Have many of us worked with a narcissist colleague? How might you deal with one? And what if you think they’re a sociopath?
Emily*, who worked with a man for several years at a peer level, was pleased when he left his job – but not pleased when he returned as the head of the organisation.
“That was a surprise. When you’ve got a senior leader who will be making some fairly weighty decisions, you expect a level of gravitas, dignity, knowledge and judgement – and he lacked those qualities. He didn’t have a cool head for decision-making. And he couldn’t read a room.”
Uncomfortably, Emily was now in a team that directly supported him. “He didn’t take advice, didn’t listen, didn’t come to sensible decisions. His decision would be based on the last thing he heard. So, today it’s one thing, tomorrow it’s the opposite.”
“Then we started to notice him throwing us under the bus.” For instance, he didn’t prepare for a meeting that would set the organisation’s priorities for the year. “Even though we had prepared all the briefing materials! The meeting didn’t go well and he said ‘my team didn’t prepare me’. Everyone was in tears.”
He also took credit for their work. “When you’re the boss, it’s not uncommon to talk about the work of the organisation. But he would directly claim credit for particular pieces of work that he didn’t even have expertise in.”
“He’d also turn on people fast to distance himself from responsibility or accountability, which made people feel bewildered. He’d cut you and be really cold, which is more hurtful than having a boss who makes a tricky decision that not everyone likes. It was really stressful, to be unmoored like that. He destabilised our way of working.” She calls it cultivating chaos.
She and her colleagues had to adapt their behaviours to accommodate him. “Anything you said or did could be used against you, regardless of whether it was justified. Whether you’d made a mistake, or were being blamed because it was convenient for him, it meant that we became very guarded. He would also pit us against one another.”
At the same time, this man expected sympathy. “He talked to us about his difficult childhood and felt it was a good way of building rapport with people. Some people made excuses for his behaviour based on that. And I felt for him. A colleague of mine felt he had a trauma-informed way of approaching the world. No matter who he’s talking to, he needs to build a personal connection instantly, regardless of whether that’s what the relationship requires.”
Her colleague had formerly been a social worker. “She had a lot of experience with different personality types. She said he was a classic narcissist, because they take for granted that they have a rightful place at the centre of the universe, and everybody needs to lap up what they’re saying and doing – and that they think they’re 100% believable no matter what they’re saying, even if they’re saying something opposite to what they said yesterday.”
Emily was more insulated than some of her colleagues. “People had flare-ups with chronic illnesses, fatigue and other bad [health] stuff.” She felt sorry for new hires – especially if it was their first job and they didn’t know how bosses should act. “So they’d try to prove themselves, then they’d blame themselves.” Emily says a sunk cost fallacy came into play. “It’s easy to think ‘oh, I’ve put so much effort into this job that I can’t waste that by walking away’.”
That said, staff turnover was high. “Finally, he made major mistakes to the point where I think he was told to resign.” Emily stayed.
“Since then, he’s continued to get new, even more high-powered jobs as a ‘visionary’.” It’s something she calls “falling upwards”. Indeed, narcissists often present well to their superiors, including at job interviews. “He’s personable, talks a good game, has interesting life stories, and would probably consider himself charismatic.”
What is Narcissism, Exactly?
A Psychology Today story states that “narcissists have a prominent place in the popular imagination, and the label ‘narcissist’ is widely deployed to refer to people who appear too full of themselves” – adding that “narcissism is properly viewed on a spectrum”.
Many of us may have wondered about whether someone we work with is a narcissist; however, we shouldn’t use the term loosely. Only a medical professional can diagnose someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
As this Psychology Today story outlines, “while we may have ideas of what narcissism looks like, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) lists nine traits and characteristics that are clinically significant in determining if someone’s super-sized ego may be something more than just self-confidence. At least five of the following traits must be exhibited to meet the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”
- Grandiose sense of self-importance
- Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- Belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
- Need for excessive admiration
- Sense of entitlement
- Interpersonally exploitive behaviour
- Lack of empathy
- Envy of others or belief that others are envious of him or her
- Demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviours or attitudes
How common is NPD? Although it’s hard to know, research suggests that up to five per cent of people suffer from NPD. Of course, many more people exhibit some narcissistic traits.
In a post in a Facebook group, I asked whether anyone had worked with someone they suspect was a narcissist (noting that only a medical professional could make a diagnosis). People who hadn’t were probably less likely to comment, but two people said no, and 22 said yes. Someone said “gosh, has anyone not?”.
All About Them
“I used to call my work ‘The Sandra Show’, because she made it all about her,” says Jenny*, a receptionist, of her former manager. “She was at my interview, but I didn’t realise who she was then. I try to be hopeful, but as the months went on, I just realised she was toxic.”
“Everything was about her. I’d ask a question, and she’d tell me about something going on in her life and never respond to the question. It was always a very one-sided, selfish conversation. If I said I was coming down with a cold, she’d say she felt dreadful and talk about herself for 10 minutes. I’m standing there trying to say, ‘can I go home now?’.”
“I remember coming home so many days feeling grumpy and miserable. I’d buy pizza and a bottle of wine and sit on the sofa.”
Sandra often took credit for things Jenny and her colleagues did. For instance, a colleague of Jenny’s spent a lot of time working on a hugely complex spreadsheet. “But Sandra said she had worked on it, even though I knew she had no clue how to use a spreadsheet.”
“The other ladies and I never understood how she got the job. Does she just interview really well? Was she blackmailing one of the higher-ups?” They absolutely thought she was a narcissist.
Jenny was hesitant to complain. “I’m afraid of confrontations. I did eventually speak to a regional manager but I never submitted an official complaint. But in my last few months there, regional managers asked us to covertly keep a record of every time Sandra left the building, because they were starting to become aware that she wasn’t doing much work.”
After 18 months in the job, Jenny left – a month before she would probably have qualified for maternity leave. “I just couldn’t do another month with this woman.” Jenny has since heard that Sandra left the organisation, but doesn’t know the circumstances.
How To Cope When You Work With A Narcissist Colleague
What should you do if you’re working with someone you suspect is a narcissist?
Dan Neuharth – a best-selling author and therapist who specialises in working with clients who are negatively affected by people with NPD – has written a Psychology Today story called ‘4 Ways to Manage Working With a Narcissist’. He suggests strategies that include establishing boundaries, recruiting allies, understanding narcissists’ motivations, not arguing with narcissists, not taking narcissistic acts personally, not responding to dramatics or ultimatums, and not feeling you need to defend your approach.
“Instead, protect yourself by documenting agreements and your accomplishments. Consider notifying HR or other authorities. Recruit allies so you don’t face a narcissist alone. And consider whether working with a narcissist is best for your career in the long run.”
In New Zealand, a good place to start is the Employee Assistance Programme offered by many employers. This provides free, independent counselling and other advice.
Sociopath or Psychopath?
Again, only a medical professional can make diagnoses, but it’s not uncommon to suspect that you’re working with a sociopath or psychopath.
A sociopath is an unofficial term used to describe a person who has antisocial personality disorder. Psychology Today explains that “antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) describes an ingrained pattern of behaviour in which individuals consistently disregard and violate the rights of others around them. Individuals with antisocial personality disorder may behave violently, recklessly, or impulsively, often with little regard for the wants and needs of others.” Research suggests that ASPD affects an estimated one per cent to four per cent of people.
Psychopathy also falls under the umbrella of ASPD. As psychiatrist Michael MacIntyre puts it, “of the two, psychopathy is generally seen to be more ‘severe’ than sociopathy, suggesting a complete lack of emotion and an inability to love or feel remorse”. Sociopaths have a weak conscience and are quick to anger; psychopaths have no conscience and generally don’t explode.
Brianna* worked with a woman that she believes was a sociopath. “She bullied me and other staff members, and ignored us for imagined slights or missteps. She’d accuse us of things seemingly at random, and blame us for things.”
“One day she totally ignored me, shot me nasty glances, then finally spat this accusation at me – that she’d messed up a crucial meeting because I hadn’t prepped her for it. But she hadn’t asked me to prep for it, and also she could have prepped for it herself fairly easily!”
Brianna thought that if she did everything perfectly, her boss would treat her better. That didn’t happen. “She quite literally gave me nightmares. She lightly shoved me one day, and said she hadn’t meant to, but I knew she had.” Brianna’s boyfriend convinced her to quit.
Although there are myriad articles out there about how to adapt to working with a sociopath or a psychopath, many seem to minimise the risks to your mental and physical health. So what might you do? Again, a good first step is accessing the Employee Assistance Programme for free counselling and advice.
Brianna suggests that you do what she didn’t: write down or otherwise document as much as possible about the person’s actions and behaviours and any incidents; ask other colleagues to do so if that’s possible; then take that evidence to HR or someone higher up, and discussing how you could avoid any blowback. “And if you feel you’re becoming unwell, quit – it’s not worth risking your health.”
