Monday, January 24, 2022

A Tall Glass of Moira Rosé, Aka Other Fictional Characters Who Would Make Good Real-life Maternal Figures

In the very early days of Capsule last year, Emma Clifton wrote a (deranged) passionate story about characters who would make good mums, just in time for mother’s day. Well, the sun has done a full cycle around the planet and here we are again, so do you know what that means??? Mother’s Day: the sequel.

Moira Rose from Schitt’s Creek

Last year’s Emma Clifton hadn’t even heard of Schitt’s Creek and man, I feel both sorry for and jealous of her, because what an absolute joyful ride that show is. The best character is, of course, Moira Rose. Or, as she’s known in our house, Moira Rosé. Would we call her a good mother at the beginning of the show? Oooooohhhhh…. It’d be a stretch. Severely disinterested in both of her adult children – and, in particular, her daughter, it takes a full financial breakdown and being stuck inside two motel rooms for six years to give Moira the character growth she needs but WOW, does she deliver. I mean, character quirks? Oh, she’s got them. A gathering of 20 wigs, all individually named? Sure. Absolutely inability to pronounce the word ‘baby’? You bet! Unfailing belief in her own singing voice, despite her talent being to the contrary? Of course! But when Moira gets meaningful, whether she’s giving Stevie a pep talk or telling David that Patrick loves him because ‘he sees you, for all that you are’? Then you better got some tissues and get ready to cry tears down your damn neck. Sorry if I just cried immediately while remembering that and then watched this serenading clip twice!

Pros: She would make up a lot of songs about you and your family and that would be pretty cute. Plus, she would take your attempts at dress-ups extremely seriously!

Cons: You would also be underdressed in her company. Plus, those wigs would probably out-rank you. 

Samantha Jones from Sex & The City

HEAR. ME. OUT. News of a Samantha-less re-run, plus my absolute loyalty to the podcast Sentimental in the City, has really made me come around to the idea of a) Samantha Jones being the heart of the series and b) the fact that she would make a good mother of teenagers. Look, would I give her a baby to look after? No. BUT do I think she would make a great mum to teenagers or young adults? Absolutely – she was the most secretly caring of the girls (remember her feeding soup to Carrie after Big leaves her, in that movie we do not speak of?) and she also was the least judgemental (like when Carrie had the affair with Big, sidenote: those characters and their relationship suuuuck). Samantha was very independent and would have made a really good role model as a single parent, and she would have raised sex positive, open-minded, confident young adults. She also never steered away from tricky conversations and she was a great communicator.

Pros: You would get invited to every single event.

Cons: You would get invited to every single event, plus you would have to have some pretty iron-clad boundaries around your handsome male friends being off limits.

Nalini From Never Have I Ever

Wow, I have watched a LOT of television in the last year, that’s what compiling this list is telling me. I normally don’t love a teen-centred show because their glamorous experiences are so far from my own cursed years, but this is a Netflix show about Devi, a horny nerd virgin and my younger self feels right at home with that theme. Of course, now that I am in my mid-30s, I both relate to the younger girl AND her mother, which is the curse that happens to you as you age through pop culture. However, Poorna Jagannathan as Nalini is the most realistic mother figure here because she is as tough as she is loving and that is what you need when you are a hot-headed youth, going about smashing windows and getting bitten by wild dogs! You need someone to embarrass you in front of your crush, lecture you about the rules and tell you not to ‘waste a prayer on world peace’ when you’re going to a religious ceremony, because you should be praying for good marks. This is extremely relatable content and out of all parental figures here, Nalini is the one least likely to accidentally raise a narcissist because she understands the true love language of mums is light criticism.

Pros: You will be unsusceptible to bullies in the workplace because you are used to tough women.

Cons: You will spend a lot of money on regular therapy.

Ted Lasso

An article I read recently about this Apple+ TV show referred to it as a Trojan horse of emotion, in that you think you’re getting a show about a fish out of water scenario and sports, when really you’re getting a master class in leadership, empathy and how to be a good friend. Plus, if that sounds a little worthy, it’s also funny as hell. Ted Lasso physically looks like Ned Flanders come to life, but he’s as progressive as it gets and so whole-hearted, it’s like he was written by Brené Brown and Oprah. He would be DELIGHTED to be referred to as a maternal figure.

Pros: Ted would be your biggest fan and think that you were capable of absolutely everything, ever.

Cons: The pep talks would be numerous and with all that unrelenting love, you will probably become a serial killer.

The Aunts from Practical Magic

This is the greatest movie of all time – I will NOT be taking questions at this time about this – and as I get older, I really relate more and more to the crazy aunts from this movie. Firstly, they dress like Stevie Nicks and that’s all I’ve ever aimed for. Secondly, they have such a kooky reputation that people literally cross the street to get away from them, which is an attitude I will look to cultivate in my next couple of decades. Thirdly, they teach their nieces magic AND they’re the people that everyone in the neighbourhood comes to when they need a spell done. That’s a great social environment to grow up in.

Pros: Chocolate cake for breakfast and no homework, ever! It’s their tagline.

Cons: Everyone you ever love will die because of the old family curse.

Happy Mother’s Day to everyone!

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