In NZ, and around the world, we’re seeing a sharp increase in the ‘silver divorce’. The number of women in their 50s, 60s and beyond is on the rise. More than 70% of divorces are initiated by women, and it seems those in the older age brackets are getting fed up with dissatisfying marriages. So, what’s behind it?
Welcome to the Divorce Diaries. In our past instalments over the last year we’ve covered everything from when you’re most likely to divorce to whether they’re contagious to whether being on the contraceptive pill can effect your chances! and have now spoken to dozens of women – including one whose husband announced he was leaving her to have an open relationship with a 19-year-old, another who was quite literally ghosted by her own husband and one who discovered the real reason her husband divorced her was because he had a baby with her SISTER.
If you have a topic you’d like to discuss, share your thoughts, experience or advice about, drop a line to alice@capsulenz.com.
In two years’ time, Marie will turn 65. Three years ago, when she blew out the candles on her 60th birthday cake, she was already thinking ahead to her next milestone with high hopes.
“My thoughts were, ‘this will be the last milestone birthday I have whilst I still have to work,’” she says. “I imagined handing in my notice at 65, taking a long holiday with my husband, and easing into retirement. Maybe I’d pick up some new hobbies.”
But instead, this year, Marie has extended the hours she works, has picked up some extra work she does in the evenings, and is hoping she may be able to hold onto her job until she is 70, or beyond.
Why? Because at the end of last year, Marie decided to leave her husband of 30 years – drastically changing her life, and the state of her finances.
“I spoke with several friends – and a therapist – before leaving my husband,” she says. “In the end, it happened swiftly. A dear friend was the one who framed it like this: You are only in your early 60s. You could easily live another 20 years. You may even have 30 or 40 years left – that’s a long time to spend in a relationship that no longer brings you joy. It’s not too late to leave an unhappy marriage.”
Framing it in those terms, Marie felt that it was the only decision she could make. She and her husband had been growing apart for years – decades even. They weren’t the same people they were when they met at 24 and married at 28. “We no longer had anything in common besides our children, and our youngest had moved out of home,” she says. “He never wants to do anything – he had no desire to do any travel when we retired. He doesn’t even like to go to the movies. All the activities I do outside of work are with my girlfriends.”
Marie says she’s lucky that her husband has had a good career and good savings, which have been evenly split among the pair. She works, but doesn’t have an earning capacity anything like her husband, after spending years at home with their children. “I could probably work another 10 years and save as much for retirement as he would likely only have to work a year to save,” she says.
“But I know I’m lucky, because I have a job,” she says. “I know other women my age, in my situation who don’t know how to leave their unhappy marriages because they simply couldn’t afford it at this stage in life. It’s terrible.”
Divorce coach Bridgette Jackson of Equal Exes says she has seen a steep increase in the number of clients coming to her – particularly in the older age brackets.
“In 2021, Equal Exes saw a sharp increase in enquiries from clients wanting to engage us, to help them separate and then again in 2022,” she says. “In 2024, this is still the case, but the client demographic is changing. We are now seeing a much higher proportion of enquiry from clients in the ‘silver separation’ age range.”
Bridgette says ‘silver separation’ is the term used for those who married young, have been in long marriages, but now want out.
And, she says, the catalyst for leaving their marriages now, are often very similar to Marie’s outlook.
“Of the people we have seen recently, some are around 65 years old and have looked at their life and thought ‘I might have 20 summers left. I don’t know if I want this for the remaining years,” she says.
“People are now living longer and expecting to live longer. With that, they are not prepared to spend the next 20 – 40 years with someone they are maybe no longer attracted to, or annoys them, or they find hard to tolerate, are other reasons. This goes against what their parents and grandparents will have done, and now with people generally more healthy and mobile, they are not willing to ‘grin and bear it’ or ‘put up with their partner’ as their parents did.”
It’s a phenomenon that is being seen around the world, with separations among those 50+ sharply increasing globally. In the States the divorce rate has doubled since 1990 for American’s over 55. For couples over 65, the rate has roughly tripled with one in 10 people getting divorced [Pew Research]. In Australia, divorce rates have actually been falling since the 1990s, but the over 50s age group is bucking that trend. And here in New Zealand, the median age for people getting divorced or ending their civil union has been rising over time.
But, one of the biggest issues that comes with divorcing later in life is the financial ramifications that come with it – nearly always coming at a disadvantage to women.
“Women are more likely to initiate a silver separation and financially they tend to fare worse, as they are more likely to take custody of the children, along with the day to day costs,” says Bridgette. “Women 50+ also tend to have less experience than their partners, which means they lack the skills base for future earnings.”
Even more shocking, is the statistic that one in five women will fall into poverty following separation or divorce.
“In most instances this is because the woman cares for the children and has more day to day expenses associated with that and is not able to work the same number of hours etc.” says Bridgette. “ This can also be the case for women who separate/divorce when they are older. Many have not worked or worked full time in a career, therefore their ability to earn enough on their own is limited.”
Women in this age group are also more likely to be unaware of their financial situation, as they may have fallen into more traditional roles where the husband oversees finances.
“75% of the women I see in my business will have no clarity on their finances or their partner’s finances. Some don’t even know what their mortgage is,” says Bridgette.
“In many cases, the woman’s role is to run the family home and she is provided with a credit card or an allowance. Over time, there is a natural progression of disconnect leading to little understanding of, or control over the couple’s finances. Often, she will not know or will have lost touch with what her spouse earns and key expenses for the home, such as debt, mortgage or insurance, sometimes without not even realising the slide. This is often coupled with minimal or no knowledge of their investments or retirement savings.”
Marie, who separated from her husband before Christmas last year, says she has no regrets over stepping back from her career when she had children. “It has certainly had a negative effect on my finances,” she says, “but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I spent years at home and then only worked part-time so that I could raise my children. I look back on that time with great fondness. It was very difficult at times, but it’s a time I’ll never regret. If I have to work a good few years more now to make up for it, then so be it. My dream is still to retire one day and go on a holiday – now it will just be a bit shorter, a bit less flashy, and I’ll be sharing a room with my best girlfriends. In some ways, I imagine it will be even better than what I had pictured all those years ago.”
Are you considering a separation but are concerned about your financial status? Keep an eye out for an upcoming divorce diary detailing how to get your finances in line.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Email alice@capsulenz.com with your thoughts
