Welcome to TBH – To Be Honest – Capsule’s first-ever regular column with our brand-new columnist and old pal, Brodie Kane! In her latest edition, she shares her thoughts on why she reckons dating apps need to get in the bin, and why she’s holding out hope of meeting someone ‘the old fashioned way’.
(And click here for her first column on being independent and vulnerable at the same time!)
So, you know those countless times your non-single friends ask you “how’s your love life?” (to which you want to reply ‘f*ck up but you know they only mean well but still, f*ck up’)?
And you tell them, “non-existent, as per!” or something of the like, and then there it comes. Every. Single. Time.
“Are you on the apps?”
Aaaaaand then your soul dies just a little bit on the inside, because you’ve either just found a new wave of confidence from SOMEWHERE to jump back on, or you’ve just deleted them for the 20th time because you’re in that stage where you think they belong in a dumpster fire.
Or, perhaps the most awful stage of all, the one where there’s still a tiny ember of hope that you’ll still meet ‘the one’ because of various other success stories that keep you going back for more, so you say ‘I am!’ in a chipper voice and hope for the best.
I often equate dating apps to sifting through the rubbish bin. Now, that does sound incredibly cruel and quite trashy – and I’m not saying all men are trash (to be clear, not all men are trash!) But the process – the PROCESS – is trash. You feel like trash. It’s all trash.
Dating apps are trash. There, I said it.
Tinder and Bumble are the best-known ones, of course – Tinder just feels like it’s just a game of Candy Crush to the guys on it, and Bumble somehow thinks that making the woman message first is “empowering”. HOW many times have I indeed got off my arse and messaged first, only to be completely ignored!?
Now I will admit that I have been part of the trashy problem. I’ve ghosted. I’ve unmatched. It’s brutal. It’s ruthless. It’s trashy.
If I really think about why I’ve done the ghosting and unmatching – like, if I carve my soul out and ask myself why I hate the apps so much, there’s a glaring answer.
Because I really don’t want to meet someone this way.
Another full disclosure: if I did meet someone on an app I most certainly wouldn’t be embarrassed about it – in fact the COMPLETE opposite.
But for me, it’s just not fun. I can’t help but think that even when I match with someone and start talking, you know full well it’s not going anywhere and that you’re both probably just wasting time. I match with people and I’m so unexcited about it. The thought of going and meeting a complete stranger I’ve only matched with on an app is just the most unappealing way to go on a date.
Now if you’re yelling through the screen at me because it sounds like I’m so negative and not trying hard enough and that I’m doomed to fail, then yell away you’re absolutely right. But until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes (or swiped until your eyes hurt) then allow me to sit in the trash and moan.
But that’s not to say I’m not trying – I ‘upgraded’ to the so-called ‘less trashy’ app Hinge the other day. You have to make more of an effort with your profile, add lots of photos, and answer particular questions so people can get a bit of a gauge of who you are – which actually is a really good thing.
For the first few days I was all excited because it was all shiny and new, but now I’m again completely ambivalent to it. Just another dating app. Punishing small talk with a couple of matches which again will go nowhere (actually two have already abruptly stopped talking) and we are back at square one.
We often have wonderful The Girls Uninterrupted listeners write to us about going on the apps and they all echo the same sentiments. They toy with your emotions too much – the confidence high of the initial match, through to the crushing disappointment of the rejection and, like I said before, the uniquely cruel purgatory of ‘no man’s land’ where you don’t know what the hell is going on, and then the inevitable the ‘I don’t need a man!’ strong confident woman stage and life ticks along absolutely fine once again.
I have to be honest, this column sounds like I spend a lot of time on the apps. I actually don’t. I’ve had Hinge going for a week and like I said, I’m already bored with it. I just thought I’d share my experience with you, knowing that a lot of women who listen to our podcast feel exactly the same.
Call me old-fashioned but I reckon there’s still hope for the more traditional settings of meeting people. Wouldn’t that be nice?If it happens, I’ll make sure the Capsule gals are ready with a Breaking News banner [Capsule ed’s note: *starts designing banner straight away*]
Ha. Good luck out there, team.
