“Should I tell my friend her husband is having an affair?” That’s the question Capsule reader Milly is mulling over. She has no solid proof, just something fleeting she saw with her own eyes that makes her quite certain that her friend’s husband is being unfaithful. So… should she say anything?
Welcome to our series, The Love Diaries – a space for you to share your experiences, advice, fairy-tale endings, setbacks and heartbreaks. We’ll be hearing from industry experts giving practical advice alongside Capsule readers (You!) sharing your firsthand experiences with love – from the woman who cheated on her husband with a work colleague, one woman’s temptation now the love of her life is finally single (although she’s not), and the woman who forced her husband to choose between her and his girlfriend.
Milly* is in a quandary.
It goes back about six months – when she saw something surprising about the husband of one of her closest friends – but really, this story goes back more than a decade.
Milly and her friend Frances have been part of a closeknit group of friends since they were in high school – they’ve weathered many ups and downs over the years, as well as being tested by distance. Through it all though, they’re remained close.
One of the biggest tests of their friendship came when they were in their early 20s and they discovered that somehow, they’d both been dating the same guy for the last month without realising it.
“It was brutal,” says Milly. “And, I didn’t handle it great. We were young! But we both broke up with him, totally disgusted. But then I started dating him again a few weeks later, which really upset Frances. We didn’t talk for a while. It was stupid, because the relationship with the guy didn’t last and I should have known that and not upset her by dating him again in the first place. It was more than 10 years now and we’re fine. Although of all of us in the friend group there still feels sometimes like there’s a bit of competition or something between us if I’m honest.”
So, with that back story in mind, Milly is looking for advice about what to do next with her friendship after she’s discovered that something is potentially very wrong within Frances’ marriage.
Here’s how Milly tells it:
“Okay, about six months ago I was on a dating app. I’d been in a relationship for about five years that ended and had about a year of not dating after that. I was about three months into using a dating app, sort of off-and-on, when one night I saw Jacob pop up. Jacob is Frances’ husband.
“It was Jacob: his photo, his age, a little profile info that sounded like Jacob, but the name was Mark. My first thought was that someone had obviously stolen his identity and were pretending to be him. So, I sent him a message with a screenshot and said, ‘Thought you should know someone is using your pic to catfish on Bumble!’
“Jacob replied in minutes, saying ‘Heck!! You’d think they’d at least try with some better pics! Thanks for letting me know. Gonna find out how to get them removed. Hope you’re finding some good dudes on there though? Not all catfish?’
“After that I didn’t really think about it all. I didn’t say anything to Frances. It wasn’t like I made a decision not to tell her, it was just I’d told him and he was sorting it. I think we had dinner a week or so later and on the way there I remembered about it and was going to have a laugh with her about it but I totally forgot about it. I haven’t thought about it since.
“But then. This is where it gets really bad. About two months ago I met a guy on Bumble and we’ve been dating ever since. I haven’t told my friends a lot about him, but they know he exists and that it’s going really well and hopefully they’ll meet him soon.
“He lives in a different suburb to me – in a different direction to where the rest of my friends live. On the weekend I stayed at his place and one afternoon we went to the movies at this quite weird theatre. We came out of our movie and I went to the bathroom. As I was coming out, I saw Jacob walk past – obviously going into a movie – with his arm around a woman who definitely wasn’t Frances. I am 100% positive it was him. I am 100% positive he was touching this woman in a way that was not how you touch a friend or family member. It was a date, I’m sure.
“But now, I don’t know what to do. My instinct is to tell her, which is what I’m sure most people will say to do. I don’t think that Frances and Jacob are in any kind of open relationship or have some sort of agreement where he could date other women. Frances has never said anything like that and I know that they are trying for a baby.
“I told the guy I’m seeing, obviously, and he said he’d probably keep it to himself, because you don’t know what goes on in other people’s relationships and it’s better to stay out. I called my mum and she had the same view – like I might just embarrass her, and hurt our relationship. I also have that slightly weird past with her that makes me doubt whether I should say something. I’m worried that I didn’t say anything about the Bumble profile, so I’m already on the back foot. I have the screenshot still of that. But, I don’t have any proof of seeing him at the movies. He could easily just say it wasn’t him and I was mistaken.
“But what if she’s trying for a baby and doesn’t know about the affair. What if she’s already pregnant? I thought about writing some sort of anonymous letter to her?
“I’d love to know what Capsule readers think I should do.”
Do you have any advice for Milly? Send an email to hello@capsulenz.com subject line: To Milly, or, head to our Instagram page and leave a comment or a DM!
*names have been changed
__________________________________
About the Author:
