Writer Jessica Bell is in her late thirties – she’s single and very happy, but part of her does still long for the traditional set up of a partner and a couple of kids. Is it something she really wants? Is she just getting FOMO? What’s at stake?
Jessica has previously written about ‘Successful Single Women Syndrome‘ and the realities of dating in your 30s (spoiler alert: the rom-coms we millennials grew up with, totally lied to us!)
Welcome to our series, The Love Diaries – a space for you to share your experiences, advice, fairy-tale endings, setbacks and heartbreaks. We’ll be hearing from industry experts giving practical advice alongside Capsule readers (You!) sharing your firsthand experiences with love – from the woman who cheated on her husband with a work colleague, one woman’s temptation now the love of her life is finally single (although she’s not), and the woman who forced her husband to choose between her and his girlfriend.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Send an email to alice@capsulenz.com!
According to Morgan Stanley, 45% of women between 25 and 45 world-wide are expected to be single and child-free by 2030.
It doesn’t take much to work out the reasons why – difficulty finding the right person, higher expectations of what we want out of a relationship, the desire to pursue other aspects of life. The problems of the world – the cost of living, geopolitical conflict, growing inequality, AI and climate change, no doubt also play into the reasons why people are increasingly not having kids.
If I think about my own situation, I’m on the fence. As a single woman, I am very happy, but part of me does still long for the traditional set up of a partner and a couple of kids.
Only at this stage of life, such a desire can feel pretty loaded – should I be embarking on freezing my eggs? Will I meet someone who already has kids and doesn’t want any more? What would raising a child on my own look like – and do I want that enough? The undeniable biological clock can feel like an added pressure during dating, because at my age, I lack the liberty of years of time to decide if kids are what we both want.
When I talk to other single or casually dating women of my age, the discussion tends to be much the same – “I like the idea of kids, I have thought about freezing my eggs, but I am not sure if I want kids alone.” A challenging situation to be in, and a lot of decisions to make.
Doing it Alone
The real challenge of being single is not so much the day-to-day feelings of passing loneliness or ‘waiting for your turn’, it’s grappling with these big questions about life and how you thought it would play out. When I spoke to Olivia, she agreed: “It means that there as those big things in life that I wanted and I am now starting to wonder whether I have to do them on my own, or whether I just don’t do them. Like I have done the big trip on my own, and do I contemplate having a child on my own?”.
Knowing the right time to act is different for everyone, and dependent on individual circumstances, but there are some challenges – namely time and cost.
As of today, looking at local Auckland providers for egg-freezing procedures, the cost would be circa $14,000 plus add-ons for egg storage, medication and embryo transfer, bringing the total cost closer to $20,000. Each subsequent round would be $9,000 to $11,000. While it’s fantastic that this option exists and one cannot put a price on having a child, this is a large expense for anyone, certainly someone on a single income.
Add on the actual cost of raising a child – daycare, living expenses, plus a mortgage or rent, and for many single people, that feels pretty unobtainable.
Of course, the process doesn’t necessarily guarantee a baby, with the likelihood of a live birth being between 11% and 82% depending on the women’s age at retrieval and number of eggs retrieved.
I have thought about egg freezing a lot, as I know many of my friends have, but for me personally, that much financial cost for something that I am not sure about (and may not work), at the moment feels too great.
What Life Would Look Like
The other aspect is around what life would look like with a child. As Cassie said, “I know having a baby is a massive life change for everyone, but doing it alone with the cost of living as it currently is feels kind of impossible. While I am lucky to have the offer of family help, the reality would still be working full time, and I just don’t see how I could do all that and still raise a child. I know having a child involves sacrifice, but there would be literally no ‘off switch’ ever, and that’s not even thinking about how I’d juggle school holidays and things like that.”
I completely understand that, and I have to say that for me personally, the state of the world right now and uncertainty about the future also weigh on my mind as to whether this is really an environment that I want to bring a child into.
Is this Something I Really Want or is it FOMO?
There’s certainly a lot of pressure on having kids. It feels like what we’re ‘meant to do’, and it always hurts a bit to say ‘no’ when people ask whether you have them. Social media has amplified that pressure, but it has also provided a platform to show different ways of living.
Of course, I experience feelings of loneliness and like I have ‘missed the boat” when I see women who are seven to 10 years younger than me on Instagram with kids, living what appears to be a perfect life. But on the flip side, it has introduced me to women from all over the world who are out there living amazing, full, unconventional lives – travelling solo in their 40s and 50s, running highly successful businesses, developing property, following their dreams. It’s a good reminder that life doesn’t stop because you didn’t follow the traditional path, and other doors are always open.
While it’s possible I may regret my decision down the track; right now, I feel at peace with it. In a conversation with a friend a while back, we agreed that being single and child-free is just a different kind of life. Not having kids is not empty or sad or lonely – it’s just different. There are wonderful things about a child-free life – freedom, less financial pressure, sleep ins – just as there are rich rewards in having kids.
The decision to have a child is a complex one for anyone – in a relationship or not. But certainly, when you are thinking about what that would look like alone, it is amplified. Whatever option a woman chooses, it’s entirely her decision.
