Feeling lonely? It’s certainly the season for it unfortunately – and we’re seeing the number of people saying that they are experiencing loneliness rising every single year. So, what do we do about it? Social Wellbeing Coach Angela Campbell says we might just be approaching it the wrong way…
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As a Social Wellbeing Coach, the one thing I would advise people to do if they want to eliminate loneliness is to stop trying to eliminate loneliness. I’ll explain.
The dangers of loneliness to our physical, mental and emotional health have been proven. Evidence shows that loneliness can be as risky to our health as smoking 15 cigarettes per day.
However, unlike tobacco dependence, I’d argue that loneliness doesn’t need to be eliminated – and shouldn’t, because it’s a valuable form of discomfort. Feeling lonely occasionally is natural and can be great for our self-awareness. It lets us know when our social needs aren’t being met, in the same way that pain indicates a certain area of the body needs healing or rest.
If we didn’t feel pain, we might continue to run on damaged ankles until they broke, chew with bad teeth instead of visiting the dentist, or fail to detect signs of disease until it was too late.
Loneliness is our social alert system working exactly as nature intended it to, letting us know that something in our social lives needs our attention. To manage loneliness well, we need to acknowledge it, then use our personal strengths and resources to face it head on.
We each have a unique set of social strengths. Some people are great at organising or hosting get-togethers. Some are empathetic listeners. Some are great at setting healthy boundaries. When we recognise our own social strengths and those of the people around us, we often find new ways to manage feelings of loneliness.
I recommend people keep a list of practical ideas that you could choose from when you’re feeling lonely – such as cuddling a pet, or calling a friend or family member. We can also try reconnecting with our creativity through art, reconnecting with our memories by looking through old photos, or exercising in nature to reconnect with our bodies and whenua.
Lean hard into solutions that align with your strengths and interests. If you’re thoughtful and well read, people would probably look forward to meeting you at a book club. If you’re always up for a laugh, invite an old friend to reconnect at a live comedy event. If you’re community-minded, you might like to give volunteering a go.
If we’re feeling consistently lonely, it could be time to look a little deeper at what’s going on in our lives. Feelings of loneliness can continue to flare up if we feel stuck in a toxic relationship or workplace, if we’re grieving, or feeling disconnected from ourselves. At times like this, loneliness might be trying to inspire us to take action and reach out to a counsellor, coach or support group.
Loneliness isn’t fun, but feelings of loneliness aren’t the enemy. They’re more like an ally, cheering you on with really bad breath. It might not be pleasant, but if you let them, they’ll help you along as you work towards better social wellbeing.
