Are you climbing the corporate ladder? Looking to build a meaningful career? Wondering if you really can have it all? Dr Amanda Sterling is an expert on women in leadership in NZ after literally doing a PhD on the subject. Here, she shares her thoughts.
Welcome to our column, A Letter To… Some of our most well-known Kiwis and everyday heroes pen letters about a topic close to their hearts. Some of their names you will know very well, while other’s are kept anonymous to protect the privacy of the subjects. Whether it is a letter to a specific someone, or a group of people, or simply an open letter to broach a difficult subject, each letter is very different, but all will share one common thread; they will all be written from the heart. You can read our other letters here.
This month leadership consultant and researcher Dr Amanda Sterling talks to us about what she’s learned about ‘having it all’ after doing a PhD on women in leadership, and then two years surveying over 600 women in leadership roles across NZ. Here, she shares what her research has taught her and what actually makes a difference for women…
You’ve probably been told, at some point, that you can have it all – a meaningful career, fulfilling relationships, a family (if you want one), financial independence, and a seat at the table.
In many ways, you can achieve these things. But what you might not have been told, is that ‘having it all’ is not just about how capable you are – it’s about the conditions around you, the environments you choose, and the people you build a life with.
After doing a PhD on women in leadership, and then two years surveying over 600 women in leadership roles across New Zealand, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what actually makes a difference for women. Especially for those who advance, and those who quietly step away. Because despite all the progress we like to celebrate, women still face significant barriers in their careers. The challenges might be less visible, but they’re no less real.
You might find yourself in a workplace that talks a big game on inclusion, but still rewards long hours, constant availability, and a version of leadership that hasn’t evolved in decades.
You might also be looking up to the women who have reached senior roles, and seeing the personal cost it’s taken to get there. A cost that you’re not willing – or even able – to pay.
So you start to question all of it. Not your ambition, but the system itself. That’s not personal failure; that’s awareness of what you’re up against.
One of the biggest myths I see is that success is purely individual. If you work hard enough, make the right moves, and stay resilient, you’ll get there. But the reality is far more complex, your career is shaped by factors that sit both inside and outside your control.
The manager who backs you, or doesn’t.
The flexibility your workplace genuinely offers, or quietly penalises.
The leadership opportunities you’re given, or overlooked for.
And, perhaps most importantly, the person you choose to build a life with.
That last one still surprises people. But it shouldn’t.
Because behind every sustainable career is a support system. For many women, your partner’s willingness to share the mental load, support career decisions, and actively enable growth is not just helpful – it’s critical.
You can be exceptionally talented, driven, and capable. But if your personal environment is working against you, your path becomes exponentially harder. The same is true professionally.
You don’t need to stay loyal to systems that aren’t designed for you. You are allowed to choose workplaces that align with your life – not force your life to contort around.
So my advice to you is to look for the signals, not just the slogans.
Who gets promoted and why?
Who thrives and who leaves?
Is flexibility truly supported or subtly sidelined?
Are leaders modelling sustainable success or burnout?
These are the things that will shape your experience far more than any policy statement.
It’s also worth asking yourself different questions as you climb your career ladder – not just “How do I get there?” but “What do I want it to look like when I do?” Because success that costs you your wellbeing, your relationships, or your sense of self is not success – it’s sacrifice.
There is another way.
The women in my research who were progressing were not necessarily doing more, they were doing things differently. They had supportive managers who advocated for them; they worked in environments that allowed flexibility without penalty; they had access to leadership development that prepared them for the next step; and, they had support at home that made it all sustainable.
None of this is accidental. It’s structural.
So as you navigate your own path, I want you to remember this:
You are not just building a career, you are building a life, and that means being intentional about where you invest your energy.
Choose workplaces that see you as a whole person, not just a performer.
Choose leaders who lift you, not test your endurance.
Choose partners who stand beside you, not behind your ambition.
Most importantly, choose a version of success that actually works for you.
Because the goal is not just to make it to the top, it’s to still recognise yourself when you do.