A lack of intimacy is listed as one of the top reasons Kiwis end up splitting – so, how do you increase intimacy in your romantic relationship? We talk to an expert about the conversation you need to have with your partner, asap!
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We know intimacy is crucial in romantic relationships, because, well, often it is what sets them apart from other relationships and we know that a lack of it can often spell the end of a union. A lack of intimacy is listed as one of the top reasons Kiwis end up divorcing.
But, what are we actually talking about when we’re using the word intimacy. Expert Chelsey Liaga – a passionate therapist and dedicated couples counsellor who has worked with countless couples over the years – says that “simply defined, it’s the closeness we feel with our partner.”
“Different things make different people feel close or connected to their partner,” she says. “For some people that is sex, for others, it could be having a deep conversation, and for others, it could be doing a recreational activity. There are a lot of different avenues to intimacy, and none is better or worse than another.”
So, it’s less important what the type of intimacy is, and most important that it’s happening full-stop in a way that is meaningful to both of you. Without that, you’re generally in real trouble.
“Intimacy is important because it is what makes a marriage more than just living in the same house with another human as roommates!” says Chelsey. “Intimacy is what bonds us together, makes us want to be there for the other person, sacrifice, and feel the warm fuzzy feelings of love. When there is a lack of intimacy in a relationship, it can feel cold, distant, confusing, and lead to contention.
So, what’s the one thing you need to do to improve your levels of intimacy with your partner? It’s probably one you’ve heard experts talk about here on Capsule a lot: Communication.
Chelsey says your starting point should be having an open conversation about intimacy. If you’ve never had one before and have made assumptions about what makes your partner feel close to you, well, it might bring up some surprises.
“You can start to improve your intimate connection by talking with your partner about what helps them feel close to you, and trying to make sure both of your preferred forms of intimacy are being addressed regularly,” she says.
So, what would be some good things to ask your partner?
Here’s three questions Chelsey recommends starting with:
- In the last year, when did you feel the closest to me?
- What is most important to you: our physical, recreational, emotional or intellectual intimacy?
- Imagine you are going to bed and you feel really close to me and satisfied in our relationship. In this imaginary situation, what happened during the day that made you feel that way?