What happens when you finally realise just WHO you’re sleeping with – an absolute tool of a man who has dreams of only marrying a virgin because, apparently, ‘ALL men want to marry jobless virgins whose only desire was to satisfy the needs of their husbands.’ Our guest writer asks, against the backdrop of her own unfortunate personal realisation, as much as feminism and women’s rights have evolved, are men regressing – and what should she do now she knows she’s been sleeping with a misogynist?
Welcome to our series, The Love Diaries – a space for you to share your experiences, advice, fairy-tale endings, setbacks and heartbreaks. We’ll be hearing from industry experts giving practical advice alongside Capsule readers (You!) sharing your firsthand experiences with love – from the woman who cheated on her husband with a work colleague, one woman’s temptation now the love of her life is finally single (although she’s not), and the woman who forced her husband to choose between her and his girlfriend.
Nothing quite breaks your heart like when you find out the man you’ve been sleeping with thinks women shouldn’t have careers, ambition or (ironically) sex. But despite living in a world where women have more opportunities, freedom and independence than ever before, are men’s ideas of women regressing in comparison? And what does that mean for women like me?
Finding a decent fuck buddy in Auckland is a hard game in itself, perhaps just as challenging as finding decently-priced parking in the city centre or finding a kidney donor. To ensure full discretion, cleanliness, a guaranteed good time and a satisfying back and forth rapport, one would think they would have to sell an arm. I only had to sell my soul, it seems.
I met Jack* about five years ago. He moved in with one of my best friends and, soon after, we couldn’t stop bumping into one another everywhere. Pubs, gyms, restaurants – you name it. After a few flirty conversations, drunked passes and a night swim in Murrays Bay, one thing led to another. Flash forward to now, we have a comfortable arrangement consisting of sex in public places and an understanding of each other – or so I thought.
It was one not-so-important Tuesday night after a little bit of stress relief in the back of my 2008 Suzuki Swift when Jack and I got into one of our post-sex deep dives on life. Usually these little chats covered the daily hiccups we may be facing or the current political situation. As it turned out, we ended up on the topic of marriage – a red zone for anyone dabbling in casual philandering. But as we headed into uncharted waters, I soon became aware of what boat I had been riding.
As I described my glimmering vision of “the perfect marriage” – honesty, respect, a big family and a similarly-shared travel bug, Jack reflected a different take on long-term commitment.
He started off by saying he wanted to marry a girl who was all for him, worshipped him, was obsessed with him. He said it was because he was a Leo. He gained a brownie point for astrological intelligence. I liked that he could be honest about his attention-seeking ways.
Then, he proceeded to reveal he wanted to marry someone like his mum. Someone who did everything for him – did his laundry, cleaned his room, cooked him dinner and listened to his problems. She must also not be ambition-driven – he liked that his mum’s main focus was staying at home and looking after the brood. I supposed the Oedipus complex was a small factor in every man’s relationship with women so I let it slide.
Then, he dropped the big whammy: he wanted to marry someone who was a virgin because, in his words, why would you want to buy a car that has already been driven? This is where I pulled the emergency brakes.
Jack, seemingly confused as to why I may be taken aback by this revelation, decided to further describe this arrangement and dig his hole deeper and deeper.
He went on to say that he wasn’t an outlier in this belief – ALL men wanted to marry jobless virgins whose only desire was to satisfy the needs of their husbands. Why should his wife work if it means directing her attention elsewhere? Why should she have any sexual prowess before settling on matrimony? And how did this have anything to do with the fact that I’d just ridden him in the back of a car for 20 minutes?
I was overwhelmed with panic, nausea and disbelief with the realisation. I’ve been having casual sex with a misogynist and I had no idea.
He proceeded to give me a kiss on the cheek, hop out of the car and tell me he looked forward to next time – completely unaware that he may have just completely shattered our arrangements for “next time”.
A range of emotions covered me like a wave. I was offended but also self-conscious. Angry but also really hurt. And one thought lingered longer than the others – what happens to the women like me?
We live in a hyper-sexualised world. A world where porn is a $97 billion (NZ$156 billion) industry, where films and media have shirked off nudity clauses for more skin and where a nipple-embellished bra, brought to us by Kim Kardashian, sold out in a flash.
Even in New Zealand, the average age people lose their virginity is 17.5.
Sex is not as taboo as it once was, but so are a lot of topics – including women’s rights. Women have more opportunities, freedom and independence than ever before. We’re encouraged to embrace our sexual identity, if not flaunt it. Dresses are shorter, the world is bigger and excitement lingers on every corner. Gone are the boundaries of what you can and can’t do.
But Jack’s revelation had me thinking – if women have more opportunities, freedom and independence than ever before, are men’s ideas of women regressing in comparison?
If we’re a product of the hyper-sexualised world that created us, what happens when the patriarchy rears its ugly head?
Perhaps it is true. Maybe the opposite sex did want to come home to a wife who had dinner on the table, only adoration on her mind and a bodycount of one. But if that were the case and an entire generation of men had their minds stuck in 1950s Hicksville, what on earth were they doing fucking me in my shitty car at 2am?
So, for the hypocrites who wish for an ideal they can’t back themselves, listen up. Practise what you preach. Want a virgin wife? Save yourself for marriage. Want a woman that stays at home? Stop working at a fast food restaurant and go make some big bucks. Want a patriarchal society? Then give up the luxuries that feminism offers on a platter.
And if you know any men with a penchant for public sex and women’s rights? Point them my way. I have a vacancy on the roster.
*Name changed to ensure anonymity
