Relationship breaks have become part of pop culture lore – particularly thanks to Friends and that debate (that for many people still continues!!) as to whether Ross and Rachel really were on a break (they had a huge fight, decided to take a break, then Ross slept with another woman).
Taking a break can often happen when a relationship is in strife – but is it a good idea? A relationship expert talks us through the realities of a relationship break and how they can actually really work.
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As couples navigate tricky periods in their relationships, it can be common to take a relationship break.
So common, in fact, they are regular themes in some of our favourite TV shows – were Ross and Rachel REALLY on a break?
But is this move actually worthwhile or is it just delaying the inevitable?
Relationship expert Melissa Ferrari tells nine.com.au that if approached with intention, taking time apart from your significant other “can be” effective but if not, it can “easily become the first step toward a breakup”.
“A break can sometimes give couples space to gain perspective, calm emotions and reflect on what’s really happening between them – however, time apart on its own won’t solve relationship problems,” she says.
She explains the “key issues” that lead to a relationship break include “communication breakdowns, emotional disconnection, trust concerns or unmet needs” and distance is not enough to solve them.
Instead, they need to be approached with “purpose and intention”.
“Unless both people are willing to use that time constructively and work on the underlying issues, it can easily become the first step toward a break up rather than a reset,” she adds.
So, if a couple is on the rocky road to splitsville, how can they make a relationship break work?
Ferrari, who is a psychotherapist and couple’s counsellor, suggests approaching a relationship break “thoughtfully and with mutual agreement”.
“A break should be structured and intentional, not a silent standoff or a way to punish your partner,” she says.
According to Ferrari, it’s important both partners are “clear about why they are taking time apart and what they hope to learn or achieve from it”.
Instead of using this period to avoid the problems going on in your relationship, it’s the perfect time to reflect.
This period can also be a great time to seek couples counselling, she suggests.
“It helps both partners understand their own patterns, how they interact with each other and what’s really driving the conflict,” Ferrari says.
It’s also essential, Ferrari says, to set out a clear timeframe – perhaps two to six weeks depending on the couple – and to outline very clear boundaries during this time.
Questions to ask your significant other before going on a break
“Are we still in contact, and if so, how often?”
“Are we free to date or see other people?”
“What are we each working on during this time?”
“How long will the break last?”
According to Ferrari, asking these questions can provide clarity and avoid “unnecessary conflict”.
“Boundaries are absolutely essential,” she says.
“Without them, confusion and hurt feelings can quickly arise.”
Then, once you’ve agreed to the rules of the break, stick to them, stay honest and avoid anything that could be misconstrued by the other person like cryptic Instagram stories.
“Avoid mixed messages like checking in one day and disappearing the next,” Ferrari says.
“This is also not the time to post ambiguous social media content that might hurt the other person. A ‘break’ only works if it’s built on respect, not avoidance.”
What happens next?
After a break, if couples decide to come back together, Ferrari says it’s important to “be wary of falling straight back into the same patterns that caused the break in the first place”.
“Without addressing the root causes – whether that’s communication, resentment or emotional distance – the same problems will resurface,” she says.
“In the end, a break should never be about escaping your problems, it should be about creating space to face them with more understanding and compassion,” she adds.
“When handled with honesty, structure and a shared commitment to growth, it can sometimes mark the beginning of a stronger, more connected relationship.”
This article was reproduced with permission from 9Honey. To read the original article, click here.
