We’ve had the incredible honour of getting to share Kim Crossman’s pregnancy journey here at Capsule through her column, Pretty Pregnant. Well, Kim is no longer Pretty Pregnant – two weeks ago she welcomed her precious first baby: a darling little girl. And, Two weeks ago, Kim – staying true to her Type A personality – handed in a story just a day after giving birth, sharing all the twists and turns of her birth (that went completely differently to the way she expected) and, sharing a first look at her gorgeous little girl: Coco Joan. If you haven’t read her first piece, head here to read it now!
Now, Kim is here to update us on she and Coco have been going, postpartum. All the incredible highs, crippling lows, hormone crashes, WILD THINGS THAT OUR BODIES DO POSTPARTUM (both the amazing things, and the truly horrifying and humbling!?) and the unexpected places our minds can take us during postpartum. What a ride it is.
Kim’s also included the best info she’s picked up along this journey – so if you know someone embarking on motherhood, be sure to send this on!
I guess the best place to start is to perhaps paint a picture of what I imagined motherhood would look and feel like, and then share with you the journey that has been the last two weeks. And for anyone following along, yes, I am already crying as I type. Tears seem to be my now common response to all things, good, bad or otherwise.
I guess I thought motherhood for me would be a bit more carefree. I worked so hard in my pregnancy to really be at peace and bake my baby in metaphorical golden light; at putting my mindset first and being incredibly intentional about having good vibes and good intentions daily. And although some days this was more challenging than others, I do feel like I did a really good job.
To say that has gone out the window since giving birth is an understatement, haha.
I pictured myself having even more confidence in motherhood than in pregnancy. Being able to rely on my instincts and intuition, and to approach hurdles with a sense of calm and knowing of what to do. I did often cite delusion as my drug of choice going into this journey. Positive delusion. And whilst I think that is still the goal, I feel there have been a few hurdles that have rocked my confidence, which caused me to spiral a bit.
I felt it was important to share that journey here, and more importantly to share what I have done and who I have sought help from, for anyone else who might walk this path. I would also love your help, support and recommendations if you are reading this and have already started, or are well on your motherhood journey.
To set the stage, in case you didn’t read my last blog, Coco’s birth was perfect. Was it anything like I had planned? Entirely not. But I do not feel traumatised by my birth story in any way. We had to pivot at almost every step and I was actively part of every conversation and decision. I want again to thank my team on the day, Dr Richard Pole (yes, Dr Dick Pole haha,) and Sally my midwife, and my family and friends and amazing husband, who gave me grace, space and time to decide which path we would take.
The day was chaotic, fun, dramatic, and probably fitting for an attention loving actress like me. We leaned into the drama and were cracking jokes throughout the process. Perfect.
The moments after the birth are where this next chapter of motherhood begins:
My recovery.
I think that first night was the first knock to my confidence. Because I had a catheter and was in need of fluids while my epidural wore off, I was in pain from an episiotomy and a 3a tear. Although I initially nailed the latching, I was in a lot of pain trying to hold Coco. When the amazing nurses entered in the morning in the Tamaki ward at Auckland Hospital, I burst into tears.
I pictured myself being able to hold my baby with ease and be able to look at her, but I could barely sit up.
It hurt to bend my arms and I felt a little out of it from all the medication. I think one of the hardest things I am working through is feeling not myself in my own body post birth. I felt so powerful pregnant, like this superhero. Post birth, I have felt limited, puffy, a bit out of it at times, and unfamiliar. I didn’t realise I had expectations of what post birth would look like until it happened, and I felt like I was far from the bliss I had desired.
We then transferred to Birthcare. In all honesty, going to Birthcare was a topic of conversation a few times in our marriage, as unlike most, Tom and I are exceptionally lucky to have a huge amount of support, as humans in general, but also with Coco. I know so many have to do it on their own or with limited help, and I want to flag our privilege here. We live at home with my parents when we are in NZ, and due to the time of year we were having Coco, friends and family from overseas and local family members were either wrapping up work or school for the year. We are inundated with support and do not take it for granted.
So going to Birthcare seemed like something that would be nice if we could afford it, but not initially on our ‘must-do’ list. However, on reflection, I want to shout it from the rooftops how impactful, helpful and necessary the Birthcare stay was for me. Especially if you have a more spicy birth like I did that requires some of your own healing. The staff, special mention to Anne and Claire, who at different points were either up with us in the night helping with feeding, helping calm me after a panic attack, or just being there to encourage me, educate me, or offer suggestions for alternative things or positions when it came to a hurdle. They never told me what to do. They simply were there to support and help, 24-hours a day, if I needed it. Which I did.
On about day three, I stayed up all night with Coco, feeding her, rocking her back and forth, walking the hallway with her in my arms, and felt like I would get some kind of gold star in the morning for my dedication to motherhood. The sacrifice of sleep to feed my baby. It felt like I was being called to nourish her, and I listened to my instincts.
The next day, Coco was weighed and she came in above the normal weight loss range, and the conversation turned to intervention. This was the exact moment I lost my confidence.
I understand babies lose weight initially, but I thought I was going to get a gold star, and instead my actions caused me and my baby to be exhausted. That’s what confused me. I thought I was doing the right thing, the thing I felt called to do, yet instead I had just made us both tired. Now we were having conversations about formula and helping my poor baby who was hungry.
I know I am being hard on myself, and it was one night, and it’s not a big deal, etc etc. But I have a history of self blame and negative self talk, and paired with lack of sleep and feeling like I had failed my baby, it was a cocktail of yuckness that shook my confidence. I am just rebuilding it now. I also caused myself and my stitches some damage from being upright all night and putting pressure on them, so I really didn’t do a great job on any front.
We headed home a few days later. Me, fearful that my maternal instincts and intuition might fail not only me, but also Coco. But apparently you can’t live at Birthcare full-time (I did ask!), so we needed to embark on the next adventure:
Heading home.
Well, the first night I will always remember as the most humbling of my moments of motherhood thus far: The night I shat myself.
Something I have managed to go almost thirty something years without doing. You won’t be surprised, I am sure, that as a woman I was able to get everything sorted for Coco’s journey home, yet managed to overlook my own medication needs and prescriptions. At Birthcare, the amazing staff bring you any meds you are on, when you are due them. I completely overlooked that I would now be in charge of my own healing journey.
Around midnight, when I was in a lot of pain trying to feed, I had a moment of realisation that I was in fact shitting myself in bed.
I yelled to Mum, “Mum, Mum, I’m shitting myself.” She ran in and, bless her heart, with a calm and loving voice said, “That’s okay my darling, it’s very normal to be scared.”
A pause. I then yelled, “No, take the baby. I am literally shitting myself.”
I coin this my welcome to motherhood moment. As between friends, these are the moments that really earn you motherhood badges of honour. When your dignity has left the building and you are completely exposed.
Next on the agenda, I coined operation bring in the milk. My pos-tcare midwife, Cathy from HolisticBaby, firstly deserves a medal for being such a rockstar, meeting me where I am and adjusting her care to cater to what Coco and I need in every moment. Cathy noticed that I seemed a little cold, physically and spiritually, when she saw me at home, and she knew how important it is to me to give breastfeeding a go.
I am not in any way opposed to formula if baby needs it. It is more because of the nomadic lifestyle I lead and what our journey as a family will look like that the ease of breastfeeding is something I would love to be able to do. Please note I now know breastfeeding is anything but easy, but humour me for a moment.
Cathy suggested I try acupuncture to move some of the stagnant energy in my body, help with flow, and also bring back some warmth to my body and soul. Enter Tineke Logan from Ora Acupuncture. I have been referring to life before Coco was earth side as life BC, and before Coco was with us here, I had done acupuncture a few times to work on bringing warmth to my body and womb. I believe that played a huge role in being able to conceive naturally.
So I was super open to another session to help me bring back some of that warmth and help with flow to bring in my milk supply. One of the things I did share with Cathy and Tineke was my sort of ‘aha moment’ post acupuncture. I think part of the postpartum hormones and the rollercoaster of this new chapter had some concerning similarities to when I was pretty unwell mentally in 2019, with my first real spell of severe depression.
I was tested early by Cathy for PND, and I don’t feel depressed. But the feeling of not being in control of my emotions felt, and still feels, very similar to the physical feeling and lack of control I have previously felt in a different setting. I think that is what was underlying and freaking me out. The acupuncture helped me realise this. It provided a bit of space in my brain for the clouds to part slightly so I could have some clarity of thought, and it also physically made me feel less stagnant and more connected to my body.
Now to Miss Coco, and my physical healing. Enter Haley from OSTEOh. Thanks to so many of you who reached out when I shared my slow milk supply and suggested seeing an osteo. Often with a long labour or instrumental birth, certain feeding positions can be uncomfortable for baby because of their journey and birth experience.
Many people shared that after weeks of trying different things, seeing an osteo really changed their feeding journey, and something they wished they had done sooner. The amazing Hayley was able to check Coco, and although she has some jaw tightness resulting in a shallow latch, she is otherwise moving well, which is a great thing to rule out and not keep me up at night.
She also checked me, as she works with the pelvic floor too, and we have a bit of a plan after I heal a bit more over the next few weeks and stay horizontal as much as possible.
My milk is coming in, yay! I am at the party just a little later than most, as Cathy put it. So any other tips or tricks for keeping the flow, please send me a message. I read them all, and so much of the great advice I am able to action, so I really appreciate the generosity.
I also want to share with you all the nursery and will go into more detail on what we love and have purchased and why in my next blog. We were a bit taken aback by the early arrival of Miss Coco, but I did want to share a few tips from my friend Hannah from Simplify My Home, who was pivotal in helping us get things set up in an organised way before Coco arrived. I am so thankful for her vision and expertise.
She sent me sixteen tips for setting up a nursery and kindly said I should share them here as something you can all have as a resource. We didn’t have a lot to spend on anything elaborate, and because we will be a somewhat nomadic family, I wanted to create a space that felt warm, not overwhelming, and easy to navigate. I think we have nailed it.
Nursery tips
- Set up a night feed trolley next to your feeding chair. Create an easy to access area when feeding. Night time feeds are tiring and you often need multiple items within arm’s reach. A tiered trolley beside your feeding chair is a great and efficient way to store your essential nighttime supplies. In the trolley or caddy, create an area for burp cloths, feeding pillow, nipple cream, snacks and your water bottle. Make this part of your evening routine. Restock and ensure you have everything you need so your night time feeds are calm and you are not stressed trying to find items during the night.
- Add soft lighting at the change table. A touch lamp or dim night light near the change table gives you enough visibility for night changes without overstimulating your baby.
- Organise baby clothes by size. Use hanging wardrobe dividers with sizes on them, or drawer inserts to separate clothing by size, preventing lost outfits and avoiding your baby outgrowing items unseen.
- Maximise wardrobe space with over the door storage. An over the door hanging organiser creates vertical storage for wipes, nappies, swaddles, shoes and accessories without occupying floor space.
- Use labelled baskets for every category. Separate everything into labelled baskets such as pram accessories, bath items, medical supplies, nappies and wipes so items are sortable, portable and easy to access.
- Stock up on nappies and wipes but store them smartly. Keep two weeks worth of nappies on hand, store extras in a back stock basket, and keep daily essentials near the changing station.
- Use old school cloth nappies as bedding protectors. Fold a cloth nappy into a rectangle and place it under your baby’s head to catch spills, allowing you to swap just the cloth instead of changing full bedding.
- Create a mum essentials basket for postpartum care. Include nipple creams, shields, breast pads, snacks, lip balm and a full water bottle. Keep it beside your feeding chair or in a portable basket.
- Create a one handed drawer. A drawer containing wipes, a onesie, a muslin and a dummy helps when one hand is holding the baby.
- Use a two basket laundry system. One for everyday washing and one for soiled clothing needing soaking later.
- Keep a spare outfit kit ready. Use a zip pouch with a full spare outfit, nappy and muslin for quick changes at home or on the go.
- Rotate toys and books monthly once your baby is a wee bit older. Store extras in labelled baskets to avoid overstimulation and maintain a calm environment.
- Use under cot storage. Flat storage bins keep large clothing sizes, spare bedding or keepsakes organised.
- Install hooks behind the wardrobe door. Perfect for swaddles, daily outfits, baby carriers or a nappy bag.
- Have a weekly restock routine. Spend five minutes restocking nappies, wipes, bath supplies and mum essentials to stay organised.
- Keep a too small clothing basket. Place outgrown clothes directly into a labelled basket to avoid clutter.
Thank you to everyone who is walking this path with me and engaging and offering support, tips, comfort or ideas. I wasn’t expecting this path to open up in the beautiful way it has, but the love and support from everyone, especially other mothers, women on a journey to motherhood, aunties, friends and support people, has been overwhelming.
I have felt so much love and encouragement, and both Coco, Tom and I are forever in debt to you all. It feels like we are all raising Coco together. How magical is that.
Thank you
X
Images – Ayeesha Taylor @ayshandhamish
