Welcome to A Letter To, where some of our most well-known Kiwis, as well as everyday heroes, will be penning letters about a topic close to their hearts. Some of their names you will know very well, while others will be kept anonymous to protect the privacy of the subjects. Whether it’s a letter to a specific someone, or a group of people, or simply an open letter to broach a difficult subject, each will be very different but all will share one common thread – they will all be written from the heart. This month we hear from a single mum who has written a very personal letter to her friends as she navigates the end of her marriage, and what she wishes people, however well-meaning, would stop saying to her. Here is her beautiful letter:
You’ve listened to hours of conversations as we unpack grief and anger. You’ve supported us through the obvious initial loneliness and shock that comes when a marriage ends; and you’ve been there through the various phases of drinking, exercise and goal setting that inevitably comes next.
But throughout all of that, there is one misstep that so many happily coupled-up friends take . . .
Please, please stop telling single parents “it must be nice to have a break from your kids”.
No matter how distant your separation is in the rearview mirror, these words never get easier to hear. Because the reality is no, it is not nice. In fact, absolutely horrible.
While the relentlessness of solo parenting is very real and single parents certainly need a respite, the reality of sharing your kids forever more – particularly if a separation was not of your choosing – is acutely painful.
Because splitting time with your children also means halving the beautiful moments.
The moments of celebration and success, of support and love. You miss out on adventures and excitement, playdates and dinners out, achievements and family gatherings.
When your friends are getting together for end of term celebrations, camping trips or events, you must calmly reply to the WhatsApp group that “sorry, I don’t have the kids that weekend” and then go about your day knowing you are, yet again, missing out.
Yes, you could go along regardless without your children, but the truth is that sometimes, it hurts too much to see your friends with their kids when yours are not with you.
When the years are short, co-parenting makes them even shorter. Half the time means half the Christmases, half the birthdays and half the holidays. Half the Easter egg hunts, half the magic.
You miss the details. Moments you probably once took for granted – hearing about their day, what happened at school, and how guitar, dancing, football practise went. All those small moments that are shaping the little person your child is becoming.
At some point in any co-parenting set up, you will experience empty beds where softly snoring little bodies should be. No one to check on before you turn out the lights and head to bed yourself.
Time is all the more precious and fleeting when you only have every second weekend. So, you hug them twice as long, give in to them more and curse the minutes, hours and days for ticking by as they should.
All co-parenting parents know the sense of relief that comes with the first hug when your child arrives home to you. It’s as though you can stop holding your breath and finally breathe freely once again.
So, when someone – no matter how well-meaning – says a variation of “it must be nice to have a break from the kids”, we can only plaster a fake smile on our faces and nod along.
We know you don’t understand, and we don’t want you to – it’s a brutal reality we wouldn’t wish upon anyone.
We know you’re comparing it to your once-in-a-blue-moon weekends away from the kids where you relish the novelty of adult time. But please know, co-parenting is not the same.
So, the next time a co-parenting friend, colleague or family member is without their child/ren, a better question is “how are you doing without the kids?”.
They’ll thank you for it.