Figuring out what to ask your partner before having kids can feel overwhelming, because there’s simply SO MUCH to cover. But Auckland clinical psychologist Missy Wolfman says there’s one thing every couple should discuss to better prepare for parenthood.
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The decision to have kids with your partner is not something to be taken lightly, but making that decision together can also be such an exciting milestone in your relationship.
You start talking about how many kids you’ll have, and then haggle at a number you both can agree on.
Next thing you know, you’re planning the next 20 years of your lives.
It might be time to get a house. Or upgrade to a bigger one. Hmm, maybe consider living closer to parents? But then, there’s also the school zones. Then you realise, damn, we can’t afford a house in a good school zone. Maybe we can buy in a more affordable area and look into private school.
And when, exactly, should we actually start having kids? Are our finances even in check?
But before we get bogged down by all those details, there’s one thing Auckland clinical psychologist Missy Wolfman says we should discuss with our partners.
Apart from asking the obvious question of whether you and your partner actually want kids, Missy says the one thing you should ask is why you want them.
Why? Because people can have different reasons for wanting one, she says.
Missy, who runs a specialty practice that helps women navigate motherhood called EmpowerMums, shares a helpful tip to have that discussion, or at least a starting point.
And that’s to talk about each other’s childhood experiences – especially in how you and your partner were parented, because there will be some differences there. Plus, it will also shape the way you will parent.
“What is it that you don’t want to replicate, or that you do want to replicate, because it’s so implicit. Especially if you marry or have a partner from a different culture, that’s often when things come up,” she says.
Missy also speaks from experience. She’s Indonesian-Chinese and her husband is white American, and she says their different parenting approaches can be in something as simple as breakfast.
“I’m constantly like, ‘I don’t want [our kids] to have cereal, they should have warm food first thing in the morning.’ And he’s like, ‘I grew up with cold milk and cereal, and I’m fine.’”
She reiterates that it can seem something so simple, but because it’s the way they were raised, then it will naturally influence how they parent.
So she really encourages couples who are planning to have kids to really talk about the values that are important to you – things like religion, education and nutrition.
It’s also a good time to reflect on parenting choices that you may have lacked from your parents, or what you’d like to do differently.
“It’s going to be a big conversation. Probably the more that you do it, the easier it would be.”
