What are the most crucial red flags in an age gap relationship to be aware of, before taking the plunge and committing to someone? Age can really just be a number, but it’s also a consideration to make before committing, especially if your partner does this one thing…
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If you’ve got a suggestion or submission for The One Thing – maybe something about the industry you work in that you think others should know! – please send your thoughts to alice@capsulenz.com. We’d love to hear from you!You’ve met someone new and, well, it feels like they could be the one. They’re ticking boxes you didn’t know you had. But there’s just one thing you’re uncertain about: their age.
Age gap relationships have become fairly common – in Western countries around 8% of heterosexual married couples have an age gap of 10 years or more. In same sex couples these numbers are significantly higher, with around 15% of female-female marriages having large age gaps and 25% of male-male relationships.
Generally, the experts say seven years difference is a significant enough gap to consider a relationship an age-gap, but expert Chelsey Liaga – a passionate therapist and dedicated couples counsellor who has worked with countless couples over the years, including those in age gap relationships – is less concerned with figures and stats.
Chelsey has a master’s degree in Social Work from Arizona State University and over five years of teaching experience and brings a unique blend of academic insight and practical guidance to her practice. Chelsey is now one of the dedicated therapists who works at Cupla – a fab app that helps you reconnect with your partner.
“Personally, I don’t think the actual numbers of the age gap matter,” she says. “But there are a few things that do matter and should be considered when there is a large age gap.”
She says there’s one thing, one red flag that she’d advise people to be on the look out for in an age gap relationship:
Contempt.
“Contempt is believing that you are better, smarter, or worthy of more respect than your partner,” she says. “Contempt is the number one predictor of divorce, and I could see it being more common in someone that is significantly older than their partner compared to a couple that is closer in age. Contempt leads to disrespect, not valuing your partner’s opinions, and in extreme cases abuse. It is not present in every couple with a big age gap, but it is something to be aware of.”
If contempt isn’t an issue in the relationship, she says there’s one other thing to consider before you take the leap and commit to an age-gap relationship. She suggests asking yourself this question:
“Do you have the same or similar values and desires about your shared life?”
“If one of you wants to party, travel, and experiment with life and one of you wants to settle down and start a family then that is going to cause a lot of tension,” she says. “Additionally, having the same values (ex: faith, family, stability, freedom, etc) is more important than age because it will make making decisions together as a couple easier if you value the same things.”
Like in any relationship, Chelsey says that communication is key in an age-gap relationship. Rather than shying away from discussing the age gap, it’s important to have open and frank conversations about it – and about all the other important facets of your lives.
“I would have open and honest conversations with each other about your values, desires and goals in life and make sure you are both willing and able to meet the expectations you have of your potential life partner,” she says. “Be really clear about what you want the next one, five and ten years to look like and how you want your partner to fit into that picture. And if you feel like your partner doesn’t respect your goals and plans, or isn’t willing to compromise to get both of your need and desires met then that is a sign of contempt and I would recommend getting professional help and going to see a couples therapist.”