Greta Booth, the American author of a how-to guide about thriving as a single woman who is not searching for a man, talks to us about everything from the shrinking social stigma of being single, weeding out the Mr Wrongs, and deleting dating apps through to deciding whether to have kids (single childless women are the happiest cohort)
The quippy, chill-sounding American woman I’m talking to over Zoom – with the video off – knows that I know that Greta Booth isn’t her real name. The 41-year-old adopted the pseudonym to publish her very personal, slim, insightful book A Singular Life: Secrets To Living Well With Or Without A Traditional Partner.
Greta, who has only told family members about the book, has a pseudonym largely because she doesn’t want people realising they’re ‘in’ her book – including friends, and less-than-stellar exes. “I have changed the names of all parties involved,” she says, “as well as details that may identify them, in order to protect their privacy – as well as myself from their wrath.”
Greta emailed Capsule after reading our Decentring Men stories. That’s when women no longer give men a central place in their lives. “I’ve seen a lot of talk on social media around decentring men, and about not being ashamed to be single anymore, which is huge progress and such a relief. But I wanted to take it a step further. I want this book to be a how-to guide to thriving as a single woman.”
But, as Greta says, it’s also for others: perhaps people who are in a relationship but are ‘single curious’, perhaps people contemplating leaving a relationship. Or anyone, really – straight men might glean some wisdom too!
Greta hasn’t seen any other books like hers out there. “There’s a great book, Sex and the Single Girl, written in the 60s. It’s retro, funny, and I loved it. But it’s about being a fabulous single woman who also attracts a guy. Many books are geared towards single women to try to ‘help them’ to no longer be single. But my book’s not about trying to attract a guy. It’s also not about ‘taking yourself out on a date’.” (Not that she has a problem with that!)
Is she worried some people might misunderstand the book, at first glance? “A little bit. These types of books do tend to be lumped together or generically labelled – like self-help or chick-lit – but I’m hoping people take note of the subtitle.”
“The goal of this book is to help women build rich, fulfilling lives with or without a partner, and to be able to walk away and take care of themselves should a relationship ultimately sour.” She adds: “it’s also about how to pick yourself up after a bad one, or after a period of being unhappily single”.
“And it’s about taking concrete steps towards making your life better than it was before – without having it centre around someone else, as a growing chorus of single woman are saying on social media.”
Dating (is) history
“I’m not an official “dating expert” by any means,” Greta says, “but is anyone, really? However, I’m a 41-year-old woman who has spent the past 25 years dating, in relationships, breaking up, scrolling on dating apps, and being single”.
How long has she been single? “It’s fun doing the math! My longest relationship was one-and-a-half years with Adam. There was a two-year situationship with Dave. Four relationships maxed out at about six months because, as I’ve gotten older, I can tell by then if I want to keep going. And I’ve had some three-month relationships. All in all, I’ve spent about five years in relationships, and 15 years single, actively looking and dating – which makes me want to pull my hair out. For the past five years I’ve been single and not looking. But I’ve still had a few dates or flirtations here and there.”
Greta says she felt “so much pressure from the world to get married, or to at least be in a relationship”. She then “experienced the revelation that I have been happiest and most myself when I am single and not looking. That revelation first hit when I finally found success as a consultant, and I wanted to enjoy that without going through the slog of dating. After a while, I went back to dating because I felt I was expected to.” Slim pickings. “During Covid I had an excuse to not date and after Covid, I realised how much happier I am when not trying to date. I finally thought ‘who cares?’ and stopped. The apps weren’t fun for me.”
Some women who contemplate deleting dating apps say things like ‘what if the right man slips through my fingers’, right? Greta gets that. “But for thousands of years before apps, people managed to meet other people. I go to business, networking, and community events. There are eligible guys there. I’ve also met guys while travelling and through mutual friends.”
Greta would only enter a relationship with someone who adds a lot of value to her life, and ticks off lots of specific boxes. “I’ve been burned in the past by going off solely off a feeling – for instance with Steve. But I also don’t want to be with a guy just because he ticks off all the boxes, like Adam. So it would have to be someone I had feelings for, but who also ticked off the most important boxes of kindness, honesty and a sense of humour.”
It’s important to weed out the Mr Wrongs. With hindsight, Greta sees that Dave used psychological aggression and manipulation tactics. He’d also go MIA for weeks (citing a childhood trauma as the reason). “I can’t believe I put up with it for as long as I did.”
She also dated douchebags, like Eric. “He wanted two conflicting things: a woman who would eat whatever he wanted her to eat, and a woman with a hot, lithe body.”
Then there was Brad, who insisted he paid for meals out – even though Greta offered (despite her earning very little). When Greta suggested a restaurant, Brad said the person who pays should be the person to choose. They resolved the argument, but Greta then saw he’d reactivated his dating profile. They hadn’t had the monogamy conversation, but still. If you’re looking for a boyfriend or husband Greta recommends not having sex until you’re monogamous – and says, if you tell men that, that filters out the jerks.
Greta also recommends you do your homework online before going on a date with a man. “If you can get his Instagram handle or a full name, you can find out a lot.” Yet, after she said no to another date with a professor, she strongly suspects he smashed the windscreen of her parents’ car. “Doing your homework online isn’t a golden ticket, but hopefully you can weed out bad apples that way. But also don’t get in a car with them on the first date.” Her friend saw a photo of a guy being arrested. “She said ‘oh my God, I went on a date with him’. He was a serial killer. She didn’t sense he was bad news, but just didn’t like him.”
Stigma & scare tactics
Being single is great in many ways, Greta says. For starters, freedom to do, eat, watch whatever you want. “Being single means you’re not wasting time in an unfulfilling or non-reciprocal intimate relationship, a relationship you may have ended up in because you feared being alone or wanted to prove to society that you’re worthy of ‘being picked’.”
“Over the years, we as a society have become a bit more evolved and it’s no longer as shocking to stay single into your 30s and beyond.” Partly thanks to great social-media creators. “But we’re still in a society where some loud voices try to shame ‘single cat ladies’ or women who have chosen to be single. Single men have, of course, not faced nearly the same level of public derision or judgement, if at all.” Why? “I mean, I have theories. I think some men shame single women, or try to stigmatise staying single, so women will settle for less and accept bad behaviour to avoid being labelled as a loser.”
Greta writes about the ‘marriage scare tactics’ wielded by married people. Do you want to die alone? Do you want to spend the holidays alone? Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life? Actually, Greta says, with a widening ‘death gap’ between genders (of six years), it’s likely your husband will dies first. “I personally would rather enjoy the vast majority of my life and peace out alone than spend my life struggling in a bad or mediocre marriage, take care of my husband while he dies, and then still die alone myself.” She’s joking but also not.
I wonder if any married people deploy these ‘scare tactics’ to validate the route they’ve chosen? “That’s interesting. I also think some people want single people to get married because they think it will make them happy.”
But, actually, single childless women are the happiest cohort out there. And as Greta writes, “since the 1970s, married woman have been reported to die sooner than single women, experience a lower quality of life, experience a lower quality of sex, and make less money”. Ahem, so the husbands aren’t putting effort into, er, pleasing their partner? “They’re just dialling it in, yeah.”
No kidding
“I can still remember lying on my bed when I was about 29 years old,” Greta writes, “having a near panic attack because my latest relationship didn’t work out. ‘How many childbearing years do I have left?’ I wondered. What if I’m not engaged, or even have a boyfriend, by 35?” She really interrogated whether or not she even wanted kids. “Was it just to meet society’s expectations, so no one would think there was ‘something wrong’ with me? In that moment, I decided to surrender total control of whether I would have kids to the universe… the surrender was completely liberating.” Does she still feel that way? “1000%. I’m totally happy with my decision not to have kids.” No explanations required. “These days, with the help of social media, women are normalising being single and child-free.
“I recommend that every woman considers if she really wants children or if she’s been programmed to think she does.” Greta suggests you “spend time with married friends or family members with kids and observe their lives”. (Hey, maybe even do an overnight shift with a friend’s baby!) “Also, really think about how much a child costs.”
Certainly, some women settle for (or stay in) a relationship that’s not so great, because they want kids soon. “Yeah, it’s like our biological clock has a gun to our head – it’s ‘now or never’. Now, you can freeze your eggs, but that’s expensive and might feel scary.”
Greta thinks many women underestimate the value they bring to a marriage. “It goes beyond the physical sexual benefits, which are huge for men. Women also provide a sympathetic ear, emotional support, and social direction often.” Oh, and do a disproportionate amount of household work.
“As author and doctor of clinical psychology Dr Venus Nicolini has noted on podcasts like ‘Uncut and Uncensored’, ‘marriage is not only designed for men – it’s designed by them’”.
“Yet, society has succeeded in making women feel like it’s they who they who are the lucky ones to get a guy to commit to them.”
Instead, Greta is living a ‘singular’ life: that adjective refers to only one person, and also means remarkably good or great.
Buy Greta’s book through asingularlife.com or Amazon; it costs about NZ$33 for the paperback and NZ$12 on Kindle. Check out Greta’s Substack, sign up for a free newsletter at asingularlife.com, or follow @singularlifebook on social media.
Note: We handpick everything we recommend. We may receive revenue for sharing this content or when you shop through our links
