How do you tell friends you can’t afford something? It’s often harder than it should be. Whether it’s an expensive trip, a bottomless brunch or night in town that’s out of your budget, it’s hard – and often feels too awkward – to say “I can’t afford that.” We talk to financial journalist Frances Cook and psychologist Jacqui Maguire about why exactly it can be so tough – and find out how to set financial boundaries and make those convos so much easier (and less awkward!).
Ever gone to dinner with friends at a fancy restaurant, ordered the cheapest thing on the menu and tap water… only for the bill to turn up and everyone says: ‘let’s split it equally’?
Or how about going to a girls’ weekend getaway even though you can’t afford it, simply because FOMO hits you real hard?
Or maybe you’re at a bar, swearing you’ll only have two drinks. But then you’re five cocktails in and all of a sudden the drunk version of yourself wants to pay for your friends’ drinks. (Or was that just me?)
Underneath these stories, it isn’t just about money – it’s connection. Because friendships, says registered clinical psychologist Jacqui Maguire, are fundamental for human connection and have great benefits for physical and mental health.
Especially in the context of a sisterhood. Jacqui says it helps form part of one’s identity and sense of belonging. She says having a supportive and safe group of friends helps us to be more adventurous, to take risks and to feel confident about ourselves.
But as we get older, we start to realise we have different financial priorities and we find ourselves needing to strike the right balance of connection and financial responsibility. Because being financially unstable isn’t great for our mental health, either.
So why can it be so hard to tell our friends we’re struggling financially?
How Money and Self-worth May Be Linked
Jacqui says it’s a tough conversation to have because of the stigma attached to money.
She explains the concept of financially contingent self-worth where our view on money is attached to our self-worth. “We believe that we’re successful, or that we have made it in life, if we feel like we have the financial means to live freely and make choices.
“I think even with the best of friends or close family, talking about money is hard. In fact, research has said that if you’re at a dinner party, you’re probably more likely to talk about sex and politics than you are about money.”
Yikes, but I’m also really not surprised.
Independent financial journalist Frances Cook says talking about money is also never a neutral conversation since we use money to make different value judgments in our lives.
“Money really cuts into all of these vulnerable parts of ourselves, how well we think we’re doing, how successful we feel, and comparing that against friends is super vulnerable.”
She says this is why social media trends like loud budgeting – where you literally say something’s not in your budget – helps normalise being transparent about our finances with friends and family.
Not everyone may want to say it publicly, Frances says, but so many people are feeling the pinch because of the cost-of-living crisis.
“If you’re the one in the friend group to say, ‘Hey that actually doesn’t fit my budget. Can we do this instead?’ There’ll be so many other people in the friend group who will be so relieved… Everyone’s just waiting for someone to go first.”
Tips For Navigating Money Conversations
Frances acknowledges it’s easier said than done, especially when we’re younger or we don’t quite have the confidence just yet to set financial boundaries with friends.
So she leaves us with this advice:
- Be upfront. Say “That actually doesn’t work for my budget. Would you rather get a coffee and go for a walk around the lake, go for a hike, or come around and we’ll have potluck dinner?”
- If you’re not comfortable mentioning money, you absolutely don’t have to. Say “I would love to see you. How about we do [insert activity of choice] instead?”
- The key is to always suggest an alternative activity. Make sure you’re not shutting down socialising and make it really clear you want to see them.
- Suspect you earn more than your friends? Be more considerate of their budget. If that’s you, offer your friends two choices: Something you really want to do that might be a bit pricey and the other is a good budget option. Gracefully give your friends to choose an option without having to explain to you why.
- Worried that you don’t feel as successful enough? Unpack those feelings. Take a moment to pull apart why it’s making you feel that way, and if it’s even true. You might be in a different stage of your life like studying, parenting little kids, starting out your career, saving for a house, etc. Of course you have different budgets and priorities. We often have different seasons and it might not be forever.
- Money is important but it doesn’t define you. Taking count of everything else in your life that goes past the financials is a good way to put it all back in perspective. It can help you build the confidence to have much-needed financial conversations. Plus a little bit of gratitude can go a long way, as there’s so much to be grateful for living in New Zealand.
Real Friends Will Understand
Remember, your worth goes far beyond your bank account. And when it comes to friendships, Jacqui says trust that the real ones will be there for you.
“Be real about what matters most, and that is the connection where you’re able to be vulnerable and real with people, and you’re able to have experiences together that don’t have to happen in an ultra glamorous way all the time.
“So have faith in the people you’ve chosen to be your friends. And if they aren’t able to adapt based on your financial reality, then I think it’s the question of whether you’ve found the right friends.”