Growing up in NZ, Helen Manson learned about how adoption can make a family and now, she and her husband have four children: two adopted, one by birth and one foster child. She writes for Capsule about the 10 most common questions she gets asked about being a mother to four children from different backgrounds – and what she wishes people knew about this way of having a family.
Welcome to our series, The Motherhood Diaries – a safe space for you to share your experiences, advice, hopes and heartbreaks. We’ll be hearing from industry experts giving practical advice alongside Capsule readers (You!) sharing your firsthand experiences. We’re looking at everything from fertility, trying to conceive, pregnancy, the fourth trimester, newborns, toddlers, children’s mental health and teenagers, fertility issues and everything in between!
Most people get around nine months’ notice that a baby’s on the way. I had nine minutes.
My husband and I had always talked about adoption, but when the call came, we weren’t expecting it. No diaper, no bottle, no onesie to our name – just a sudden, life-changing moment. And nine minutes later, we met our daughter to be.
My passion for adoption started when I was 10 when my best friend got a new brother, and her mum wasn’t pregnant. That blew my mind. Around the same time, I started learning about the challenges kids face around the world and promised myself that one day, I’d love to do something to help.
Fast-forward to 39, and our family now includes four children – two adopted from Uganda, one by birth, and one foster child from Kenya/NZ that we share with his birth family. I like to joke that I have four kids to four different dads. My husband does not find this funny.
I know adoption and foster care aren’t super common in New Zealand, but I also know many women think about it. So, consider me your friend and confidant, here to help answer the 10 most common questions I get.
‘How do you go about adoption in NZ?‘
In New Zealand, there are three main ways to care for children who need a family: Through Oranga Tamariki – fostering or adopting locally. Through international adoption via ICANZ – a structured process for adopting overseas in certain countries. Through international adoption as a foreign resident – how we adopted from Uganda.
‘Is it hard?‘
Yes! It’s stressful, anxiety-inducing, and can be expensive. And it’s the most beautiful thing you’ll ever do. If you’re adopting internationally as foreign residents (like we did), there’s no guarantee New Zealand will accept the paperwork – quite the risk.
‘What’s it like meeting the child?‘
In all three of our cases, meeting our children was incredibly overwhelming and deeply emotional. I literally wept all three times. I repeat, wept. I read a quote once that stuck with me: “A child born to another woman calls me Mummy. The weight and privilege of that is not lost on me.” That about sums it up.
‘Do you get strange looks/questions from people?‘
Overall, Kiwis are awesome when it comes to adoption. Sure, our family gets the odd stare, but nothing that makes us uncomfortable.
The completely innocent comment that frustrates me the most is when people say – often in front of my kids – how lucky they are. Nope. They’re not lucky. We’re lucky. Adoption and foster care are born out of tremendous loss. These kids didn’t ask for upheaval and change at such a young, vulnerable age. We’re the ones who were born into privilege, with the ability to step in.
Language really matters. Our children don’t come from “third world countries” – that’s an outdated phrase. Try developing nations or low-income countries instead. Other questions we’ve had: “How much did they cost?”, “What is their story?”, “Where are their real parents?” We are their real parents. I think people mean “birth parents,” but these very personal questions are probably best avoided.
If you’re genuinely curious, try: “I’d love to understand more. Would you be open to sharing sometime?” Preferably in a private moment, out of earshot of the kids.
‘How do you keep them connected with their birth culture?‘
By being very intentional. We lived in Uganda for seven years and have returned twice in the last five years. We stay very connected to the Ugandan/Kenyan community in NZ, cook Ugandan food, and speak a bit of the language in our home. Half our house looks like a Ugandan marketplace, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
‘I’ve heard kids in the foster care/adoption system are “damaged” and I know someone who got involved and the kid did...’
Look, there are no guarantees things will turn out rosy. That’s a risk you have to decide if you’re willing to take. And yes, kids from hard places often come with extra needs. But children from birth aren’t guaranteed to be easy either!
For me, it all came down to one question: If I were lying in a crib, alone, in an orphanage, would I want someone to take a chance on me? Children need safe places to live and there aren’t enough safe places.
‘What will this do to my birth kids?‘
Lots, I hope. It’ll give them a front row seat into the devastation of brokenness and the restoration work that love and healing can do. In fact, we do this FOR our kids.
It’ll teach them about sacrificial love and service. About walking with people in addiction and poverty and need. By learning the backstory and struggle it’ll stretch them, grow them, challenge them. They’ll learn that family is bigger than blood and that love isn’t something you run out of.
‘What if my partner says no?‘
I would not recommend proceeding until you can both be 50/50 about it. Adoption and foster care will test your relationship on every level. You both need to be all in—otherwise, one of you may end up resentful.
‘I’m passionate about taking care of children but adoption/foster care isn’t an option – what else can I do?’
I work for an international aid and development agency called Tearfund. One of the best ways to support vulnerable children is through child sponsorship. This allows Kiwis to help children living in poverty stay with their birth families while accessing education, medical care, and supplementary food. You can even build a relationship through letters (or visit, if you’d like!). For the record, we sponsor four kids and have four kids – so I put my money where my mouth is on this one.
‘I don’t know if I could do it – and if I did, is it worth it?’
One million percent, yes. I didn’t know if I could do it either! Mother Teresa said, “We draw the circle of our family too small,” and I tend to agree with her. Adopting and fostering will change your life forever. It’s been hands down the hardest but most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. We’re the “luckiest” family we know.
Helen is an activist and a humanitarian photographer, you can see more of her outstanding work here.
