Before today virtually none of would have been familiar with the name ‘Andy Bryon’. But now, of course, his name is forever linked to a few other names and words – Kristin Cabot, Chris Martin, Coldplay, kiss cam and an alleged affair – perhaps even ‘divorce’ by the time this week is over…
If you’ve been anywhere near the internet today, you’ll by now be aware of the biggest affair scandal to have happened anywhere on the planet in years. Which is quite the impressive feat, considering that before today, none of us had even heard of the people involved.
But Andy Byron and Kristin Cabot have had one heck of a day, since going to Coldplay (by the looks of it, with a group of colleagues) and have now gone viral for all the wrong reasons.
Here’s that video again if you’re not sick of seeing it – but essentially it shows Andy – the CEO of Astronomer – and Kristin – the HEAD OF HR – canoodling at a Coldplay concert before realising that they’re being beamed up onto the big screen for the cutesy ‘Kiss Cam’ segment of the concert. Except… Andy and Kristin are married to other people, so upon seeing themselves up on that screen they basically jump out of their own skins in an effort to hide. Another woman who works at the company was also in the shot, her face red, her eyes wide and a nervous, shocked smile on her face.
@instaagraace trouble in paradise?? 👀 #coldplay #boston #coldplayconcert #kisscam #fyp ♬ original sound – grace
We’ve talked a lot about affairs and divorces here at Capsule in the past. And, unfortunately, so many of us will be able to put ourselves in the shoes of that CEO’s poor wife, who is living out one of the most humiliating situations to find yourself in, through absolutely no fault of her own.
So… what now for this poor woman?
It’s hard to imagine a worse situation in which to discover your partner has been unfaithful.
Some reports say that she has already changed her name of her Facebook profile to remove his surname.
Can relationships survive an affair?
Affairs are so often dealt with quietly, as people try to deal with the shame, stigma and hurt, privately.
A very public one like this, makes the odds of them staying together smaller – but certainly not impossible. (Hilary and Bill Clinton, anyone?)
The studies on how many couples stay together after an affair are all over the show. There’s a lot of variation, because, well, all relationships are different. If there were problems in a marriage before an affair, they’re much more likely to split after the discovery or admission of that affair.
Men are less likely to divorce when there has been an affair – 61% stay in a relationship after they have been cheated on) whereas only 44% of women stay in a marriage after their husband (or wife) has cheated on them.
The experts we’ve spoken to in the past say right now is the most crucial time for this couple though, if they are to stay together.
“Betrayal is like a tsunami, unexpected and overwhelming, and requires strategies for survival and clean up.” says Steven Dromgol, the Director at Relate, who provide relationship and marriage counselling. “And like a tsunami, betrayal is not the betrayed’s fault”
Steven says that engaging with a counsellor or therapist as soon as possible is always a good idea – preferably within the 48 hours.
“The first few days and weeks after discovering an affair can be overwhelming,” he says. “Many couples feel like their entire world has turned upside down. Therapy during this early crisis phase helps calm your nervous system, process intense emotions, and create immediate emotional safety.”
If you’re interested in hearing more about women who have stayed in a relationship after an affair – here’s a story where four women shared their experiences and tell exactly why they stayed.
Bridgette Jackson, a divorce coach at Equal Exes has seen many, many, many couples after an affair has taken place. Some of those couples go on to divorce, but some manage to stick it out. From everything she’s seen, she now has eight tips for what to do if you are ever cheated on:
- It’s hard to see through the haze of despair when you are told/find out but remember it does not categorically mean that your partnership is over – there needs to be an exploration process of what led up to this happening.
- During this time you must put your health and wellbeing as a priority – do what you need to do to get through this difficult period – spend time/surround yourself with people you love, do things that make you feel happy.
- Seek professional advice. You are in the middle of a crisis so making any major decisions right at this time is not recommended.
- Take every hour and every day as it comes. Managing your emotions through this period is going to be hard. You have to wait for you and your partner’s intense emotions to settle so you can get clarity on what has happened and what are the next steps for both of you.
- What will come next is the insight phase. The key for you both is to, now communicate with each other – openly and honestly. Be transparent with each other. The affair (and surrounding facts) is a by-product of what is actually happening between the two of you.
- The focus needs to be on “WHY has this happened to us as a couple?” There needs to be time for the cheatee to voice their anger and vent. They need to be heard and listened to and voice how they are feeling.
- Therapy plays a crucial part in getting a relationship back on track or at least exploring whether the relationship is actually salvageable. Discussing the ways to remedy the situation you find yourselves in, is important. Many people use their therapy sessions as a forum to do this – calm, quiet, safe place with a professional who can guide you through the process.
- Be patient with each other as it will take time to work through what has happened. Blaming and accusing each other needs to be set aside. The focus needs to be on checking in with each other on a regular basis, communicating effectively and being vulnerable are all building blocks for bringing back the trust that has gone “I’m not sure how to put this but I am feeling sad today about what happened”.
Messy Affairs
Like we mentioned, we’ve heard a lot of stories about affairs in our time.
Here’s five stories in which women also found out in pretty bizarre devastating ways that they’d been cheated on:
“I Found Out From Watching Simone Anderson’s Instagram stories“
Amber was watching Simone Anderson’s stories when she noticed someone wearing a very distinctive dress in the background. She knew immediately it must be her husband’s colleague – she’d talked to her about that dress and it was a one of a kind one from Venice. She rewatched the story and yes, it was definitely her… but she wasn’t alone.
“I can’t believe I recognised her first, and not my husband,” tells Amber. “He was with her. They were walking. Like, next to each other. Like, right next to each other. She was in under his armpit and he had an arm around her. You could see his hand on her waist. I caught my husband cheating on Instagram.”
“My Friend Found Him on Tinder“
Kate’s friend was complaining how difficult it was to actually meet someone on Tinder. She told her there were so many guys now who were clearly married, writing ‘looking for someone to be discreet with’ in their profile. She showed Kate some of them – the last one caught her eye. It was a cropped pic of a man’s bare torso – a torso that looked identical to her husband’s torso. And the background looked very similar to their bathroom – particularly the same cracked tile.
“It was my husband – no doubt about it – it was him. I knew it was him. It had to be our bathroom. And, I mean, after being with someone for a hundred years, you know what their chest looks like.”
“His Girlfriend Contacted Me”
Michelle thought she had a happy marriage until she opened Messenger to find a message from a very upset woman, who turned out to be the girlfriend of her husband. She had met him two years previously, and he had said that he had recently separated from his wife. This woman was devastated when she discovered they were still married and thought Michelle had the right to know.
“She said she never suspected he had a wife who he was still living with, because they’d go out in public together,” says Michelle. “They went to movies! They went out to dinner. He even bloody accompanied her to her cousin’s wedding!”
“My Daughter and I Walked in On Him Having an Affair”
Meg left work and headed straight to her daughter’s school when she got the call that she had developed a temperature. She was in a rush, so didn’t bother calling her husband. They headed home and her six-year-old daughter got out of the car and went ahead to the house as Meg got her bags. As she walked up to the front door, she was shocked to see it was open and her daughter had run inside.
“I started imagining that we were being burgled and she was walking into that, so I ran inside, where I discovered my husband having an affair in our kitchen.”
“He Got My SISTER Pregnant… My Brother Forced Her to Tell Me”
Anne moved to NZ to get away from what happened to her, back in her hometown in the States. She hasn’t spoken to her sister since the day she found out that she was pregnant with Anne’s husband’s baby. She and her husband had separated three months earlier. Her sister was already five months pregnant.
“I didn’t know about it [the affair] until there was a commotion outside my house one day and I looked out the window to see my brother pushing my sister towards my front door,” she tells. “He’d found out she’d been having an affair with my husband and was pregnant, and – essentially – forced her to tell me. We’d been broken up for seven weeks. She was five months pregnant and showing.”
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