Rachel Strevens, who didn’t have a real orgasm until she was 40, has been exploring her sexuality – and is now a sexologist and coach who has set up her business The Passion Project to help women in this area – and start wider conversations about female sexuality. In her first media interview, she shares the liberating truth that it’s never too late to rediscover yourself sexually.
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Rachel Strevens – a sexologist and advocate for female pleasure – didn’t have her first real orgasm until she was 40.
“I enjoyed sex, but very rarely was it to the level of actual orgasm,” she says.
So, when it did happen, was she surprised?
“I was blown away. I couldn’t believe it. I was like, ‘oh my God, this is what I’ve been missing my whole life. This is what I’ve been thinking that sex should be.’ Since then, I haven’t looked back.”
Rachel didn’t expect this to tread this path, having come out of a long-term relationship. “I’d given up on myself as a sexual being. I hadn’t been experiencing sexual desire. Sex often felt like a chore and something to rush through. I was too afraid to bring up fantasies. We’ve all got something in the back of our minds that maybe might spark a little desire, right? But if you’re too afraid or not willing to discuss those things, that desire will fade away.”
“Unexpectedly, something did spark my desire. I’ve always been bi-curious but never had the chance to explore that. When I did, that triggered that spark and a fire started to ignite within me. I’ve discovered I’m definitely bisexual. I’m attracted to both men and women. That sparked my journey of self-discovery and sexual discovery.”
“I thought ‘why not figure out what my fantasies are, and not be afraid of them?’. I learned so much about myself, my body, how female pleasure actually works, what turns me on, what turns me off. I’d never delved into that before – they’re things we never learn about.”
Now Rachel has set up The Passion Project as a sexologist, a coach of sorts. “It’s a sexuality and education venture focused around female pleasure, which hasn’t really been talked about openly. When we think about sex, it’s often ‘standard sex’ without the female-pleasure component. The Passion Project is about delving into female pleasure. At its core, it’s about helping women understand that so many of us experience the same things, and we think there’s something wrong with us, when actually these things are normal.”
Like not having orgasms? “Yeah. Talking about these things can help women learn more about their bodies and hopefully have better sex.”
I imagine it’s reassuring for the women who see her to realise that there’s not something wrong with them? “Absolutely,” she says.
She sees some couples too. “When you’re looking at pleasure, it’s hard to start those conversations. So it’s bringing tools, information and education to the partners as well. As little as most women have been taught about our bodies, female sexuality and female pleasure – well, men know even less. So if we can help bring them into that conversation, that means better results for everyone.”
“If you look at the fundamentals of how women experience pleasure and desire, it’s quite different to the male version. Females can take a long time to get aroused or turned on. Females can take a long time of stimulation to reach orgasm. The majority of women don’t orgasm from vagina-penis intercourse. But there’s not much information or discussion around the reality from a women’s point-of-view.”
As she says, sex education at school doesn’t teach you about female sexuality or female desire. “You’re taught how to roll a condom onto a banana, how to protect against pregnancy and STIs, the basics of where things go, and maybe where the clitoris is. But everything else – if you don’t learn that at school, where are you learning it from? Even talking with your friends isn’t delving into the fundamentals of female pleasure.” And porn is just a performance.
I have several friends who, upon first having sex, felt nothing – like, is this it? “That’s so common!” Rachel says. And many people have faked orgasms. “Research shows a majority of women have faked orgasms. I was definitely guilty of that. That’s easier than actually having those hard conversations with your partner – like, ‘that’s not really doing it for me’ or ‘here’s what I’d like instead’ or ‘can we try this?. I do think by avoiding those conversations, we’re doing ourselves a bit of a disservice.”
“When I started opening up about these things, I was actually surprised by how common these things were for women. That’s what led me to think ‘I need to be bring these things to the surface because so many people experience these things, but nobody’s talking about it’.”
For some women, is feeling shame about their bodies or their weight a factor? “Yes, 100%. Body confidence is one of the biggest inhibitors [for having sex] for women. There’s research that shows women will shy away from activities that may initiate sex if they don’t feel confident in themselves.”
“One big thing I work on with women is accepting your body as you are. If you do a few small things that help with your body confidence and body image, it’s going to go a long way in the bedroom.”
“We’re put through so much as women. For mothers, how do we balance being a mum with sex and being sexy? Then there’s all the pressure from our careers and other pressures, yet we’re still expected to feel sexy and maintain our weight.”
“You might feel there’s something wrong with you. But actually, it’s completely normal, because you’ve got all these things going on. Once people start to understand those things, and what they can do about those things, then they can make way for greater pleasure.”
“When I had, let’s call it, my year of discovery, I was having so many open and honest conversations with people in different sexual communities. People were open and honest about their sexuality and what they liked and didn’t like. That encouraged me to start talking about some of these things with my friends. That’s what made me realise that everyone’s got similar things going on, but nobody’s talking about it.”
This is her first media interview. “I am a little bit nervous. It’s taken me a while to accept that this is something I want to talk about publicly and I’ve had to come to terms with what that means.”
“Certainly this is never a track I thought I’d go down! I never would have thought in 100 years that I’d find myself publicly wanting to talk about sex and female pleasure. But here we are!”
On October 19th, Rachel will be speaking at a wider event in Auckland called IGNITE: Passion & Pleasure. Tickets are on sale now. The MC is Kiki Kisses, one of New Zealand’s best-known burlesque performers and pin-up artists – and wrapping up the day over a cocktail or glass of bubbles sounds fun.
Expect expert speakers and discussion on the following subjects: body confidence and self-image, personal style (with personal stylist Johanna-May Manks), menopause and perimenopause, endometriosis and fertility, sexuality and female pleasure.
Rachel’s topic is ‘Decoding Female Pleasure’.
“I’ll be focusing on female pleasure and sexuality, and also bringing in other elements that can help you feel good about yourself and so hopefully lead you to experience greater pleasure. I wanted to take part in a large-scale event where you can have hard conversations, and help other women to share their stories and to empower other women.”
What would she say to possible attendees wondering if they’ll feel self-conscious talking about sex? Because, gah, many of us have been conditioned to be prudish. “I’d say, maybe there’s a little awkwardness, but just know that these are honest conversations in a safe place. Attendees don’t need to speak about their situation unless they want to.”
“Female pleasure is an important subject to bring into the open, so we need to have these conversations. So many of these experiences are so common – and if you can talk about them, learn about them and understand them a bit more, that’s going to be great for you and your confidence, and hopefully lead to you having more pleasurable sex.”
