Want to know what NOT to say to new mums? Caitlin has a two-year-old daughter and has been hearing the same thing, quite regularly, pretty much since she had her – and, it is driving her absolutely mad…
Welcome to The One Thing! Every week we’re bringing you the one nugget of info that you need to know or didn’t know you needed to know! Whether it’s a tip to make your life a little easier, a pearl of wisdom, something to make you think, or maybe something to make you laugh, The One Thing is here to serve you every Friday!
If you’ve got a suggestion or submission for The One Thing, please send your thoughts to alice@capsulenz.com. We’d love to hear from you!
Trigger warning: Miscarriage
Caitlin and her husband Steve very much hoped that one day, they would be parents. But after a year of trying, with no success, they went down the IVF route – spending a considerable amount of time, money, stress and tears to finally bring their little daughter into this world.
“It was the hardest few years of my life,” says Caitlin. “I had two miscarriages. I thought we’d never end up with a baby.”
But now, they are a family of three – and while Caitlin and Steve still mourn the loss of their first two babies, they are besotted with their daughter.
Caitlin says she feels proud wherever she takes her daughter – watching other people smile when they see her beaming smile. Although, while she loves hearing people coo over her daughter, there’s one thing she’s sick to death of hearing.
“Honestly? The number of people who ask when or if we’re going to have another is insane,” she says. “And people have been asking me this basically since she was born. It’s so intrusive.”
Caitlin says it’s also a very triggering question for her.
“I mean, I would like to give her a sibling one day,” she says. “But I really don’t know how or if that is possible. I don’t know if I could go through that IVF process again, but with another kid at home to take care of. And, I gave birth during the height of the Covid outbreak and really struggled mentally. I can’t imagine anyone who gave birth during the restrictions had an easy time of it, so I hope that would be different, but I can’t bank on it.”
Caitlin says she knows that no malice is meant by the question, but is floored by the number of people who casually ask it, obviously completely unaware that it is such a loaded question.
“There’s weirdly a lot of guilt around only having one child as it is, y’know, like, just from the little comments people make,” she says. “Like, people even phrase it like, ‘Oh, so you just have the one?’ It makes me feel guilty that I might be depriving my daughter of an experience that she needs to have. But, I also really don’t know that it feasibly something we could do.”
So, what does Cailtin think we should all be doing a bit differently?
“I think we all already know that it’s insensitive and intrusive to ask people when/if they’re going to have children, but we don’t seem to have the same sensitives around asking women who are already parents,” she says. “Secondary infertility is a real thing. Infertility full-stop is a thing. Not being able to afford a second child is a thing. Not wanting a second child is a thing. Please just think a little before you speak.”