According to stress tests, divorce is the second most stressful life event you can go through. It’s one that follows you everywhere, all day wherever you go – including work. A registered psychologist and HR expert explains the psychological impact of divorce; how it spills over into work and why employers need to treat this more seriously than just “private drama”.
Any relationship breakdown is tough, but a divorce? That’s pain on a whole other level.
This isn’t your ordinary breakup where you round up the girls for a night in to sob, vent, watch rom-coms, or maybe hit town and drink it out of your system.
Nope, this is a whole other sort of grief. This is grieving a future that no longer exists with the person you thought was your forever. It’s fighting for custody in family court. It’s dividing up a once entangled life: who gets the house, the car, or even some seemingly insignificant chair that, somehow, takes up far more time and energy than it ever should. On top of all of that? It’s bloody expensive. The lawyer fees alone are brutal.
Divorce Burnout
That puts people under an immense amount of stress. In fact, divorce is ranked the second most stressful life event on the Holmes-Rahe Stress Scale – a widely used measure of life stress in clinical psychology – sitting just behind after the death of a spouse, and outranking personal illness or injury.
It is a loss that isn’t always openly acknowledged or socially validated, says Megan Bourke, a registered psychologist who specialises in relationships and divorce.
“Because relationship breakups are common, some may perceive divorce as ordinary, expected or even a solution to a problem, particularly within Western individualistic cultures.”
But divorce is more than that. It requires people to re-evaluate their identity and go through a complex process of untangling a shared life. That, says Megan, can lead to people experiencing divorce burnout – a state of exhaustion brought on by prolonged stress and emotionally or financially demanding circumstances.
“It involves multiple, often simultaneous losses including changes to family structure, friendships, daily routines, time and experiences with children, and for most – financial strain,” says Megan. “Individuals going through divorce commonly report declines in both their physical and mental health, alongside heightened emotional distress.”
READ: THE ONE THING… You Can Do To Have a Smoother, Less Traumatic Divorce (According to an Expert)
What Divorce Does at Work
That is certainly a lot to take on and understandably, could lower someone’s capacity and performance at work.
Employees often experience reduced coping capacity, emotional exhaustion and disengagement, says Megan.
People report sadness, hopelessness, apathy, low energy and diminished engagement, alongside difficulty emotionally regulating – which could lead to crying at work or stepping away to manage their emotions.
They can also become so emotionally depleted, socialising or showing up for work functions feels impossible.
Employees can also find it harder to sustain focus. Rumination and intrusive thoughts are common. Megan describes this as a “split focus”, where people’s brain capacity is diverted toward processing the magnitude of their divorce – significantly reduce concentration, productivity and decision-making capacity.
What Fuels the Silence
In her clinical practice, Megan says people hesitate to bring up their divorce to management, often unsure or uncomfortable about how much to disclose.
“Particularly when they are dealing with highly stressful or sensitive issues such as custody disputes, financial negotiations, or the upheaval of moving homes.”
People typically approach their manager only when the divorce starts to visibly disrupt their performance or working hours.
Over at HR consultancy Peninsula Group, Kayleigh Frost is the associate director of operations at Wisdom Wellbeing. She says many employees feel they have to reach a breaking point before they say anything.
“They often fear that being distracted will be judged as a lack of commitment.”
Other common reasons employees stay quiet include stigma, fear of being seen as unreliable, the outdated expectation to leave personal life at the door, and concern that disclosing a crisis could cost them promotions or new opportunities.
There’s also workload anxiety, she says, a fear that admitting they’re struggling might see their responsibilities quietly scaled back in ways that feel less like support, and more like a demotion.
Workplace Culture Needs to Change
In their experience with New Zealand organisations, Kayleigh says there is a significant disclosure gap.
“While we are becoming better at talking about mental health, relationship breakdown is still often viewed as a private drama rather than a professional disruption.”
She says, the neurological impact divorce can have on employees can manifest for a business as:
- Executive Dysfunction: Difficulty prioritising tasks or making simple decisions.
- Presenteeism: Being physically at the desk but mentally absent, often termed brain fog.
- Heightened Reactivity: A shorter fuse with colleagues or clients due to chronic sleep disturbance and high cortisol levels.
(Which, if you ask me, are clear signs or symptoms managers can watch out for – especially if it was a sudden change for the employee!)
Workplace Support for Employees
Registered psychologist Megan Bourke and Peninsula Group’s Kayleigh Frost share what best-practice employer support actually looks like:
- Normalise it as a life event. Treat divorce with the same empathy as bereavement or a physical illness. Recognising it as a significant life event in HR policies signals the organisation is a safe place to speak up.
- Focus on Psychosocial Safety. Under health and safety laws, psychological risk is an employer’s responsibility. A distressed employee is a safety risk; proactive support is a legal and moral obligation.
- Start support early. Don’t wait for a formal divorce. Offer confidential EAP access, ideally without requiring managerial approval, and make it visible on your company website and other internal communications.
- Train managers to notice and respond. Managers who can pick up the signs can be crucial. Early, open and non-defensive conversations prevent issues from escalating and help employees feel safe sharing sensitive information.
- Offer specialist pathways. Generic counselling is helpful, but divorce requires specific legal and financial mental bandwidth. Provide access to specialists who understand the mechanics of separation.
- Build in flexibility and hybrid work options, plus know the law. Under NZ law, employees have the right to request changes to their work arrangements, hours or place of work at any time. If family violence is involved, employees are entitled to 10 days of paid family violence leave per year – on top of standard rights. Make sure staff know these entitlements exist.
- Have structured frameworks for employees going through a divorce. Divorce feels chaotic, so consistency and clarity at work can be profoundly stabilising.
- Tailor your support. Pressure points vary, so aim to understand individual stressors, which includes childcare schedules, legal appointments, financial strain and conflict with a former partner.
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