The Divorce Diaries: 8 Ways to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage During Dec & Jan (aka Splitting Season)

While the first month of the new year can feel like it’s brimming with hope and possibilities, family lawyers have a different way of referring to it: Divorce Month.

Yip, as we discovered last year, January is the month when most couples file for divorce, meaning you’ll be hard pressed to find a Divorce Coach relaxing at the beach – they’re all in the office, where their phones are ringing off the hook.

And, if we thought last year was bad, this year could be even worse, according to Bridgette Jackson, the Divorce Coach behind Equal Exes.

“Divorces in the USA are approaching 67%,” she tells. “New Zealand will ride the wave of this over the next two years. So much so, we are now seeing separations in New Zealand at a ‘pandemic epidemic’ level. From my point of view, I estimate it to be at the 60% mark, especially with New Zealand on the cusp of a recession.”

So, just why is January divorce month and why are numbers skyrocketing? And what can we do to divorce-proof our marriages – if that’s possible? Bridgette is here to talk us through it, and provide some tips for getting through divorce month!

Divorce Season – and a Sobering Prediction For the Year Ahead

“Let’s just get through Christmas,” is a line a lot of people say, in a bid to stay sane and get through the working year, the stress of navigating difficult family dynamics at Christmas, and weathering the financial burden of the festive season. But a lot of couples also try to just get through Christmas, knowing their relationship is on its last legs, in a bid to make it less stressful for the kids – and potentially less scarring than having the announcement of a divorce and the arrival of Santa Claus all mixed together.

It’s something Christchurch mum Rachel – who split from her husband early this year – knows only too well.

“My dad walked out on my mum and us when I was eight years old, exactly one month before Christmas,” she tells. “The divorce was hard, but the timing was worse. I remember so clearly people at school gossiping about it, asking what was going to happen at Christmas, and poor Mum trying to solider on. It gave me anxiety every time I saw a Christmas tree for years later – sometimes even to this day.”

So when she knew her marriage was over, she and her husband discussed when to – and when not to do it.

“We ended up letting the girls know on January 15. It felt far away from Christmas that it wouldn’t be associated with that,” she says. “It also gave them some happy summer weeks, but also some time to get their heads around it before school started again.”

Bridgette says that while some people plan for their January split, for others, it comes after a stressful Christmas, and indeed, a stressful few years.

Many Kiwis have been through the wringer, with their relationships taking the impact of lockdowns, prolonged physical distancing, health issues, home-schooling, lack of personal space. She’s seen these factors also cascade into other issues.

“Job uncertainty and financial stress has led to increased arguments and fighting between couples and, unfortunately, increased domestic violence. We’ve also seen a marked increase in substance abuse from drugs, alcohol and pornography. These unhealthy behaviours exacerbate relationship issues, placing even more strain on them.”

Many couples might be holding onto some baggage from the events of the last few years, and all it takes is a bit more stress – say, the stress that comes hand-in-hand with Christmas – to bring some of those feelings to light.

“Yip, unresolved conflict in relationships that have been hidden or buried often come to the surface over holiday periods, further stirring up relationship issues,” says Bridgette. “This creates emotional and physical distance, with couples becoming disconnected, even while being together. Spending the Christmas holiday at home can become too much for some couples! People may have been putting on a front for the relationship, however over the holiday season those niggly behaviours and issues become a stress test”

“People may come to the realisation that after spending Christmas holidays together, and the previous multiple lockdowns tied together for weeks on end, that enough is enough.  They may no longer be happy to put up with niggly behaviours, financial stress and disconnected relationships.  Life is too short to be unhappy and the New Year offers a new start.”

Bridgette says the financial stress that is really starting to be felt by Kiwi families is only further exacerbating relationship issues, and the bad news is, with a recession on the horizon, this is only going to continue to deteriorate.  

“Collectively, we need to brace ourselves for a turbulent two years – this is going to impact everyone financially, emotionally, mentally and physically,” she warns. “What we could see is the ‘splitting season’ extend further into the year.”

“I do predict that we will see more couples choosing to continue to live together, even though they have separated. We are already seeing instances of couples who cannot afford to run two households, for many reasons including the high cost of housing and increasing inflation.  This in itself will create a whole new set of challenges for couples and children and can only last for so long.  There are many implications here that could include an increase in familial domestic violence, including the impact on children and escalated conflict if a third party enters the picture.”

Ok, so, it’s not a particularly pretty picture, but is there anything we can do to lessen our chances of being one of those couples who is calling Bridgette for help in January?