Welcome to TBH – To Be Honest – Capsule’s first-ever regular column with our brand-new columnist and old pal, Brodie Kane! In her premiere edition, she shares her thoughts on the battle between independence and vulnerability, and, in a vulnies moment, asks why we can’t be both at the same time.
“Ok, let’s get it out there right away – I love being a 36-year old strong, independent, single woman.
But lately, I’ve noticed I spend too much time thinking I have to broadcast it all the time. Breaking news: it is EXHAUSTING.
I’ve been feeling a little vulnerable lately. But what this vulnerability has made me realise is that, actually, you can be fiercely independent, but still sit in your vulnerability. Your hard-won independence card won’t be taken off you.
Why do we feel like these things can’t co-exist? There’s been so much time breaking through societal expectations – I’m constantly being asked things like ‘How come you’re still single?’, ‘Do you want a nice man?’, ‘Are you ready to settle down?’, ‘Do you want children?’ and, the new classic, ‘Aren’t you too old for that festival?’.
Why am I feeling vulnies? Well, I’m in the process of selling my house in Christchurch. It hasn’t gone quite as I’d expected and it’s really been stressing me out (update: it’s under offer!). It’s stressed me out because it made me start to question everything that’s led me to this point in my life.
Should I have sold it sooner? Should I have let myself get to a situation where I feel so financially vulnerable? Are there decisions I could’ve made better so I don’t feel this way? Is it the right decision? Am I doing life right?
And believe me, these questions (and more) go round and round in my head and THAT’S when I feel like my vulnerability is attacking my independence. You start to think that doing all this stuff alone actually sucks and you wish you had a person with you to share the burden.
But NOOOOO – you love being independent and you’re proud that you’re doing this all by yourself and you can do it all and you are still independent and CAN be independent and feel this way. It’s an exhausting battle!
Getting a good glimpse of how my brain has been working in overdrive? Of course, then comes the catastrophising everything – something I am wonderfully good at – so not only do I have all of the aforementioned questions running through my brain, I’m also starting to look at worst-case scenarios for everything. Is the work that I’m doing good enough? Could I be doing more? Can I sustain the life I live or do I need to shift the goalposts? Am I going to fail spectacularly and be absolutely screwed?
I feel like I need to overcompensate sometimes, and remind people that life doesn’t have to revolve around the things that society has deemed successful. But in doing so, it’s harder to give ourselves the chance to be open about the days where being independent does, in fact, feel a little lonely.
It’s like we don’t want to admit feeling lonely because we think it’s a sign of failure, or that if we do admit we want one of those societal expectations things – the partner, the kids, the picket fence – that we’ve spent so much time explaining why they don’t define who we are, we’ve also failed. See? EXHAUSTING.
Ok, so those were all the questions I’ve had swirling around in my brain. But what about the answers?
It’s taken me a little bit of time to work through it all in a clear and calm manner, with the help of my wonderful mum and mates.
Why do I feel this way? What led me to this point?
I genuinely think it’s to do with feeling vulnerable – And that feeling of vulnerability has made me admit that being independent isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be.
Again, that is not me handing back my independence card, it’s me sitting in my vulnerability and knowing it’s ok to have days where you think being alone is dumb.
And as more time has passed, I’ve realised that independence and vulnerability actually can sit together and SHOULD sit together.
We spend so much time putting labels on ourselves that we think if we’re not performing to a certain standard of those labels then we’re not worthy of them. You can be independent and crave companionship, you can be vulnerable and still be strong, and do you know what? You can actually fail at things. If you don’t fail, how are you going to learn to be or do better the next time?
Now this isn’t a pity party, I’ve hauled myself out of it and am feeling much better about everything which is great! But I figured if I’m feeling this way, maybe some other women are too. I just thought I would pass on my learnings in the hope they help someone else navigate through the bloody good, the bad, the ugly and all the bits in between of being a strong independent single woman.
Remember, being independent doesn’t mean you have to go everything alone. In fact, don’t go it alone. Be vulnerable. I promise you it won’t sacrifice your independence.
Until next time,
Brodie x”
