Should I have kids? Terrified about the idea of having kids? Anxious? Wondering how on earth mothers balance work and mum-life? We turned to EmpowerMums clinical psychologist and mum of twins Missy Wolfman to give us some advice on whether having kids is the “right choice” for us – or not!
It’s no secret that New Zealand’s birth rate is declining – with our birth rate being at its LOWEST since World War II. And it’s not just us. Across the OECD, more women are delaying having kids or even choosing to be childfree!
Why? Because women have more options now (yay us!). We’re more educated, we’re killing it in our careers and we have better access to contraception.
But we’re also hyper-aware about what it takes to be a mother and the financial and emotional obligations that come with it.
So maybe you’re really on the fence about having kids altogether, and wondering what’s the right decision for YOU?
Or if you’re like me, who’s terrified of having kids despite really wanting them, is feeling terrified or anxious normal?
It’s Normal to Feel Scared or Unsure
‘EmpowerMums’ clinical psychologist Missy Wolfman says feeling apprehensive, scared or anxious about the thought of motherhood is totally normal, especially when it’s such a massive life shift.
And in true psychologist fashion, she gently pointed out that the word I used – “terrified” – suggests something deeper.
“It’s normal to feel apprehensive and anxious, but terrified sounds like it’s beyond that,” she says.
To which I joked: “It sounds like I need to book a session with you!”
How Do You Really Feel About Having Kids?
In a world where motherhood is still seen as the default, how do you know if you actually want kids or if you’re just feeling pressured into it?
Missy suggests imagining being in an alternate universe where society’s expectations just didn’t exist. No one gives you any implicit or explicit pressure.
“What would your decision be? Would you still have a child? If the answer is no, like ‘I would just be childless and travel the world, and pursue X Y Z’, then probably that’s your kind of deep seated belief.”
She also recommends giving yourself space for introspection, even if it’s just a weekend getaway, or doing a bit of traveling if it’s on the cards.
“Often when we travel or when we’re away from our family and culture, that’s when we can kind of have that introspection of ‘Is it really what I want?’ It’s okay to feel terrified or just anxious about having kids, and there are genuine reasons, but what is YOUR gut feeling?”
The ‘Perfect Balance’ is a Myth
Let’s be real here: The whole idea of perfectly balancing a career and motherhood seems utterly IMPOSSIBLE.
Missy says firstly, it’s important to acknowledge the gender pay gap, the mental load and the unpaid physical labour.
“The fact that you have a full-time working mom and a full-time working dad and a full-time working mom still does extra hours a day or a week.”
She says she sees that in her day-to-day – in her practice and with all her friends.
“If you feel angry about that, which I do get angry about often, it’s okay to acknowledge it because anger is a helpful emotion. Anger helps us to identify that a boundary is being breached, our need is not being met and it also helps us to take action.”
On how to balance life and career, she says there’s no such thing as the “perfect balance”.
“The word balance can make it feel like such a big responsibility, like you need to be amazing as a mom, you need to be amazing as a career woman and you have to do it at the same time.”
She says she used to feel this pressure of making it by the time she was 30, 35 or 40 but actually, most people will live into their 70s to 80s. That’s a lot more living to be had, when you consider 35 isn’t even halfway there!
Then two years ago, Missy visited her family back in Indonesia. Looking at her mum who’s in her late 60s and her grandma in her 90s, she realised something that really helped her in her motherhood journey.
“[My grandma spent] her life raising kids but my mum was a working woman raising four kids. And if I look at their lives in terms of their lifespan, and the amount of time they did spend on raising kids, it’s actually not that much compared to their whole life.”
She says that yes – child-rearing is intense for about 18 years – but it could just be a short, yet potentially meaningful, portion of your entire life.
How to Face a Scary World with Our Children
What about the world we’re bringing kids into? Climate change, racism, economic chaos… It’s a lot.
Missy leans into the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a mental health framework that helps people accept their feelings – the good and bad – and start living life in line with their values.
“It’s hard to be able to fix anything or everything as parents… [We have to] focus on what we can control.”
So if we’re concerned about racism, climate change, or whatever else it is that’s going on in the world, she says it’s vital to identify our core values and we could use ACT as a mental health strategy.
“It’s talking about those values with your kids in terms of what’s important for us and standing up for what we believe in. [Like for racism], it’s important to acknowledge it exists as well and not sweep it under the carpet.
“It’s like any rich and meaningful life, there’s always going to be these hardships as well as the good. Acknowledging everything is really important with our children… That’s how we raise our kids to be more resilient, by acknowledging how they feel and all the complex and nuance that they experience.”
As parents, she says there are ways to help children navigate a very challenging world. It might be coaching our kids to call out racist behaviour from other kids, or to talk to the teacher. Or maybe as parents, we could step up and be the role model for the kids.
“There’s so many ways of still having a child and also trying in your little corner of the world to make that corner of the world a better place for you and your kids.”
Making Peace with your Choice – Whatever It Is
Ultimately, Missy says it goes back to that framework of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
It’s going back to your vision of a rich and meaningful life. If it involves kids, great. If not, that’s also great.
“If you have those values that are clear, despite not having children or having children, there’s still road maps of how you can live your life that aligns to those values.”
It’s SO easy to get hung up on having children or not having children. Or even having a house, or running a marathon.
But Missy says it’s about the core reasons behind anything we choose to do.
“Knowing your values can be helpful because it helps you to accept your current reality – whatever that is.”
Disclaimer: There are a lot of nuances to deciding whether having a child is right for you or not. If it’s causing you distress, you may consider getting additional support by talking to your GP, a counsellor or a psychologist.
