Writer Monika Barton tried the dating technique of ‘hardballing’ on all her first dates – here’s why she thinks you should try it too…
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If you’ve had the misfortune of being on the dating scene for some time, you’ll be familiar with ‘ghosting’, ‘breadcrumbing’, ‘situationships’ and maybe even ‘hardballing’.
Those first three are ingredients for the unleaded nightmare fuel that drives much of modern romance, but I want to tell you why the latter – ‘hardballing’ – might help you retain your sanity, even a little.
The idea of ‘playing hardball’ originates from American Baseball and, by the 70s, had evolved to mean adopting an aggressive or uncompromising stance in business/politics. Relationship expert Logan Ury of Hinge fame (or infamy, depending on how horrifying your ‘most compatible’ suggestions have been lately) then co-opted the term to describe a new dating trend all about being up front.
Essentially, it’s the practice of laying out your goals, boundaries and baggage on date one (or hell, even in the talking stage) in the name of transparency, time-saving and, frankly, weeding out those who are easily spooked.
As Ury puts it, “it’s not a demand that they want the same things you do…it’s about how you present yourself and how you present the question”.
“When two people actually say what they need to say, it’s so much more powerful than making assumptions.”
If this sounds a little scary, that’s because it is. It can feel really unnatural to share your personal desires and dealbreakers with a stranger – plus, you’re potentially setting yourself up for the kind of face-to-face rejection we’re hard-wired to avoid.
When I first started dating in earnest, I was fresh out of an eight-year relationship with zero knowledge of the apps. My Tinder profile bore the ‘still figuring it out’ badge and in-person, my energy was giving ‘please like me, I’m scared’.
After a flurry of first dates where I awkwardly laughed off alarming jokes or drank too much rosé in an attempt to not flee the scene 20 minutes in, something had to give.
By then, I was nearing my mid-30s and starting to panic about my fertility, plus I’d been in another relationship with someone who I discovered was a rampant anti-vaxxer in the midst of COVID lockdown. Not to mention the man who insisted NZ should bring back public executions.
Issues like kids, modern medicine and capital punishment simply could no longer wait.
I’ll admit, crow-barring the children conversation into the obligatory ‘how was work?’ small talk is quite awkward.
Lots of confused men seemed to think I was asking ‘do you want to have kids with me?’ rather than ‘do you wish to be a father one day?’. A few made jokes like ‘sure, right now?’ while gesturing for us to leave together. Some revealed they already had several kids they had conveniently forgotten to mention thus far.
Cool, cool, cool.
I questioned my process on more than a few occasions, especially when one waitress couldn’t contain her laughter as she brought our second drinks of the night just as I was asking about babies. It was funny timing, tbf.
But eventually, it became clear that the good ones, the ones that understood women in their 30s might be aware of their ticking biological clock, were unfazed. And even respected it. It’s not about being aggressive; it’s about knowing what you want, and if you think about it, that kind of self-assuredness is actually pretty hot.
Shout out to my now-boyfriend, a girl dad, who when asked if it was a ‘one-and-done situation’ on our first date, began: “That’s a really good question; I’m glad you asked. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately”.
Also, shout out to the method of saying ‘Woah, it’s crazy what Trump’s doing with [INSERT DUMPSTER FIRE THING HERE]’ or ‘Slay, I can’t wait for Pride this year’ to quickly get a handle on where someone’s at with the big issues.
Some people will say not to talk politics or religion on a first date. To them I say: If you want to wait five weeks to hear your man say “Nah, but Andrew Tate is successful for a reason, though”, be my guest.
Of course, this approach isn’t foolproof. People can lie and tell you what you want to hear, act like you’re coming in too hot or dodge the question by nervously spilling an entire bottle of sparkling water over the table and subsequently, you (a true story).
At the very least, you’re empowered to attempt to date conscientiously and look after yourself, and you can’t be accused of being misleading. Even if you’re not looking for anything serious, that can be established early, before someone accidentally-on-purpose escorts you straight into family brunch after a one-night stand (another true story).
So, if you’re currently waist-deep in the dating app trenches, consider a little hardballing. It might not save you from some supremely awkward moments, but it will save you weeks, months and maybe years with the wrong person – and that seems like a decent trade-off to me.
