Kelly Bertrand hosts the Briscoes Lady – otherwise known as Tammy Wells – at her place for a cuppa and a chat, and has a mild panic attack about the state of her tea towels.
After a long career as a journalist in New Zealand, there are few Kiwi celebs I get star-struck around. I’ve been to countless All Black weddings, fancy TV awards and even a few (weird) A-list shindigs, and nothing and no one really fazes me anymore.
Until I saw the bloody Briscoes Lady walking up the front steps of my house, and I had to work really hard not to squeal out loud.
I, at the age of 34, literally haven’t lived in a world without her on the telly. She’s been the face of Briscoes for an incredible 36 years, following a successful career as a sound engineer in radio. In that time she’s had two children and, as of next year, she’ll be a grandmother. In these times of incredible divide, she remains one of those gloriously Kiwi things that seems to unite us all. If you’re a New Zealander, then you, for some reason, love the Briscoes Lady.
I’d received an email a few days before that the Briscoes Lady – ‘Tammy’ to her friends and real-life people – was keen to pop around to chat all things Christmas and my god, I can’t tell you how jazzed I was to host her in my house. That was, until the panic set in.
Would she judge my non-matching mugs? What about the ratty tea towels? How fluffy should the cushions be? This is a woman who presumably knows everything there is to know about homewares and linens and Manchester and OH MY GOD I’ll have to make her a cup of tea…
Believe me, I dusted places I didn’t even realise we had. The carpet got not one but two vacuums. I spent a good 20 minutes thinking about what Christmas candle to light. But soon, looking immaculate and impossibly cherry for first thing in the morning – novelty Christmas tree earrings included – Tammy sweeps into my home with a huge bear hug that’s so maternal and warm I almost want to cry, and that’s before she offers an endless stream of compliments.
“Look at your gorgeous house!” “What is that delightful smell?” “Oh, aren’t you just lovely!”
Clearly Tammy is aware of her mana, especially in the home department and I’m assuming she knows that I’m a little intimidated and nervous about having her in my tiny little rental unit, so she’s instantly putting my mind at ease.
But still I’m a little spellbound and flattered as she helps me make tea – oh my fucking god she’s putting the milk back in the fridge, she’s looking in my fridge – and we settle on the couch for chinwag that veers wildly from subject to subject as we chat about almost all parts of her life, including – spoiler alert – the fact that her role as the Briscoes Lady could finally be coming to an end.
As she sips her tea (strong gumboot with milk, in case you were curious) she chats with a candid abandon, occasionally interrupting herself when she spots something else in my lounge that she says she loves (“is that a picture of Capri on the wall? Oh, how fabulous. Wouldn’t it be great to be in Italy right now?!”) and to fluff the pillows around her (“I’ve just gotten into the habit of doing it everywhere I go now, sorry!”).
So if you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to have the Briscoes lady in your house, here’s how the chat went (and there’s a chance you can get to meet her too!):
The Briscoes Lady on being the Briscoes Lady
Tammy can’t quite believe it’s been 36 years since she first became ‘the Briscoes Lady’, and says it’s gone “really, really fast”.
“I can’t quite believe it. I remember when I first started I was married, so I would have been in my mid 20s. It was before I had kids – but when they came along they assumed everyone’s mum was on TV. My younger son would go up to people in shops and say, ‘hey, do you know who my mum is?’ He’d be so embarrassed nowadays! But back then he found it very important.”
But when Tammy leaves the blue and yellow shed, she also leaves TBL behind – in almost every way. She takes off the wig she wears for Briscoes – her real hair is white – hops on a plane and heads back to her rural Canterbury home.
“I have these two lives and even though they’re intertwined and interlinked, I can let go. As soon as I’m home I’m Tammy again. But again, I’m always the Briscoes Lady. I don’t go out to bars or clubs or drink excessively – I have a responsibility, not that I was ever told that by anyone. But I used to work in radio and I’d see some of the announcers come off their shifts and some of them carried on like pork chops, and I always thought I’d never do that.”
The Briscoes Lady on New Zealand
As you might expect, Tammy gets recognised a LOT by New Zealanders, but on the whole, all of her interactions have been positive. Then again that might be the case because, as she puts it, she’s quite blind, so she doesn’t notice a lot of the gawking. Her good friend and makeup artist Nicky does though – she says “my favourite pastime is watching people when they see Tammy for the first time… it’s incredible”.
Adds Tammy, “I have total tunnel vision – my husband Michael notices it too, but I’ve got really blind, so that helps. I probably come across as quite aloof but it’s just me tuning everything out.”
But yes, people do ask her opinions on the best kettles to buy and if Briscoes is having a sale soon.
“Honestly Kelly, I would be a millionaire if I had $1 for every time someone came up to me and said, ‘oh my gosh, you look so young… on television.’ You’ve got to have thick skin!”
It still kind of astounds her that she has this almost universal affection from New Zealanders – people like me who’ve grown up with her and literally not known a world without her on the telly telling us that towels are 50% off and it’s buy one, get one free on plates.
“It’s really nice. I mean look at sport stars – they’re so beautiful and treasured and so loved, but for such a short time, these poor darlings, they peak. I’ve been really lucky. I haven’t had to do anything sporting! I really, really do appreciate my work through – I’ve had financial security for so long that’s meant I got to educate my kids, let me live on a lifestyle property in the country… I’m grateful for it all.
The Briscoes Lady on the weirdest things people have said to her
Tammy’s found herself in some, er, interesting situations over the years – the one that takes the cake surely has to be the time she was having an intimate medical procedure, similar to a colonoscopy.
“The specialist was adding air to a part of my anatomy and I was blowing up and blowing up, he added so much air. I said, ‘if you add any more air I’ll take off around this room’ and he said, ‘ok, I won’t add any more’. I’m thinking ‘great, he doesn’t know who I am’. But as we’re finishing up he says, ‘by the way, what’s on sale at Briscoes next week?’ This gentleman had been tending to my back passage and he thinks it’s a good time to ask me if Briscoes is having a sale next week?!”
She’s also had a similar experience during a mammogram – “it was very much a ‘you can put your boobs away now and by the way, love you on the telly’ moment” – and one time a woman approached her in a Briscoes to tell her (with a smile on her face!?) “oh, you make me sick every time you come on the telly, you won’t stop smiling you’re so happy – every time I want to throw a brick at the telly. But, a polystyrene brick.” Oh yeah, that makes it better!?
The Briscoes Lady on her own TV heroes
I have to know, who was Tammy’s Briscoes lady?! She pauses for a moment and exclaims, “ooh! The cheese men! The Mainland Cheese guys! I love those ads – good things take time, you know? And the Pamolive lady… she did that for 19 years, you know.”
The Briscoes Lady on Christmas
Christmas a little different for Tammy and her husband Michael, with their two grown-up sons living away from home but, she’s so excited that next year she’ll be a grandmother. “I’m gleeful to report that!” she says. “But until then, Christmas is still a special time – we have a small celebration with my side of the family, who are small, and my husband’s is very large. I made a fabulous Annabel Langbein ice-cream cake – God bless that woman – and we all bring things, so it makes it a whole lot easier. One son and his wife will be down with us, and then we’ll go to Sydney to see my other son and his husband.”
The Briscoes Lady on the Christmas hotline
The reason for our chat is that this year, Briscoes is opening up a little Christmas hotline with The Briscoes Lady, where callers can dial in and ask for advice to help solve their gifting woes. Callers dial ‘0800 4 SANTA’ to leave a voicemail for The Briscoes Lady, explaining who they’re struggling to shop for and they go in the draw to win 1 in 5 FaceTimes from The Briscoes Lady and a $500 voucher. Plus one winner will receive an in-person home delivery from The Briscoes Lady herself!
“It’s just a great thing if you’re stuck for ideas – hopefully me, Santa and a team of Christmas elves can help. And a $500 voucher is amazing.” I mean sure, especially during a sale. Are they having one soon?
Tammy laughs, “You know, I think they just might be!”
The Briscoes Lady on Formula One (?!)
Yeah, turns out Tammy is a Formula One fan, and we spent the first five minutes of this chat sipping tea and discussing the fortunes of rookie Kiwi driver Liam Lawson, whom she loves.
“Isn’t he gorgeous?” she says. “What a gorgeous young man. I know there was a bit or argy-bargy with one of his teammates recently, but he’s learning and he did an apology and I just thought, ‘good boy’. I think he’ll go far!”
Note, can someone tell Liam that The Briscoes Lady is a big fan, I’m sure he’ll be stoked?
The Briscoes Lady on… not being the Briscoes Lady anymore
She’s been on our screens since 1988 – but in 2025, we might be saying goodbye to the Briscoes Lady, says a philosophical Tammy. “I’m just completing my 36th year now, and I have one year of this contract to go and yeah, and that could be the end. By the time we finish that, it will have been 37 years.
“But I started really young… I started when I was at primary school,” she laughs.
But how will she feel if it does all end next year, as she implies?
“It’s ok, yeah, and it will be an adjustment of course – because I won’t be being paid! – but when one door closes, another opens. I’m very grateful for the time I’ve had. I lost my mum 11-and-a-half years ago and it was then I realised that we’re on limited time. So I’ve started having painting lessons, and last month I had my first wee art exhibition at home.”
Paintings of yellow and blue, perhaps?
“Gah!” she exclaims. “I’ve seen enough yellow and blue, sorry Briscoes, I don’t mean that disrespectfully!”
The Briscoes Lady’s quick Christmas gifting cheat sheet for all your Christmas present debacles:
The mum who says she doesn’t want anything: “Candles! I love candles. But when in doubt, go practical and get her something she can use. I also love a good hand cream. But I don’t think you can beat an experience either – it’s memories. Oh, but also cushions. I love a good cushion.”
Your politically-charged uncle that you’re trying to avoid but have to get a gift for: “A massage gun to relax him. Or aromatherapy therapy to calm him down. He might just need therapy, but it’s a start…”
Your younger bachelor brother: “Linen sheets – they last for so long, they’re durable and they’ll impress anyone who comes over!”
Your mother-in-law that still scares you a little bit: “Digital photo frame! For all the memories!”
Dad whose hobbies are sport and watching sport: “There’s a really fun ring toss game that would be perfect! Or else a good, sturdy chilly bin.”
Distant cousin you don’t really know but will be at Christmas this year for some reason: “I really love this little smores kit – it’s so cute!”