up to the front, it was just Dad and I,” she says.
That’s when her father very quietly and calmly said something quite surprising to her.
“Dad said, ‘Are you sure this is what you want, Sal? It’s not too late, if you’re not sure, I can walk out of here with you’” says Sally. “He wasn’t saying it jokingly, it was serious and it surprised me. I never asked him about it though, at the time I thought it was just a kind fatherly gesture.”
Sadly, Sally’s father passed away shortly after she gave birth to his first grandchild.
“I wish I’d asked him why he asked me that, but I of course suspect he knew that he wasn’t the right man for me,” she says. “I think guys see or understand things about other men that we just don’t see as women.”
The second red flag Sally says was there on her wedding day was the speeches.
“The speeches on Ben’s side were all about his friendship with the groomsmen and their friend group,” she says. “I was like a footnote in them. It was all about the things they’d done together, they’re in jokes and how much they meant to each other. I was barely there. Even in Ben’s speech he was much more emotional talking about his friends than me.”
The final thing that now jumps out to Sally is how often people asked her, “where’s your husband?” or “where’s Ben?”.
“In hindsight, I barely saw Ben on our wedding day,” says Sally. “I think a lot of people say that so I didn’t think much of it, but looking back, it doesn’t seem right.”
Sally says the photographer was constantly asking her, “where’s ben?” because it was time to do family photos, cut the cake or another important moment in the schedule. It always took time to track Ben down, but he was always in the same company – his group of guy friends.
“I think a lot of people say how they barely saw their husbands on their wedding day,” says Sally. “But I imagine that’s because they have lots of people to say hi to, especially family and friends who have travelled far to be there. That wasn’t what Ben was doing, he was just drinking and partying with his friends.”
Sally says that back then, she was pretty happy with the wedding day and how it went. “You have that buzz around the day that makes you feel giddy,” she says. “I was pissed off about how much time he spent with his mates, and we had a little row about it, but it got glossed over. We had a day after the wedding and then we went on honeymoon for a week together, which we spent absolutely 24/7 together.”
Sally says the signs were there on her wedding day, and in the early days of their relationship, but she so much wanted things to work that she overlooked or underplayed them.
“There are some things you can overcome in a relationship and others you just can’t,” says Sally. “Big differences don’t go away. People do change, but not always in the way you expect them to. Just because they want to be a dad doesn’t mean that their behaviour will all of a sudden change once you get pregnant. That saying of when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them – that’s very true.”
