This week we’re talking about committed, happy couples who live separately – yip, they’re in a long-term relationship, but have different addresses. We look at how common this arrangement is, and why it seems to work…
Welcome to our series, The Love Diaries – a space for you to share your experiences, advice, fairy-tale endings, setbacks and heartbreaks. We’ll be hearing from industry experts giving practical advice alongside Capsule readers (You!) sharing your firsthand experiences with love – from the woman who cheated on her husband with a work colleague, one woman’s temptation now the love of her life is finally single (although she’s not), and the woman who forced her husband to choose between her and his girlfriend.
Wellingtonians John* and Jackie*, both 37, have been together for 11 years. They were friends from the same social circle who eventually realised they wanted to be more than friends – and they’ve been a committed couple since.
“We vaguely planned to move in together at some point but, over time, it just didn’t happen,” Jackie says. “Then we found we weren’t even discussing it anymore.” That’s when they realised they prefer to have their own homes. They live 10 minutes’ drive from the other’s house.
Childfree by choice, the couple usually spends three evenings a week together including a ‘date night’ every two to three weeks. They spend the night together usually twice a week. They also usually spend a day together in the weekend, talk on the phone at least once a day, and sometimes meet up for lunch.
They have sex maybe once a fortnight. Living apart keeps things a bit more exciting. “Like, when he does come round, or I go to his place, I make sure I’ve brushed my hair, and that I’m not distracted by other things. I don’t get bored of him.”
“Also, some of my friends have called me a control freak. I think of it more as being quite particular. Both of us are quite particular in various ways: what we want to watch on TV, what time we want to go to bed, or what we want for dinner. We eat in very different ways. I prefer fish or steak with some salad and veggies whereas he’s more about burgers and fries. And he’s way more messy in the kitchen.”
“Also I live to watch reality-TV dating shows, and I don’t want to see him cringe while I do that,” Jackie says. “Yeah I can’t stand those shows,” John says with a laugh. “But I also don’t want to sit on a different device with headphones on.”
“I joke that we’re incompatible fulltime but compatible part-time,” John says. “For instance, our sleep habits aren’t that compatible. I find it hard to sleep sometimes and I don’t want to disturb her by turning the light on and reading, or pottering out to the kitchen and boiling the kettle.” And Jackie? “He does accidentally wake me up sometimes.” On the nights they stay together, she puts in earplugs and puts on an eye mask before going to sleep.
Living apart also gives them room to do their own thing, Jackie says. “On Wednesday night I can have my book group around for a few wines without disturbing him.” Jackie also loves having family and friends to stay – and can do so without imposing on John’s need for quiet time.
“She’s an extrovert and I’m an introvert,” he says. “I really need time to myself to recharge.”
What do friends, colleagues and acquaintances think about the arrangement? “Most of them think it’s weird, or at least they did to start with,” Jackie says. “Some have assumed that we’re not that committed to each other or to the relationship, which isn’t the case. A couple of people even asked if it’s an open relationship, which it isn’t.” But over time, friends and family have got used to the idea. “And we don’t care that much what people think,” John says. “We just do us.”
To sceptics, they’d like to point out the pros of living apart. “We have friends in couples who have broken up over day-to-day tensions,” John says. “We hardly ever have arguments and, when we do, we resolve them quickly because it might be a few days until we see each other again.”
Do they think they’ll ever live together? “Maybe when we’re retired and need more help to do things, or more company,” John says.
Yes, it would be cheaper to live together, but they’re willing to make a few sacrifices to live life their way. “We’re privileged to be in that financial position,” Jackie says.
You have to wonder: how many more couples would live apart if it was actually affordable?
Is this happening much in New Zealand?
When I asked around in Facebook groups, I had, within an hour, heard of 10 couples living separately long-term. They didn’t want to be interviewed per se, but Katie* told me this:
“This is what works best for me and my partner. We spend one to two nights together each week, but the rest is spent apart. It’s been 12 years now. We’re both people who need our space and autonomy. If we ever move in together, we’ll have our own bedrooms. We do holidays together and stuff as a family unit. I like the arrangement we have, as I was heavily burnt by my divorce to my first spouse. I know a lot of couples who live apart, too.
Indeed, people who have come out of a bad relationship, or who simply disliked living with a previous partner, can really appreciate their space.
How common is it?
There’s no way to know exact numbers, but couples living separately isn’t as rare as you might think. There’s even a name for this way of life: ‘Living Apart Together’ or LAT. A recent article called ‘Living Apart Together: What to Know About This Relationship Model and Why Couples Are Choosing’ says that “for a growing number of duos, cohabitating isn’t the end game. Instead, they’re living apart together (LAT), which, to them, is more romantic than sharing a bedroom, a bathroom, and a permanent address. For these pairs, having separate residences is the secret to a long, happy, and healthy relationship and even marriage.”
The article quotes psychologist and relationship coach Dr Sherrie Sims Allen, who says “research has demonstrated that LAT relationships successfully support a viable romantic connection while offering higher levels of relationship satisfaction… as couples connect in ways that won’t cost them their preferred lifestyle or way of life.”
There is a YouTube video called ‘Living Apart Together: Couples in separate homes say they have more success at love’. Underneath the video are comments like this:
- “Can confirm that living apart is working wonderfully for us. We’re a 15-minute walk away so we can see each other whenever we want while still having our own space.”
- “I’ve been with my guy for YEARS and we don’t live together. We have a fantastic relationship.”
- “My husband and I live apart. We are thriving! I see him 3-4 days out of the week and I’m always excited to see him. It’s pure bliss.”
Last year award-winning journalist and author Vicki Larson released the book LATitude: How You Can Make a Live Apart Together Relationship Work. From years of research and interviews, she’s produced a guide to creating a successful LAT relationship. Larson tackles various topics including how it might work day to day, how it affects sex, and dealing with judgment from others. She simultaneously busts myths – including that people living apart together are more likely to cheat, and that they aren’t committed couples.
John and Jackie also want to bust those myths. “We’re committed,” Jackie says, “we don’t cheat, and we love each other very much”.
