Many couples are happy with the same amount of alone time, but for others, there’s a mismatch. What does it mean for the future if you need more alone time in your relationship – and how can you ask for it? We talk to people on both sides of the equation.
Welcome to our series, The Love Diaries – a space for you to share your experiences, advice, fairy-tale endings, setbacks and heartbreaks. We’ll be hearing from industry experts giving practical advice alongside Capsule readers (You!) sharing your firsthand experiences with love – from the woman who cheated on her husband with a work colleague, one woman’s temptation now the love of her life is finally single (although she’s not), and the woman who forced her husband to choose between her and his girlfriend.
“I’m currently craving alone time,” Rebecca* says.
“I’ve literally pencilled a no-work recovery day into my diary for this week when school is finally back and my husband is away on a work trip, so I can hide under the covers and enjoy the feeling of no one trying to talk to me.”
She and her husband both work from home. “While parts of that are lovely, I’ve really had to work hard to carve out time for myself because I’m horrible when I don’t get it. I’m a huge introvert and I need a lot of recharge time, whereas he’s a total extrovert and gets energised and engaged by being around people.”
“He’d be really happy if we did absolutely everything together and, for instance, he gets really mopey and sad when I’m going to be away from home for a few days. Whereas I feel like it’s an absolute treat when he goes away for work and I get time to myself.”
In a previous job, her husband took a lot of international trips, but now he hardly takes any. “So we’ve had a big adjustment.”
“We’ve both had to compromise, and now the balance is usually okay for us both, but there are still times – like now – when I know I’m really, really in need of some quiet time.”
Has her husband ever been upset or offended about her wanting more alone time? “Definitely in the earlier days. Less often now, although still occasionally.”
Rebecca points out that the alone time she craves is no reflection on their marriage.
“I quite often try to frame it as ‘I’ll be much better and nicer for doing X together later if I get the time to myself now to recharge’.”
“I also remind him that he plays golf twice a week – so he has ‘structured’ alone time with a clear focus, whereas my preference is structured alone time to just ‘be’.”
“I love him with all my heart and feel incredibly lucky to be with him, but I do also spend a lot of time fantasising about my alt[ernative] life as a single woman in a quiet cottage!”
Quality Time VS Quantity Time
Jenny* also needs alone time without her partner. “I’ve gradually got him to understand that I sometimes need to shut myself away for stretches of time, and not be disturbed, but it took him a while [to accept that]. His last partner was much less of an alone-time person, so he found it hard to understand at first – and he found it hard to not take it personally.”
“I still wish I had the house completely to myself more often, and I’ve been pondering going on a retreat. I do think he’d like us to spend a bit more time together, so we still have some figuring-out to do.”
“I sort of hate the concept of quality time, because it’s having to compartmentalise and schedule time with loved ones rather than it being a more natural, entwined part of life. But I still think it could be useful for us.”
The Extrovert Vs Introvert Challenge
Renee* is an extrovert and her husband is the introvert. “This made for an interesting few years when he would teach all day, then want to hide in his office, and I’d barely get a conversation out of him. Whereas I’d been home alone all day and really needed someone to talk to.”
“Once we figured out what was happening, we found a way around it – with me joining a sports team. He’d now get time in the weekend to do what he wanted.”
Renee doesn’t work from home anymore. “I’m excited about talking to people all day.”
They also value having their own home offices.
What If Your Partner Needs More Alone Time Than You?
Jenny* is “an extreme extrovert married to an extreme introvert”. His need for alone time doesn’t bother her. “I realised early on that we’re both nicer, happier people if we each have the space and opportunity to get what we need. He goes for long walks or day trips on his own. I have a full calendar of social activities.”
“When we were able to afford a non-shoebox house that definitely helped too! Now he can have alone time at home, and I can invite people over without him having to be involved, rather than us having to leave the house to get what we need.”
Can Alone Time Be A Deal Breaker?
For Danielle*, alone time was a problem in her last relationship. “My ex had a chip on his shoulder about me wanting more alone time than he did, even though I explained that I need time to retreat from the world. He said I wasn’t prioritising the relationship.”
Danielle relinquished much of her alone time, but it left her feeling drained. “We couldn’t agree on the right balance. It was one of various issues that boiled over, and we broke up.”
How Much Alone Time In A Relationship Is Enough?
Clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo, author of The Good Partner, tells me “it’s extremely common for partners to have different needs when it comes to socialising and alone time. The key is to understand and respect your differences while being open to compromise.”
For instance, she says, “if one partner loves to party and the other has social anxiety or just refuses to go out, you’ll have a problem. Successful relationships always take some meeting in the middle.”
A story for Bustle – called ‘How Much Alone Time Is Too Much?’ – lists scenarios when wanting more alone time is totally fine.
“Alone time is healthy, particularly in relationships,” Joanna Townsend, a life coach and psychotherapist, tells Bustle. “It’s imperative for recharging, re-centering, connecting with oneself, and being able to show up to the relationship fully.”
Tips On Asking For Alone Time
Here are some tips for broaching the subject
- Be careful about the words you use – for instance, saying ‘I need alone time to be the best version of me’ is better than saying the dreaded words ‘I need space’
- Think carefully about how to best explain your position – for instance, explaining that, as you’re an introvert, alone time recharges you
- Prepare for your partner to potentially be upset or confused
- Tell your partner that you needing alone time isn’t a reflection on the strength of the relationship
- Explain that quality of time can be more important than quantity of time. Perhaps you decide to down devices on certain evenings and engage in a joint activity: boardgame night, anyone?
- If you both work from home, try to set up separate workspaces and ask not to be disturbed between certain times, or leave your door ajar if you’re open to interruptions
- Come to an arrangement that both partners think is fair and workable; if necessary, seek therapy to do so
Like so many other things in relationships, it’s about compromise.
