For a decade Hayden Panettiere has dealt with cruel speculation around why she gave full custody over to her former partner and father of her daughter, Wladimir Klitschko. Now, Hayden has penned a memoir, detailing the traumatic birth of her daughter, the depths of the postpartum depression she experienced in the years that followed, and her battle with alcohol.
TW: Postpartum Depression, Alcoholism, Traumatic Birth
Hayden Panettiere has opened up about her traumatic birth experience and consequent battle with postpartum depression, which led to her giving up custody of her daughter.
The 36-year-old first revealed her harrowing journey into motherhood in her new memoir, This Is Me: A Reckoning.
Speaking to CBS News’ Gayle King about her experience birthing her now 11-year-old daughter Kaya, whom she shares with her former fiance Ukrainian boxer Wladimir Klitschko, the actress revealed, “I had a really rough birth to the point where I almost didn’t make it through.
“And then the postpartum depression started. There I am with this beautiful, healthy, beautiful baby girl and this very fortunate life, and I could not for the life of me be happy.
“I was so depressed.”
A Traumatic Birth
In her new book, Hayden describes just how traumatic the birth was, describing that during her C-section, doctors reportedly called a “code crimson” after her blood would not clot and her uterus became infected, leading to a three-hour surgery.
Following the surgery, she found that bonding with her daughter initially felt like “an insurmountable task.”
“I’d always heard that mothers feel an instant rush of love the moment they lay their eyes on their baby, but I felt nothing,” she writes, detailing how she felt isolated and overwhelmed after giving birth.
“Alcohol didn’t become my enemy until after Kaya was born,” she writes.
“It’s 6 a.m.,” she remembers thinking. “And I’m trying to get drunk.”
“My first thought in the morning was about alcohol,” she continues. “Not my child, not my job, and not the rest of my life. I needed a drink to function — at 6:00 a.m. — and that was f—-ed.”
When her daughter was four months old, she entered a treatment facility where she was diagnosed with postpartum depression – something she’d never really heard about.
It’s known that having experiencing a traumatic birth increases your chances of developing postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety.
A Complex Dynamic
The Nashville star said her postpartum experience was very different from the version of motherhood she had envisioned for herself.
“I had all these ideas in my head of what I wanted to do as a mum, as a parent. I think I was also scared because of what my mum did to me that I might do that to my child.”
Hayden has been open about her relationship with her mother and former manager Lesley Vogel, with the star having been on screen since she was eleven months old.
At age 19, she ended her business relationship with her mother, which also led to the breakdown of their mother-daughter relationship.
After being unable to deal with her mental health issues and motherhood together, Hayden signed over custody of Kaya to Wladimir, 50, in 2018.
In the memoir, Hayden shares the heartbreaking events that led to her finally agreeing to the custody agreement. She details the eventual collapse of her relationship with Wladimir, including the day when he handed her custody papers.
“I want full custody,” she recalls him telling her. “I worry about Kaya when she’s with you.”
She defended herself, and reiterates that at no time was Kaya unsafe with her – particularly as she was always surrounded by loving caregivers, but ultimately she chose not to pursue a lengthy international custody battle while in early recovery.
“I remember every second of that day. Every f—king second,” she writes. “No mother could forget a single thing about the day she signed her child away.”
Only adding to her trauma, was the fact the news made international headlines, with many of them making cruel assumptions about Hayden and the hefty decision.
“The idea that anybody would think that I would just give away my child and be OK with it is heartbreaking,” she recently said on Jay Shetty’s “On Purpose” podcast. “It couldn’t be further from the truth. It became this horrible cycle for years of battling depression and anxiety and alcoholism and substance abuse, and just me trying to find my way back.”
The actress says she keeps in touch with Kaya, who lives with her father in Ukraine.
“I’m so blessed to have a great relationship with her. I fly over there as much as I can. I’m on FaceTime with her all the time,” said the actress.
“She’s now 11-years-old and she’s calling mummy more and more,” she said, with the pre-teen now becoming a fan of her mum’s character, cheer captain Britney Allen, in her 2006 film Bring It On: All or Nothing.
“She actually FaceTimed me the other day and she calls me Britney. She goes, ‘Hey Britney.’ It took me a second, and then I realised she was talking about Bring It On. Because her friends are fans of Bring It On.’
“She’s now asking me to Zoom with her friends. So, I’m cool now,” the chuffed mum said.
This article was reproduced with permission from 9Honey. Additional reporting by Capsule. To read the original article, click here.
Hayden’s memoir, This Is Me: A Reckoning, is out now.
WHERE TO GO FOR HELP:
- PlunketLine – call 0800 933 922 or text 1737 (24/7)
PADA is a great place to turn to for support at www.pada.nz. - Mother’s Helpers 0800 002 717
- Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Aotearoa (PADA) (+64) 04 461 6318
- Post Natal Distress Support Network Trust: 09 8464978 (great Auckland area only)
- 1737, Need to talk? Free call or text 1737 any time for support from a trained counsellor
- Anxiety New Zealand – 0800 ANXIETY (0800 269 4389)
- APP – Action on Postpartum Psychosis – The charity for mums and families affected by postpartum psychosis