Do you ever find it hard to broach, or perpetually put off, certain necessary but difficult conversations with your partner? Here’s your psychologist-crafted toolkit for getting the conversation started.
Welcome to our series, The Love Diaries – a space for you to share your experiences, advice, fairy-tale endings, setbacks and heartbreaks. We’ll be hearing from industry experts giving practical advice alongside Capsule readers (You!) sharing your firsthand experiences with love – from the woman who cheated on her husband with a work colleague, one woman’s temptation now the love of her life is finally single (although she’s not), and the woman who forced her husband to choose between her and his girlfriend.
Do you ever struggle to have certain conversations with your partner? Perhaps you avoid delicate or potentially overwhelming conversations entirely – or you perpetually put them off, waiting for the right time (and the right time never comes). Perhaps you feel you can’t broach certain topics without offending your partner, or you worry that their potential response will offend you. Perhaps one or both of you gets defensive or prickly, thinking they’re just being criticised. Perhaps you’re worried that if your partner responds in a certain way, you’ll feel emotions like shame or guilt. Perhaps you even worry that these conversations could damage or even end the relationship. When, actually, not talking about difficult conversations is far more likely to damage the relationship.
“Most couples don’t fall apart because of ‘big issues’,” Dr Nicole Pray says. “They struggle because they lack a safe way to talk about the everyday moments that hurt, disappoint, or trigger distance.” The Wanaka-based clinical psychologist and couples therapist runs the Getting the Love You Want Imago Couples Workshops around the country, over a weekend.
These workshops are based on Imago Relationship Therapy, developed by psychotherapist Harville Hendrix and his wife Helen La Kelly Hunt. Hendrix wrote the book Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, explaining Imago Relationship Therapy in full. In short, it helps partners discover ways to stop blaming, criticising, and negatively reacting to each other – and instead become more understanding and empathetic.
How does it work?
Imago Relationship Therapy uses the structured communication technique Imago Dialogue, ideally facilitated by a trained Imago therapist, at least at first.
Both people agree to a basic ground rule: for only one person to talk at a time without interruption. There is a “sender” and a “receiver”. The sender shares their thoughts and feelings about something: perhaps finances, sex, physical or mental health, career issues, changing bodies, household responsibilities, or parenting. The “receiver” practices the following three steps: mirroring, validating and empathising. Butting in to rebut things isn’t allowed!
In a simple example, someone might start by saying, “I feel like I’m doing all the housework”. The other partner would then mirror: “You feel like you’re doing all the housework”. Then validate: “I can see why you’d feel that way since I can see you’ve been doing a lot of housework lately”. Then empathise: “It must be frustrating to feel like you’re carrying the load alone”. When the sender stops talking, the receiver might ask if there’s anything more they want to say. Only then does the “receiver” begin talking.
Who might it help? As a Psychology Today story says, “couples dealing with communication struggles, consistent conflict, intimacy challenges, and trust issues may want to work with an Imago therapist, but couples that are not in crisis may also benefit from the approach, learning how to manage conflict and enhance their dynamic”. The approach also helps people recognise how childhood experiences have affected how they relate and behave within romantic relationships (though it doesn’t dwell on unpacking childhood issues at length).
The idea is that you go on to embed the practice in your day-to-day life.
What to say
If you just need a place to start – and sometimes just starting is the hardest part – Dr Pray is sharing with Capsule five scripts for difficult conversations that bring you closer instead of pushing you apart, grounded in Imago principles. You could use the exact words or adapt them to your voice.
Here’s the first one: ‘When You’re Feeling Hurt (Without Blame)’.
Instead of “you never listen, you don’t care about my feelings,” you could say “when that happened earlier I felt hurt and quite alone. I know that may not have been your intention. Could we check in in a few minutes so I can feel more connected to you?”
Why does it work? “It shares impact, not accusation,” Nicole says, “inviting closeness rather than defensiveness”.
Script 2 is ‘When You Need Something to Change’.
Instead of: “Can you stop doing that? I’ve told you so many times!” you could try this: “Something keeps coming up for me, and I’d love your help with it. When ____ happens, I feel ____. A small change that would really support me is ____. Would you be open to trying that with me?”
Why might it work? “It’s specific, soft, and collaborative,” Nicole says. “Partners lean in instead of shutting down.”
Script 3 is ‘When You’re Feeling Overwhelmed and Need Space’.
Instead of: “I can’t deal with you right now,” you could try this: “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed and I want to respond well. I need a short break so I can come back grounded. Can we reconnect in 20 minutes?”
Why does it work? “It preserves the connection,” Nicole says, “and guarantees return – preventing abandonment or escalation”.
Script 4 is ‘When You Want to Apologise Meaningfully’.
Instead of: “Fine, I said sorry. Can we move on?”, you could try: “I’ve been thinking about what happened, and I see how my reaction impacted you. I’m sorry for that. I really care about our connection, and I want to understand more – what was the hardest part for you?”
Why does it work? “It combines empathy plus responsibility plus curiosity,” Nicole says.
The final script is for ‘When You Want More Emotional or Physical Intimacy’.
Instead of: “You never want to connect anymore,” you could try this: “I’ve been missing feeling close to you – emotionally and physically. When we’re connected, it means a lot to me. Could we plan some time together this week just for us? What would feel good for you?”
Why does it work? “It expresses longing, not criticism,” Nicole says, “opening the door to closeness”.
And how you say it matters. Here are Nicole’s pointers:
- Speak slowly – scripts lose power if rushed.
- Keep your tone soft – your tone carries more weight than the words.
- Use curiosity over certainty – “help me understand…”
- Never script your partner – use these for your side only.
- Return to connection – end with: “Thankyou for staying with me. I care about us.”
Yep, it might feel strange at first, but it could also influence your relationship for the better.
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