Danielle and her husband Paul went their separate ways, essentially because of a conversation about a hall pass. Paul had always been quite immature, says Danielle, but he shocked everyone when he brought up the topic of hall passes with a big group of friends and said who he’d like his to be…
Welcome to the Divorce Diaries. In our past instalments we’ve covered everything from when you’re most likely to divorce to whether they’re contagious to whether being on the contraceptive pill can effect your chances (?!) and have now spoken to dozens of women – including one whose husband announced he was leaving her to have an open relationship with a 19-year-old, another who was quite literally ghosted by her own husband and one who discovered the real reason her husband divorced her was because he had a baby with her SISTER.
If you have a topic you’d like to discuss, share your thoughts, experience or advice about, drop a line to alice@capsulenz.com.
It’s supposed to be a bit of harmless fun.
This wild idea that if – somehow – you found yourself in the presence of your celebrity crush that you’d be able to act on your attraction to them, without consequence in your relationship or marriage.
That yes, if you stumbled upon George Clooney on the sticky floors of Danny Doolans one Saturday night and he was immediately besotted with you, begging you to come spend the night on his lavish private superyacht, you could of course say yes without risking divorce.
Well, that’s what most people take a ‘hall pass’ to mean – unfortunately for Capsule reader Danielle, her husband seemed to have a bit of a different take on it. And ultimately, a conversation about a ‘hall pass’ ended up eroding their marriage.
It was three years into their marriage that the unravelling began. They’d been together four years previously, two of those engaged.
“Paul had brought up hall passes fairly early in our relationship, joking,” says Danielle. “We’d seen Simon Dallow out and he said that was his ex’s hall pass. The whole thing made me feel a bit uneasy – I guess firstly because I don’t really like discussing exes and secondly because hall passes make me uneasy. I don’t find joking about cheating particularly fun. I’m coming to this with baggage though because I was cheating on in the past and gaslit about it.”
Danielle says that Paul brought it up a few more times and she changed the subject, before finally telling him exactly how it made her feel – which he seemed to get the hint about, because it didn’t come up again… well, for quite a long time anyway.
Three years into the marriage they were away in Fiji for a wedding. They stayed on with a group of friends to make a week out of it.
They were all out for dinner, a fair few cocktails deep when for some odd reason Paul brought up the topic of hall passes. He went through the couples asking who their hall pass would be.
“I felt like I had to play along,” says Danielle. “So, of course, he got to me. I said Matt Damon. I said it because Paul kind of looks like Matt Damon. Years ago an ex was asked about who his celebrity crush was and he said Sandra Bullock because she looks so much like me. I thought it was the nicest way of answering a question about being attracted to someone else!”
That seemed to be the end of the conversation as the guys started talking about a man they went to school with who had a fling with a celebrity.
But then, one of the girls said, “Wait, Paul – who would your hall pass be?”
And that’s when things really went pear shaped.
“Paul said, ‘Hmm… probably Kate’,” says Danielle.
Her mind raced through all the possible Kate’s… Kate Bosworth? Kate Beckinsale? Kate Winslet? Cate Blanchett? None of them seemed quite Paul’s type.
One of the other women bet her to it and asked, “Kate who? Kate Winslet?”
Paul laughed and said, “Nah, Kate – Geoff’s wife.”
There was a stunned, awkward silence. Geoff was one of their good friends who Paul had gone to school with, alongside the other men at the table. He and his wife, Kate, had been at the wedding too, but had left the night before to get home to their kids.
“One of the guys laughed and said something like, ‘what the f*** is wrong with you, it’s not supposed to be someone you know!’” says Danielle.
Then one of the women backed him up, saying she was appalled.
“She said something like, ‘what, so you’re just saying you want to sleep with Kate and have a free pass? That’s sick!’” says Danielle.
Then, there were a few awkward laughs and everyone tried to move on.
Of course, it was fairly impossible from that point. Danielle soon excused herself to go back to the room – Paul said he’d finish his drink and be there soon. One of the other wives said she wanted to go back too and she’d go with Danielle.
“She wanted to check I was ok,” says Danielle. “Which, obviously I was not. I felt humiliated though so I was trying to brush it off while trying not to burst into tears.”
Then, around 20 minutes later Paul walked through the door, and Danielle just about exploded with rage.
“I was so angry at him, but he was just trying to laugh it off, saying it was just a bit of fun and no one else had a problem with it,” says Danielle. “I told him that EVERYONE had a problem with it but more importantly I have a problem with it and I’m the one that counts.”
The row went back and forth before they went to bed – still apparently quite livid at each other.
The next day Paul set off early to play golf with the guys. Danielle saw a couple of the wives at breakfast – who immediately gave her sympathetic looks.
“I hate that look,” says Danielle. “It’s very kind people care, but it felt like when I was cheated on and friends find out and give you that sad pitying look. They mean well, but it somehow makes you feel worse.”
From there, things just felt more and more awkward, says Danielle.
“Of course it became something people talked about,” she says. “I don’t blame people at all. If I was out to dinner and a married guy said he wanted his hall pass to be the wife of one of his best mates… I’d definitely be telling people about it.”
Word quickly got back to Kate and Geoff – and neither of them were too happy about it.
“There was a very awkward night where everyone was together and, I think, trying to pretend it didn’t happen,” says Danielle. “Paul was quite drunk and, in my opinion, seemed to be trying to be flirty with Kate. When it [the hall pass incident] came up he talked about what a joke the whole thing had been ‘but who could blame him being around Kate!’ She was obviously really uncomfortable. I was furious. Geoff was too – he came up and shoved Paul and they got in a bit of a scuffle,”
Danielle says that was the final straw.
“How humiliating,” she says. “Having your husband in a fight with one of his friends because he said – maybe as a joke, but who knows – that he wanted to sleep with his wife. I was done. Paul’s immaturity had irked me for some time, but I thought by the time he reached 30 he’d start acting like an adult. I could see that Paul was never going to grow up.”
It’s been six years since she and Paul split, and Danielle says that while the first year was horrendous, she has no regrets in going through with the divorce.
“Divorce is horrible, but a lifetime with a man who refuses to grow up would be far, far worse,” she says.
Danielle recently welcomed her first child with her second husband.
“Paul is so predictable,” she says. “I haven’t seen him in years, but a mutual friend said he has a girlfriend – she’s 10 years younger, of course. I’m glad I got out when I did.”
