As they inched closer to Christmas, Shelley’s long term boyfriend was behaving a little strangely – she thought he was planning to propose to her. It made sense – they’d been together five years, Christmas was always special to them because it was when they started their relationship, and they’d been talking about the future. Maybe he was being cagey about Christmas plans because he had a big surprise planned! Unfortunately, Shelley’s boyfriend did have a secret – and it had nothing to do with a diamond ring.
Welcome to our series, The Love Diaries – a space for you to share your experiences, advice, fairy-tale endings, setbacks and heartbreaks. We’ll be hearing from industry experts giving practical advice alongside Capsule readers (You!) sharing your firsthand experiences with love – from the woman who cheated on her husband with a work colleague, one woman’s temptation now the love of her life is finally single (although she’s not), and the woman who forced her husband to choose between her and his girlfriend.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Send an email to alice@capsulenz.com!
It was an impossibly romantic start to their relationship.
Shelley and Andrew had spent their teen years, living just a few streets away from one another, but none the wiser to each other’s presence on this planet. It took moving to London to actually find one another.
Halfway through her OE, Shelley took a trip with a few Australians who she’d met on her travels. They were taking a trip to Germany for Christmas to head to the famous Christmas markets, to avoid moping around home, feeling homesick over the holidays. One of the girls was bringing her boyfriend, who was bringing along two friends of his own.
One of those friends just happened to be Andrew.
There was an instant spark and Andrew and Shelley had their first kiss among the fairy lights at the markets as snow fell.
“It was like a movie,” says Shelley.
The two quickly fell in love, with Andrew calling time on his OE early so that he could return home at the same time as Shelley.
Since then they’d bought a house together, adopted a cat, talked about the future (how many kids they’d like, where they’d want to honeymoon and how they’d fund their retirement) and had now very nearly clocked up five years together.
But, if Shelley was honest, something had begun to feel a little off. Andrew had seemed a bit distant lately, a bit skitterish when she’d pushed him for details.
Then, one night she was in the shower, when it suddenly clicked.
“I was washing my hair, thinking about Christmas,” she says. “It was getting closer, and it was like… ‘aha!’”
Shelley figured that Andrew must be planning to propose.
She never used to be a big Christmas person, but after she and Andrew shared that magical one together, she’d become a complete festive convert.
“We always made a big deal about Christmas,” she says. “I was sure he was being secretive because he was organising a big Christmas proposal for our five year anniversary.”
So, whenever Andrew acted a little strange in those next couple of weeks, she shrugged it off.
“One night when he was out, I remember going through his things for a little while,” she says. “I was looking for a ring! Then I thought about how I’d like it to be a genuine surprised, so I stopped.”
Shelley told one of her closest friends, Nina, about her suspicions, which Nina only added fuel to.
“She said that her husband acted so weirdly before he proposed that she thought he was going to break up with her,” says Shelley.
By then, Christmas wasn’t far away – and Shelley and Andrew hadn’t confirmed what they were doing. But Andrew didn’t seem to want to talk about it at all.
“I was getting pretty frustrated by this point,” she says. “I was cutting him a lot of slack, and didn’t want to ruin the whole thing, but I was starting to get sick of it.”
Then one night, his phone was on the kitchen bench in front of her and she noticed he had got a text – she could see the name of who it was from: Angelica.
“It’s an unusual name – it’s one of my best friends’ name,” says Shelley. “None of us call her that – she got the nickname Candy when we were at intermediate.”
Candy was always the stylish one, says Shelley.
“She was always ahead of trends,” says Shelley. “And she was great at picking what was going to suit you – she was the best to go shopping.”
Shelley put two and two together and figured Andrew must be talking to Candy about picking out a ring. She messaged Nina right away and they excitedly chatted about what must be happening.
But then, the next day, Shelley got a message from Nina. She wanted to meet up after work. Shelley was feeling tired and just felt like going home and getting an early night, but Nina said there was something she needed to talk to her about urgently.
“She picked me up outside work and she was shaking,” says Shelley. “She started driving to her house but we ended up pulling over.”
Nina told Shelley she wasn’t sure how to tell her, but she had some really horrible news. Andrew was cheating on her, with Candy.
Nina explained that she’d called Candy, wanting to know what was going on with the proposal. She’d cheekily said something along the lines of ‘I know your secret. I know what you’ve been doing with Andrew.’ But, instead of confessing that yes, she’d been helping him choose an engagement ring, she started panicking, saying how she felt so awful and she didn’t know what to do and how had Nina found out.
Immediately, Nina realised they were not talking about the same thing, but got Candy to admit to having an affair with Andrew – one that had been going on for about three months. Nina let her know that she and/or Andrew had to tell Shelley, or she would do it herself, but Nina just begged her not to.
“It seemed impossible,” says Shelley. “But Nina was obviously telling the truth so… it just felt like my head might explode.”
She called Candy first, but she didn’t pick up. She tried again and again. Then she called Andrew, who didn’t pick up either. She asked Nina to drive her home.
“I was in such shock that I couldn’t even cry,” she says. “Nina took me home and waited in the car outside – which I didn’t realise she was doing at the time.”
Shelley went inside and Andrew was clearly waiting for her, crying.
“This is the bit that I, just, could not get over,” she says. “He was acting like the victim. Didn’t know how it all happened! Didn’t mean for it to! He still loved me, but there was just something unexpected that had happened with Candy and he didn’t know what to do. He wanted to stay with me, but he also had feelings for Candy. It was sick. Absolutely sick.”
But Shelley knew exactly what she should do. Although it was incredibly painful, she had no interest in being with someone who would cheat on her with her friend. He wasn’t sure who he wanted to be with, but Shelley removed herself as an option.
“It was like he wanted me to comfort him,” she says. “It was f***d and I let him know that. And that I thought he was going to propose. He said he had been planning to at Christmas until a few months ago and now he was so confused.”
Shelley got up and walked out the door, unsure of what to do. That’s when she saw Nina was still parked outside.
“We drove around for hours,” she says. “We’d stop and get food, and then she just drove me around in the dark – there was something very comforting about it.”
Eventually, she went back to Nina’s and stayed there the night – she ended up staying three months, until she was ready to move into an apartment.
“It was the worst year of my life,” she says. “I can’t even remember that Christmas. I was so worried too that I’d lost all my friends, but they were great and were obviously pissed at Candy so were very supportive of me.”
Shelley says she’s only seen Candy once, at a mutual friend’s wedding, in the years since.
It’s been 15 years. That wedding was five years ago and Shelley went with her now husband and their two children.
“I felt like I hit rockbottom when that relationship ended,” says Shelley. “I thought my life was over. Everything moved in slow motion for months after. I felt like I was walking through thick sticky syrup all the time – never able to really move forward.”
But then, she says, things started to get a bit easier. She started seeing a therapist. She learned to rebuild – particularly how to trust others and herself again.
Two years later, she met a man through work who she would marry two years later.
“He’s just the nicest man,” she says. “He’d actually been cheated on a few years earlier – by his fiancee no less – so he had this understanding of what I’d been through. And also, he knew how sh!t is was to be cheated on, so it was just a hard dealbreaker for him – something he’d never tolerate and never do to his partner.”
Some of her friends kept in touch with Candy over the years. She and Andrew had made a go of a relationship. They were together for three years before they broke up. Candy was with a new boyfriend at the wedding, but they barely spoke.
“I realised I didn’t have anything to say to her,” says Shelley. “I wrote her a letter when it happened and she sent me an email saying she was so sorry and she never meant to hurt me. It was pretty pathetic stuff. I felt like telling her what Andrew said that night I found out – and, how he’d tried to get back with me in the weeks after, but I didn’t want to risk sounding bitter and I didn’t want to give her anything more. At the wedding, she avoided me as much as possible. I think I said hello to her. My husband gave her some pretty classic facial expressions. He buddied up to her boyfriend for a while, which made her very uncomfortable and I did get a kick out of that.”
Shelley says time has healed her heart and now, she knows she wasn’t in the right relationship with Andrew. The best was yet to come.
“I just want anyone in the middle of something like that to have a bit of hope,” she says. “It feels like life is over. It’s never going to get better. But, it does. It can be even better.”
