Seriously terrified of having kids? So is Capsule writer Vivien Beduya, who has been UNBELIEVABLY clucky lately. But it’s not lost on her that having children comes with HUGE changes and sacrifices. She has a laundry list of things that terrify her about motherhood… but that won’t stop her from wanting kids in the near future!
I will never forget being forced to watch an “educational” film of a woman giving birth in a high school biology class.
Her legs spread, hands clutching the hospital bed rails as she screamed in pain.
So, there’s the pain element to worry about. Not to mention, the several doctors and nurses seeing your coochie?! I decided from that video on, it’s not for me. It being children.
“I’ll never have a tiny human crawl out of my vagina,” I’d say jokingly to friends and family. To which my mama would say, “It’s not exactly ‘crawling’ out…”
But the mental picture of that poor woman, all sweaty and exhausted from child labour, is seared into my brain. Even in past relationships, I would struggle envisioning children in my future.
Then when I met my partner, who I knew from the get-go would be a great father, my ovaries started screaming “have my babies!!!!”
But like… not right away. As excited as I am to post a cryptic pregnancy announcement with Sabrina Carpenter’s Juno lyrics as the caption – One of me is cute, but two though? – I’ve recently learnt the world is not kind to mothers.
The World isn’t Built for Mothers
Blissfully ignorant to how truly unfair life is to mothers, the only reason I was so terrified of having kids growing up was because of that damn video and how painful childbirth looked. (NO THANK YOU TO MY BIOLOGY TEACHER.)
AND Capsule’s Kelly has made me aware that there are FOUR DEGREES OF VAGINAL TEARS?
It was also drilled in me that women past 30, or at most 35, would be considered a high-risk pregnancy. I’m turning 30 this year and I’m lowkey scared for what pregnancy will be for me because of this.
But now that I’m seriously thinking about kids, I now see how much sacrifice (and how many risks!) women have to endure because of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood.
Women already have to deal with the gender pay gap, but women’s careers and pockets get penalised even more so when you become a mother. (Definitely read the Motherhood Penalty Series by Capsule writer Sarah Lang if you haven’t yet!)
That does not sit straight with me at all, because I’ve always loved being a career woman. When I was a kid, instead of daydreaming about THE PERFECT WEDDING, I’d dream of having a fulfilling and successful career instead.
So of course there’s no way I’m giving up my career just because I want children, but it seems to be near-impossible to do both from the stories I hear and read.
With the rising cost of living and expensive childcare, it’ll be so expensive to raise children and give them a good life. Plus out-of-touch politicians have the audacity to say we should birth more babies.
Then there’s another thing that a lot of mothers have woken up to: The Damn Mental Load. I already have some form of mental load to make sure things around the house get done, and you’re telling me that gets even worse when we have babies?!
And I just have to squeeze this in here… But… there’s also a risk to your life. It’s really scary to hear a few of my friends’ near-death experiences during labour due to unforeseen complications.
Add all that up… Who wouldn’t be terrified?!
The World might NOT be Kind to Our Children too…
Climate change. Over-population. The rise of fascism. Racism. Equity. The list goes on…
The state of the world genuinely stresses me out. From the political climate we’re in, both in Aotearoa and globally, to the growing environmental and societal issues.
I have once wondered… Is it even ethical to have children?
Then there’s the racism. Being a Filipino immigrant, I’ve had my fair share of racist experiences. Some moments I can easily let go of, while others have left a mark on me.
I know these experiences are not isolated to just me. So it also makes me slightly fearful about what this means for my children.
Late last year, I did a story on Re: News about the Ministry of Ethnic Communities’ Ethnic Evidence report.
It found that ethnic young people still faced widespread racist bullying and often felt like they didn’t belong.
That genuinely terrified me. I can handle my own, but what about my future kids? I won’t be there 24/7 to protect them from this.
This is also front of mind about decisions my partner and I make. For example, we were thinking of moving outside of Tāmaki Makaurau, to a pre-dominantly white town.
My first thought was, “Will our future kids experience racism here? Will they be safe? What kind of schools are around? Will the school know how to respond to racist bullying?”
I STILL Really Want Children
Look, I can go on and on about this list of why I’m flipping petrified of being a mother. (I haven’t even talked about how the cost of freezing your eggs in New Zealand is about $13,000?!)
Quite frankly, I don’t really have advice for you, because we’re not trying for a baby just yet. (Maybe you’ll have advice for me?! Slide through the inbox, I welcome them!)
All I know is that I really want children and I feel ready for it. I can’t explain the feeling – I just know I will LOVE THEM with all of my being, and I want to give them the best lives my partner and I could possibly give them.
