Say you found out that your boyfriend’s female friend is in love with them… and they’d told your boyfriend this, in the home you share with him, while you were out. How would you feel? Capsule reader Emma isn’t feeling great about it, and she’d like some advice!
Welcome to our series, The Love Diaries – a space for you to share your experiences, advice, fairy-tale endings, setbacks and heartbreaks. We’ll be hearing from industry experts giving practical advice alongside Capsule readers (You!) sharing your firsthand experiences with love – from the woman who cheated on her husband with a work colleague, one woman’s temptation now the love of her life is finally single (although she’s not), and the woman who forced her husband to choose between her and his girlfriend.
When Emma first learned that Tim’s best friend was a female, she didn’t think much of it, other than thinking it was actually pretty cool.
The pair had just started dating, and in hearing who is best friend was, she thought that must be a good endorsement. “Surely a woman being best friends with a man must mean he’s nice and a good listener?” she says. “It seemed like he must be a good guy!”
As their relationship progressed, Emma met Tim’s best friend, Lisa, along with her boyfriend. The four of them had dinner, and Emma felt more at ease than ever – and, was realizing how strong her feelings for Tim were.
“Over the couple of months of dating him, the more I was liking him, the more I was getting some little nervous feelings,” she says. “Like, what if Lisa doesn’t like me? What if she has secret feelings for Tim?”
Thankfully, the dinner set her at ease.
Later that weekend, after exchanging ‘I love yous’ with Tim, they talked about Lisa and her boyfriend and she asked Tim more about how they knew each other.
Tim told her how he and Lisa had been set up on a date at high school by some friends – they lived in neighbouring suburbs and went to different schools. They’d gone on a few dates – “just high school stuff” Tim said – and then realised they were better of as friends. They were right, because they’ve been very close friends for nearly 15 years.
“I felt a bit weird at first when he said they’d dated,” says Emma. “But then when he said it was high school, I didn’t feel so jealous or weird. That was a long time ago. And Tim had been in a long-term relationship for most of his twenties, and Lisa had boyfriends. It was like, surely something would have happened by now if it was going to happen between them?”
Emma felt pretty confident, but, while she hated to admit it, sometimes her mind did wander and worry.
“It was just little things every now and then, like, Lisa always had good make-up on, so I found myself making more of an effort,” she says.
Things were going great with Tim. They moved in together, took holidays and really started talking about a future together.
Then, two years into their relationship, Lisa called Tim late at night on a weeknight when they’d just got into bed. He got off the phone and told Emma that Lisa was on her way over – she and her boyfriend had broken up because she’d found out he’d been cheating.
“I felt so bad for her,” says Emma. “She’d never stayed at our house before, but of course we said she could stay with us. We had a fold out couch we’d never used before so she slept on that.”
A week later, Lisa was still with them, working out her next move. “I’ve been cheated on, so I know the feeling,” says Emma. “I wanted to be as kind to her as possible. If I’m totally honest, I didn’t enjoy coming home from work and finding my boyfriend hugging another woman, or sitting on the couch with an arm around her every night, but I got that he saw her as a sister.”
A month later though, Emma was feeling keen to have their little flat back to being just theirs.
“It’s a one-and-a-half bedroom place – there’s a tiny second room we use as an office,” says Emma. “It was feeling pretty crowded.”
Plus, Emma was starting to worry about how much Lisa was leaning on Tim. “It felt like he was her boyfriend,” she says. “She was asking his opinion on everything, getting his help, going to him for hugs.”
Tim listened to her and said he totally understood. He said he felt bad for Lisa and would feel bad asking her to leave, but he missed having the house to themselves too. He said he’d talk to her about when she might be able to move out while Emma was out with friends the next night.
When Emma got home it wasn’t particularly late, but Lisa and Tim were already asleep. As Emma tiptoed around the bedroom getting ready for bed, Tim woke up a bit and so Emma asked how the talk had gone. He said it was pretty ok.
She got up the next morning, had a quick, pleasant chat to Lisa, said she hoped she had a good day and headed to work.
When she got home from work, Lisa was gone – there wasn’t a trace left of her in the house.
“I text Tim and he said she’d said she was leaving and he’d chat to me when he got home,” Emma says.
But, when he got home, he had a piece of information to tell Emma.
The night before, Lisa had told him that she was in love with him.
“Tim said he told her straight away that he did not have romantic feelings for her and loved her as a friend only and was in a serious relationship with me,” says Emma. “He said she was probably confused because of the living situation and her feelings after the break-up”.
Emma felt sick.
“I was so angry that she did that to me,” she says. “And I was angry at Tim that he hadn’t told me that night. I had been so kind to her the next day!”
Tim told her that he’d shut the whole thing down and said she could stay the night, but no longer, and he didn’t want to make a big scene that night.
“And then he didn’t want to tell me over the phone,” she says. “I got where he was coming from, but I felt so angry… and a little concerned, but Tim kept repeating to me that he loved me and was not interested in Lisa, he only saw her as a sister.”
Emma felt a bit sorry for Tim, thinking about how this meant he had lost his best friend.
But in the following week, she felt upset when he told her that they’d been exchanging texts and she’d apologized – she didn’t know what came over her, that she was obviously just confusing his generosity. Tim wanted to keep the friendship, but would keep Lisa at arm’s distance, no hugging, no being alone with her.
“It didn’t sit right with me,” says Emma. “But it was his best friend, so I tried to be as supportive as I could, while telling him I felt uncomfortable.”
It’s now three months since the incident, and Emma doesn’t feel great about where things are at.
“I don’t know if I’m making a big deal, but in my heart I don’t feel right about it,” says Emma. “Lisa has never apologized to me. She’s never brought it up with me. I called her once to confront her about it, but she didn’t answer so I sent her a text message saying I wanted to talk to her about what happened with Tim. I said I was hurt that she would do that to me in my own home and that if Tim wanted to continue their friendship I would be supportive but I needed an apology from her and for her to respect our relationship.”
Emma only got a text back saying “it won’t happen again.”
Now, she says she feels on edge. She feels herself watching Tim in any interaction with Lisa – sometimes she can see Lisa looking at him differently.
“I 100% think she is still very much in love with him, and I’m worried what she might do next,” she says. “I’ve told Tim and he reassured me. I just don’t know if my gut feeling is enough to make him end his friendship with her. I don’t know if I should give him an ultimatum of her or me – that doesn’t feel fair. I can’t help but think that’s what Lisa wants? What if she turned that round on me and he DID choose her?!? Maybe I’m being the crazy one though, I can’t tell anymore! Help!”
Emma feels like she’s tying herself in knots, so would like the Capsule community to give her some advice. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Does anyone have words of advice for her? What would you do if you were in her shoes? Send your thoughts/advice/stories to alice@capsulenz.com. (Emma says thank you in advance!!)
