We had the incredible honour of getting to share Kim Crossman’s pregnancy journey here at Capsule through her column, Pretty Pregnant. Well, Kim is no longer Pretty Pregnant – she welcomed her precious first baby last December: a darling little girl. And Kim – staying true to her Type A personality – handed in a story just a day after giving birth, sharing all the twists and turns of her birth (that went completely differently to the way she expected) and, sharing a first look at her gorgeous little girl: Coco Joan.
Pretty Pregnant has become Pretty Postpartum and Kim has been generously sharing all the ups and downs and startling discoveries of postpartum with us. If you haven’t read her updates you can read her story about Coco’s birth here! Her update at two weeks here, a month in, here, at six weeks, here, eight weeks here and ten weeks here, 12 weeks here, 14 weeks here , 16 weeks here, 18 weeks here and 20 weeks, here.
From those early trenches of motherhood, we started catching up with Kim every month – you can read her five month update here, her six month update here, her seven month update here and eight months here.
This month, Coco is now nine months! In this column, Kim is – as always – so generously sharing her updates on her birth injury, plus exactly what’s been going on in her mind and body as Coco reaches the nine-month milestone.
What on Earth did I do before you, my sweet girl? It’s like life before Coco was in black and white it’s almost hard to remember or bring in to focus.
Nine months feels like a big one, mainly because I am inundated and fully intend to also do my own “Nine months in, Nine months out” reel, but also because nine months does cause you to pause and reflect on the three big milestones: conception and pregnancy, birth and motherhood.
It’s true what everyone says, it goes so fast. I remember hearing that around six weeks and thinking it was almost a silly thing to say when, at the time, the days, and mainly the nights, had never felt longer. I can confirm that yes, I still, every month as I start to write, have tears welling almost immediately in my eyes. Not sadness necessarily, just the permission to take a pause and reflect.
This blog has become so much a part of my journey and the grace and pride I feel each month, even when I am feeling insecure and overwhelmed, is amazing. The love continues to grow and if I felt cracked open after birth, I most certainly am completely exposed in the most vulnerable and beautiful way.
Nine months has brought about a lot of things to update you on. Navigating the new dynamic as a single mum, quite an interesting undercarriage development, and Coco saying her first word, which I think is possibly the best sound my ears have ever, and will ever, experience.
Let’s start with the butt stuff because it’s always a good time to talk about the things no one else shares.
To catch you up, I have a birth injury that is a combination of an episiotomy, a 3A tear, a double prolapse and what we have now discovered is some nerve damage to the pudendal nerve.
Whilst it’s looking like a pacemaker might be the solution, we are exploring some other options and treatments first, like some creams and gels to help with elasticity in my muscles, taking a medication to firm things up (for context, one of my main symptoms is that I don’t get really any warning if I need to pee or poop) and some pelvic floor underwear for additional support. Who knew that was even something you could buy!
I am also on Monday getting fitted for a ring pessary, which looks like a donut that you insert into you, and it provides support to the vaginal walls and can help with bladder, uterine or vaginal prolapse symptoms. How fun. I will keep you posted.
I share this not to brag about my weak undercarriage haha, but more to share some of the things I am doing to help improve my condition, as it is super common but often women just carry on. It’s not until they go through menopause and things soften again down there and their symptoms become even worse that they consider seeking some help.
I’ve made many jokes, like being similar to a snail and leaving a trail, or that I might be a RoboButt with a pacemaker, but it is something that can also cause a lot of insecurity and upset, especially when you are having to manage your life in a way that means you need to be within reach of a bathroom at any given moment.
If you are experiencing any downward pressure, heaviness, bleeding, incontinence, weakness, leaking or pain down below after birth, I would really recommend getting it checked out. You might be able to get some support or help, or feel free to message me and I am happy to chat.
As someone who has been in many different specialist rooms of late, I can assure you that there are a lot of women navigating birth injuries and not enough of us are sharing our experience so other women can know what is common but not normal, or what some of the pathways to recovery can look like.
I didn’t think my weak butthole would ever be on the topic of chats I would be having, but as women, I know so many of us just carry on when we do have something concerning. I am hoping that if you are reading this, little alarm bells are going off and you action making an appointment or enquiring further if you need to get some care.
That can also just look like YouTubing some pelvic floor exercises or scheduling an assessment with a pelvic floor physio. As women, things down there will continue to soften and dry, so anything you can do today to help prevent navigating incontinence or similar, I encourage you to do so.
Now let’s chat nine months of absolute delight.
I love it when mums say every age is their favourite age. I think that will be me, because here at nine months I now have an army crawling, laughing, cheeky little button who has two little teeth that just popped through and the most delicious personality taking shape.
I love that when she sees an animal, her legs begin to kick and she starts to squeal with excitement. I love that rather than eating a lot of the food I offer her, she finds great joy in keeping eye contact with me and dropping it over the side of the high chair and, most of all, I love feeding her.
I know not all mums are breastfeeding at nine months. For us it works. I am available for her to feed on demand and I feel like it regulates me as well as her. A moment where I can’t do anything else but be. Be with my bubba. And it feels like bliss. Sometimes bliss with the occasional bite, which is a pain that makes your toes curl haha.
This month I also had to navigate having a sick baby. I know many experience this when baby goes to daycare and they end up, from what I hear, picking up everything and most likely building one badass immunity.
For Coco, this was her first time really getting sick. I wasn’t sure what was a symptom of teething and what was something more sinister to start with, since it seems almost all symptoms are possible teething symptoms. But when Coco had a fever that would not let up, I knew something was not right, which ultimately landed us in A&E at 5am and her testing positive for Influenza A.
A great time to thank the mums of the internet who suggested feeding her in the shower as she was having trouble staying latched whilst so congested. That worked a treat. And to all who sent through other product recommendations or home remedies, I tried them all and invested in a better thermometer, as the laser one was giving such different readings. I think that was also a contributor to my midnight anxiety.
I am writing this whilst I have Coco in the front pack at almost 1am as she is breaking, I think, a couple of teeth. She seems to want to be upright and was able to fall back to sleep, so now you get everyone’s favourite nighttime Kim on the keyboard haha. The slightly more unhinged, honest and possibly a bit more sassy version than my optimistic morning self.
Duality seems to be the observation every month and I am beginning to think that it is really the learning for me when it comes to parenting. That two things can be true.
One, that this has been one of the more challenging, anxious and stressful months of my life and also the most beautiful, encouraging and hopeful.
What a trip.
I have been doing quite a bit of therapy the last few weeks, working on tools to help regulate my nervous system. There has been a lot going on and whilst prior to Coco there weren’t too many outward ripple effects if there was something going on in my personal life, now with a baby who is with me at all times, I am acutely aware of the energy I am carrying, how regulated I am and how I can make sure I am not just masking emotion but processing or parking and recalibrating so I can not drain any of my time with her or expose her to any yuck energy where possible.
I am sure all the mums who have older babies have their own quick fire way to compartmentalise and it’s something I am working on.
I am a highly sensitive person and feel things quite deeply, so I am grateful to have Coco to help me right size all my problems and the duration I dwell on things.
One of the beautiful things about children and the magic they have is that there is beauty and good in the world always and that not everything deserves your immediate attention or your worry.
I guess that’s part of the boundary piece I know so many of you are navigating in motherhood, especially new motherhood, from my conversations with so many of you. Some finding that voice that you, maybe like me, never really had when it came to standing up for yourself, but you are finding it when learning to advocate for your babies.
That mum energy and protection that comes in with the flurry of hormones and has changed what I now define as feminine energy. I used to think it was softness, and it is, but it’s also so powerful.
I was reminded of that by my amazing therapist and friend Gwendoline Smith. She sent me an image of a lioness, a reminder that we all have a lioness in us and when it comes to protecting our babies, it finds its way to the surface.
How f**king cool and empowering.
A strength I don’t recognise in myself. A secret stash of energy and power and capacity we now all have as mums. I feel it and it’s new and exciting.
I feel like I had parts of it when it came to protecting my pets and felt like I related to the feeling, but it is different and stronger with Coco. No knock to my amazing pets at all, I would still do anything for them, but that mumma bear or mumma lion energy is really quite magical.
Coco, my mum and I also did a three-day road trip up from Wellington in my new Mini and, thanks to so many of you sending us suggestions, we turned what could have been a pretty ordinary experience into what I will now consider one of my great highlights of the year, easily. I was nervous at first because it is a long way and a long time to have Coco in a car. Breaking it up seemed like the best and fairest option and I guess in the loose planning I didn’t consider how fun it could be. Mainly because when it comes to travel I am more of a get to the destination and relax type of person. Take the direct flight if you can, not the stopover. Limit breaks and stops and just get there ASAP. More of a destination than a journey kinda gal when it comes to travel.
So this was already a little outside the box, choosing to turn what could be nine hours into a 72 hour event. But like all good road trip movies, it was the mistakes and the mishaps and the people we met along the way that made it so enjoyable. What a great thing to do with Coco and my mum. I so recommend it. I spend a lot of time with my mum, but we are so in our little routine or bubble. Stepping outside of that was so fun. All wearing matching PJs, getting out of Auckland and forcing conversation to be about what’s going on rather than our usual default of scheduling or the day’s to dos made this so memorable for all of us. Seeing Mum hold Coco while she met her first sheep and horse. Magic.
So what’s on the cards next?
We had our nine month Plunket appointment and I remember when this appointment was set thinking, my God, one day she will be nine months. That feels like forever away. The same feeling when we scheduled her 15 month appointment, which is in March next year. 15 months. What? How absurd and impossible. My baby will one day be 15 months, haha. The challenges that lie ahead for this next chapter look to be teeth brushing. She has just a couple of little peg teeth at the bottom and her top ones are threatening to join us soon, I believe.
So any tips you have around teeth brushing and it being a positive or fun experience, I would love to know so it’s not something I am forcing or that feels aggressive.
I would also love some tips on nervous system resets. If you have a quick fire way to regulate yourself as a mum, I would love to hear it. Breathing is the most common one, but always one I have trouble with actioning for some reason.
My biggest mum lesson this month has been: don’t take the shortcut. Do it properly the first time. Now, I realise “properly” is subjective, especially when you are operating on broken sleep and mum fatigue, but I have definitely noticed that when I am exhausted, the seemingly quicker option can feel like the obvious choice. The problem is, this month has shown me time and time again that it almost never plays out that way.
Take Coco teething and waking in the night. I would try to settle her lying down because, in my sleep deprived state, the thought of getting fully out of bed, picking her up and rocking her felt like so much more effort. I would spend ages trying to convince her that lying down was exactly what she wanted, when deep down I knew she wanted to be upright and rocked. Eventually I would give in, get up and do the thing I knew would work, and she would fall back to sleep much more quickly. I could then transfer her back into bed with far less drama. I had essentially spent ten minutes avoiding the thing that would have taken two minutes.
Or the classic wriggling nappy change. You know the one. Coco is doing everything in her power to escape, I am trying to get the nappy on as quickly as humanly possible and I convince myself that it is definitely on properly enough. Only to discover shortly afterwards that nope, it was not, and we now have a full blown explosion situation requiring a complete outfit change and significantly more cleaning than if I had just taken the extra thirty seconds in the first place.
It is such a simple lesson, but one I have apparently needed to learn repeatedly this month. Sometimes the option that feels quicker or easier in the moment actually creates a much bigger job later. So, going forward, I am trying to remind myself to slow down, take the extra minute and just do the thing properly the first time. Even when I am tired. Especially when I am tired.
Also, a big thank you to Shamin @suchashambles for capturing some candid photos of Coco at home this week.
Something I have continued to invest in is us having photos together, as I know so many mums always said to me, get others to take photos of you as a mum. My sister and bestie have mainly selfies of them and their kids and it’s something I am acutely aware of now. I always want to take photos of my friends who are mums interacting with their kids and would love it to be a habit we all get into as a gift to each other.
Please reach out. I would love to hear from any of you. Reading messages after I write is such a privilege and a joy, to hear your experiences and what hits home, what lands or relates.
I have never been more happy to have this little community and your support and love means more than you know.
Love Kim and Coco
x
__________________________________
About the Author:
