After the first instalments of our Motherhood Penalty series (here’s part one, part two and part three) Lily* got in touch to share her story about what happened after she took six months off to have her first baby – and it’s shocking..
When Lily* had her first baby last year, she took six months off from her job of over 10 years as a department manager at a retail company (we won’t give further details to protect her anonymity).
“What I experienced – especially given I was in a management position – was confronting. Actually, it was shocking.”
She was going through contract negotiations for a promotion when she told her boss she was pregnant. “He said, ‘okay, we won’t worry about the job change’. Later I thought ‘you’ve just found out I’m pregnant, so you don’t want to give me the promotion? I’m pretty sure that’s illegal’.”
She didn’t say that, given she thought it wouldn’t change anything – and given she wanted to return to her then-role after six months. “I said my baby was due at the end of September and I was planning on working right up until the birth unless my midwife says I have to leave earlier. And my CEO said ‘okay’.”
When Lily found out her baby was breech, she was booked in for a procedure a week later to turn him head down. Lily’s midwife advised her to stop working, take sick leave (she had heaps owing), then go on maternity leave. It was a Wednesday. “I told my work that my midwife wants me to finish today, but that I’d see the rest of the week out, to give them a handover, which I’d been prepping for obviously. They acted like it was a shock.” Even though she’d told them many times when the baby was due.
“It turned into this massive scramble. They suddenly started asking what was going to happen with my role while I wasn’t there? Who was going to look after my clients?” But after asking those questions, they didn’t involve her in any decisions.
“I got an email saying ‘this is what will happen when you’re not here’. Including who would cover her clients. “I had no say in anything.” She felt they took her agency away. They also took away the benefits that came with the job, including her vehicle and mobile phone. “They said ‘your mobile phone will cost you $33 a month if you want to keep it’. I said, ‘is any of this up for negotiation? Because I’ll be back after six months!’ They said it wasn’t up for negotiation. It was crazy.”
“Being slammed with pregnancy hormones, I wondered if I was being too emotional? I thought, ‘no, if I wasn’t pregnant, I’d feel the same’.”
“I wrote an email saying I was disappointed that, after more than 10 years working in what was meant to be a family-oriented business, these benefits are being removed from me right before I have my baby, which is supposed to be an exciting time.”
“My CEO took great offence to that email, even though it wasn’t directed at anyone in particular. I was just saying ‘this is how I feel’. He said [verbally] ‘I’m not going to acknowledge the email for six months’.” Yes, really – he refused to engage with anything it said until then. “Whereas I wished he’d acknowledged it, because otherwise I’d be thinking about it for the next six months.” Which she did.
“Our sales manager did email me saying they’d pay for my mobile phone out of goodwill. Wow – $180 total! That was probably the biggest kick in the guts.”
Before leaving, she’d said she’d like to return six months later. “But there had been no major conversations around that because they acted like it was ‘such a rush’ when I left.”
Toward the end of Lily’s maternity leave, her boss deigned to have a conversation.
Lily told her CEO she wanted to work four days a week, to spend more time with her son and because of her husband’s shiftwork. “My boss acted like he was taken off-guard, saying he’d assumed I’d come back five days.”
Her boss said she couldn’t do her job four days a week – even though she knew she could. “Because when I was doing the job, I was basically doing two other roles too, and I can fill in for other positions.”
She said that to her boss. She also said she understood the business likes operating with full-timers. “But I asked ‘could there be a trial period, to see if it can work for us?’. I said, ‘a lot of IP comes with me – there’s got to be some give and take’.”
He said no, saying if they put four days into the contract then that was ‘set in stone’. “I said ‘not if we’re both agreeing to a trial period!’. But he didn’t want to entertain the idea.”
“He said ‘I guess we’ll have to make another job for you’.”
A more junior one.
Wow, THANKS.
Also, BRACE YOURSELF.
“My CEO said they’d pro-rata my salary. So working four not five days, I expected 20% less pay.”
They emailed her a contract, offering her a 38% salary reduction for 20% less hours. Yes, really. She’d lose out in the commission structure, too. It worked out as a 50% pay cut.
“I was very shocked. I replied saying ‘you said it would be pro-rated’. My boss replied with ‘I’m sorry you misunderstood. This is what we believe the value of the role to be’. I thought, what? I misunderstood?”
Was she meant to be grateful? “My boss said if my kid got sick, I could go be with him.” Lily reminded her boss that her husband had more flexibility with his work, and would be primary caregiver on some weekdays. Plus they’d found in-home care for their son, hoping that meant exposure to fewer bugs. “I wanted to minimise how often my son would get sick for him, but also so it wouldn’t impact my employer.”
But she signed the contract, feeling she had no choice unless she wanted to search for a new job.
Two weeks after she returned to work, her CEO finally spoke to her about her email. “He refuted the claims I’d made. He was very upset with how I made him feel, which was surprising because there wasn’t any acknowledgment about how he made me feel. He didn’t try to understand my perspective, only tried to justify the company’s [perspective].”
“I thought this company’s ‘family values’ don’t align with mine, and I needed to find somewhere where my worth is appreciated.” She’s finishing study – in order to enter a new field – then will resign.
Lily plans to have upfront chats with potential employers about flexibility. “It’s not that I’m not prepared to work hard. I’m prepared to work hard with flexibility.”
With her career progress and finances set back, Lily’s angry about the motherhood penalty. “Friends are going through this too. It’s nuts that this is still happening to women.”
Lily’s husband Jack* hopped on Zoom to say how he felt about how his wife was treated. “Surprised, shocked, disappointed. I expected better because of her history at the company. She set up a department, formed great relationships with clients, brought a lot of financial gain to the business. She’d put a lot of time and effort into a senior role and juggled other roles, putting up her hand for everything.”
It wasn’t just what they did to her – it was how. “There was a lack of communication from them, mismanagement, tunnel vision, no consultation, and a passive-aggressive way of doing things.”
“Her boss ghosted her for six months because her email hurt his feelings. We were both on edge, but still thought she’d go back into her role. Part of our decision-making for her returning after six months was that she’d return to that role without that department needing to sacrifice too much.”
Jack was shocked to hear they wouldn’t even give her a trial period to work four days.
“I said numerous times, ‘I want to ring your boss and say what they’re doing isn’t fair’. But knowing his personality, that would have aggravated the situation. I told her that, if being there wouldn’t be good for her mentally, there was always an out.”
Jack took on more of the parenting so Lily could study.
What would he say to her boss if he could? “I’d ask ‘why’. Why haven’t you recognised her work, effort, seniority, loyalty? Why didn’t you support her coming back to her job? Why don’t you support mothers?”
“As a guy, you’re unaware of the motherhood penalty, because you don’t experience it. But when I saw my wife going through it, I could see the wider picture. It’s just not right.”
*Look out for further instalments including if and how employers could be held to account
