Kelly Meharg examines her own relationship with the word ‘feminist’ and asks – is it even possible to have it all in a society that increasingly wants us to have less? Here’s her issues with modern-day feminism.
OPINION
‘Are You a Feminist?’
Never has a question been so loaded, so simple but so complicated, so redundant but so relevant. Well for me, anyway.
I had a LOT of apprehension about writing this story because even the word ‘feminism’ brings with it so many differing ideas, opinions and levels of passion, rage and thought.
My answer to that question is, of course, I am a feminist. I believe in equality, equity and fairness, and I think, just as the traditional definition of ‘feminist’ states, that women should have the exact same rights as anyone else. Of course we should choose our own paths, be able to make our own decisions for our own bodies, and receive the same opportunities and privileges as men.
I mean, duh. I co-own a very pro-feminist lifestyle platform. I am a walking definition of the word, with my own company and career, a 34-year-old child-free woman who is in control over every aspect of my life. Yay for the feminist woman!
According to a poll we ran on our Instagram page, 74% of our readers consider themselves feminists.
Fifty-five per cent, when asked what they think of when they hear the word ‘feminist’, reckon it’s about equality between the genders, whereas 33% replied ‘women taking their power back’.
But Jesus, it’s bloody hard sometimes. Is true feminism, equality and equity possible? Or have we, as women, accidentally saddled ourselves with 100% of the mental load trying to do it all and have it all, ignoring our body clocks and inescapable biology, while running ourselves into the ground. And, is THIS why so many women are turning back to more traditional roles, simply because it’s easier?
My thoughts? I think feminism is in trouble – and we have to figure out how to fix it, because it’s too important to ignore.
Be careful what you wish for?
Before you jump down my throat on this one, hear me out because gals, I really am trying to be a good sister and feminist here. But we can’t ignore the fact that things are more than a but fucked for us right now.
As I mentioned above, the traditional definition of feminism, the ones that our heroes and icons in the 60s and 70s fought for, was for equal rights between the sexes. If women wanted to leave the kitchen in search of a career then darls, off you go, tout suite! YOU choose if and when you want to pop out babies! And no, your husband DOESN’T get to call all the shots at home. Simple, easy, effective, no?
Well, no. Because society, and its structure, never got the bloody memo – and in fact, in 2025, as we’ve all seen through pay parity inequality, the attack on women’s reproductive rights and everything in between, times are TOUGH.
So much of how the world is run is still based on how life was 80 years ago. The workday is still 9-5, yet school is 8.30-3, because it’s assumed there’s a parent available to do pick ups and drop offs because SURELY Mum is home to sort it all.
Then there’s issues like the cost of childcare – frightening – mixed with pay inequity that, for some women, makes it illogical to return to the workplace because they’ll be financially WORSE off.
And that’d before we get to the actual reality for so many of us – the fact that we, whether we want to or not, take on so much of the household and family mental load, no matter how well-meaning our partners are, or how you split your household admin.
Here’s an example: your six-year-old needs new shoes. You’ve known this for weeks, so you’ve figured out what size you need to buy (keeping in mind growth spurts and cost-per-wear), you know exactly what store you’re going to, you know what type and colour you need and you know they definitely need to have Bluey pictures on them somewhere, because that’s what your kid is into at the moment and they won’t wear anything else.
Does your partner even know your child needs new shoes? And if they do, do they know all of the above, or are you going to get three phone calls from the mall, get frustrated that you have to do EVERYTHING yourself and slam your phone down in a huff, muttering that it would have just been easier if you did it yourself?
That, my queen, is the mental load problem. And 55% of our readers who answered our poll agreed that they are still expected, or just end up doing, the bulk of the household tasks (22% said no, and 24% said sometimes).
Even little things remind us woman that the professional workplace wasn’t designed for us. Are you always cold in your office? It’s because most air conditioners are set at an ‘ideal’ temperature that was based on male body data.
It’s like they want us to be stressed, poor AND cold. And 84% of you agreed in our poll.
I don’t think I’m harping on about anything you don’t know here, but it’s bloody hard to be a working woman when there is such a severe lack of structural support to enable us to actually do all these things. I
Is it any wonder we’re seeing the rise of exhausted, over-it women?
The rise of the Trad Wives and the old-school values
Here we arrive at the rise of the Tradwife, a well-documented social movement that’s seen more and more younger women eschew ‘progressive’ ideals and instead turn back to more ‘traditional’ roles within the home and within (straight, and let’s be honest, often religious) marriages.
Influencers such as Nara Smith and Alena Kate Petitt have glamourised the idea of the Tradwife, a big step further than a stay-at-home-mum (literally the hardest job in the world) or homemaker, where as well as those more ‘traditional’ household roles are adhered to, the movement goes further to implore women to remain submissive to their husbands in all matters of their relationship and running their household.
TikTok Tradwives pump out videos such as, ‘How to attract a masculine man’, ‘How to look more feminine’ and ‘Yes and No’s of being feminine in your relationship’. They’re the immaculately dressed, baking everything from scratch with three seemingly perfect kind of women – and, like their sourdough, they’re on the rise.
Women are turning to this way of life, it seems and according to the experts in the field, because they’re after a more simple way of living in the face of huge social and geopolitical upheaval, as well as the pressures of careers, inequities and, of course, the mental load.
Essentially, they’re bloody tired, they realise they’ll never even get to that glass ceiling, let alone smash it and they think, stuff it.
Do we have to accept that feminism hasn’t worked out the way we wanted it to? That there is no true 50/50 because until something radical changes, we, women, will ALWAYS be doing more for less? And that has led to so many challenges – mum guilt; pay inequity that leads to reduced retirement savings which, in turn, leads to dependence on others; workplace inequality and direct disadvantages due to maternity leave. It’s so demoralising and, honestly, it makes me ask, is it worth it?! We’re supposed to be able to have it all. Can we, really, at least all at the same time, without completely and utterly burning out?
Causes and symptoms – the branding problem, the far right nutcases and why are young men repelled by feminism?
“Folks don’t identify with feminism because there is a misunderstanding of what it is,” says Sheila Sampath, editorial and art director of the Toronto-based feminist magazine Shameless. “[To them,] it can mean the ‘I hate men’ sitcom-y thing, or have the kind of nuance that trans activists bring to their work. It’s everything along that spectrum.”
Feminism, for sure, has a branding problem – one that’s been grabbed onto by absolute dickhead losers such as Andrew Tate to further their own misogyny and hate.
Instead of its traditional definition, opponents of feminism have weaponised the word to mean a women-first idea – man-hating, radical left-wing women with body hair and a chip on their shoulder.
Studies in the UK have shown that 16-29 year old men have more negative views of feminism than men in their 60s (wild), and that one in five have a positive view of Tate.
Equality has always been a threatening concept for those in power who seek to stay there on the backs of hard-working women.
Where does this leave us?
Honestly, I’m not sure – but I think, after all of the above ramblings, I’m trying to say that it’s ok to have a complicated relationship with feminism, while still maintaining you are on because it’s not a perfect word, nor is it a perfect movement – it hasn’t been from the start and all through its three waves.
It’s about recognising the fact that, until society is structured if not sympathetically, then at least better, it’s going to remain hard to reap the rewards of the ability to have it all.
But also, maybe we have to look at ourselves because we have all been furiously trying to fit the mould of the perfect feminist, and that in and of itself can be exhausting. I was chatting with Capsule columnist Brodie Kane about this story to get a bit of an outside perspective, and she made the fabulous point that feminism means so many different things to so many different people depending on our upbringings and our backgrounds. But we are also all women, and as a group we do tend to overthink, to overanalyse and overcomplicate – and we’ve put so many labels on things, it’s hard to figure out where we fit as a ‘good feminist’.
“Maybe we do need a control-alt-delete,” she told me. “We’ve put so much added pressure on ourselves with it all. Actually, reading this has reminded me what it’s all about it in the first place – equality.”
Do I have a solution? Omg queen, I wish! But for now, I think – for me anyway – it’s looking at the idea that, if you’re struggling in one area of your life because we now think we have to be doing it all – the kick-ass career, the perfect family, the thriving social life and the lucrative side-hustle – then it’s not a you-problem, it’s a system problem.
And maybe, if we’re all a little kinder to ourselves in the process, we’ll be able to work out just what it is we all want and need a little better. Or at least, we’ll be slightly less exhausted. I’ll take that.
What do you think? Let’s start a conversation – join us on Instagram @capsule_nz
